Friendship or Wound Sharing? How to Build Bonds That Heal, Not Hurt

Friendship or Wound Sharing? How to Build Bonds That Heal, Not Hurt In this episode, Fawn and Matt explore the hidden trap of shared wound friendships—when relationships form around mutual pain instead of growth. We unpack why bonding over past struggles might feel like fate but often keeps us stuck in cycles of sorrow. Fawn and Matt share personal stories and practical tips on how to spot when a friendship is rooted in pain instead of resilience. From limiting co-rumination to seeking growth-oriented connections, this episode is a heartfelt reminder that true friendships help us evolve, not replay the same wounds. You’ll learn: Why bonding over shared pain can feel comforting but ultimately limiting. How to balance empathy with moving forward. Simple strategies to shift conversations from rehashing trauma to inspiring growth. The importance of mixing your community with both understanding friends and resilient role models. This episode is for anyone who has ever mistaken shared struggles for soul-level connection—and is ready to build healthier, more uplifting relationships. friendship growth, shared trauma, trauma bonding vs. wound sharing, healthy relationships, co-rumination, resilience in friendship, how to build strong friendships, overcoming toxic cycles, evolving friendships, emotional healing #FriendshipGoals #EmotionalHealing #Resilience #HealthyRelationships #FriendshipPodcast #OurFriendlyWorld #FriendshipMatters #TraumaRecovery #PersonalGrowth #WoundSharing FAWN: [00:00:00] Hello everybody. Welcome back to our Friendly World. Hello, with Fawn and Matt. Hello, hello. We have a guilty pleasure. MATT: Oh dear. Not me folks. FAWN: So at night, at the end of the day, Matt, the kids, and I have, I'm kind of embarrassed to say Matt, but we watch a show called Love Is Blind, but we watch other countries and then, and then we watch them in different languages. So there are subtitles, but so we can learn different languages and it's really funny and it's a good opportunity I think to have discussions, especially with the kids, more so for the kids because there's so much that I now understand that I didn't understand when I was in my teens and even my twenties and early thirties even, I didn't, you know, there are certain things I wish I had mentors and I [00:01:00] wish I was in a state of mind where I could receive information, like receive advice, right? So it's a way for us to watch some hideous situations because, I mean, it's a reality show, but. It's everything you should be talking about anyway, like why relationships fail or why this thing seems like a freight train. The situation, you know, like I remember I had certain friends and I am like, oh, what do you think of so and so? And Matt would say, oh. That, that's a freight train right there. I'm like, what? MATT: How rude? And then FAWN: I had to step away from it and I understood why you said what you said. And then certain people you would tell me, be very careful what you say to this person because they're teetering. I'm like, what do you mean? I learned to judge certain situations. I didn't have that perspective before. I didn't have that knowing, I didn't have experience really, to [00:02:00] understand other people because I was still trying to understand myself. So we watch these shows we'll pause it laugh and explain what's really happening. So the kids learn from someone else's experience rather than having to go through that themselves. So when they're like, oh, I'll never end up in that situation. I'm like, careful. 'cause I used to say stuff like that and then I would find myself in that situation. Right. You know, whatever it is. It's good to talk about these things and it's away from you, so you're, not so attached to it. So you do learn the lessons Anyway, so that's why we watch Love is Blind. We were watching the other day. I pressed pause. I'm like, all right guys, these people wanna connect and they think that their relationship is meant to be. Why? I was saying, look, they have trauma. They both have similar trauma. They both were, left by their parents at an early [00:03:00] age. They both had to go find another home when they were in the, like, how old were they? 13, 14, something like that. Like really young. They both had similar major disappointments and struggles and. For them to go, oh, this happened to you. This happened to me. Oh, you, you were left at this age. I was left at that age. Oh, you don't have a mom? I don't have a mom. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. And they're like, oh, we're so meant to be. And I paused it and I said, listen, kids, that right there, what they think is meant to be, . Help me explain this, Matt, because what I was saying was, I used a term that you shouldn't use because I didn't know, I, I was, I said the word trauma and then our youngest said, oh my God, they're, they're trauma bonding. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's it. And then you said, oh no, be careful. That [00:04:00] is actually a clinical term. There's, MATT: there's two different definitions and the more. Out there definition is a very hectic thing. FAWN: Yeah, it is. So, trauma bonding describes a bond that forms in abusive or coercive cycles. So loyalty to the abuser despite harm. So, no, we're not gonna use that. We're, we're not MATT: talking about that. FAWN: We're not talking about that. We're talking about shared wound relationships, shared wound friendships, co rumination, familiarity comfort. Stuck in sorrow networks is what we're talking about, because you are using that as a way to say to yourself. Oh, we have so much in common, but do you really want your life to be that? like I'm not a huge fan of constantly going to a [00:05:00] psychotherapist and discussing the same thing over and over again without any resolve. Right. Without, without a way to actually come to a conclusion and heal from it and move on. Right. And I've found that a lot of them, from my perspective, just say the same thing over and over again. You're just talking about the same wound over and over again. You're bringing it up again. You're reopening the wound instead of healing the wound, figuring out where the source is. Mm-hmm. And moving on. Right. It does not have to take years. That's my belief. Now, I'm not saying don't go to the therapist. Go to the therapist. They are helpful, but you have to be careful who you go to. I've noticed. Well, you MATT: just have to be careful, period. Yeah. We we're living in an age of, everybody's an expert. FAWN: They're labeled as an expert. I have to wonder. Yeah. Right. , So we wanna talk about shared wound friendships. The co rumination. Familiarity. [00:06:00] Comfort. Stuck in sorrow networks. Shall we, shall we start? I mean, MATT: oh dear. Here it comes, folks, FAWN: because I mean, okay, so one of the other things I wanted to say was if you're gonna get together and base a relationship or friendship just on what you have in common, first of all, I don't think that's, feasible because. You're ever evolving and changing. MATT: Yes. FAWN: So if that's all that is your foundation, it's not very stable because you're both going to change. MATT: True. But friendships have to start somewhere. FAWN: I understand. But basing everything on that as your only means of like, oh, we're so meant to be. Yes. Because you have similar. MATT: Pain. FAWN: Pain. Yeah. It's kind of like going to the therapist in a way where you just keep hashing the same thing out over and over and over again. One, it's boring. Two is, is it get, is it getting you anywhere? MATT: Right. FAWN: For [00:07:00] example, Matt is looking for work. I'm looking for work. Dope. Matt has a buddy that he's always talking to who's also. Was laid off at the same time, and I get mad every time we talk to him, Matt, because I'm like, Matt, surround yourself with people that are successful. Surround yourself with someone who is not going through the same pain you are, but is thriving and creative and feels optimistic and isn't going through hardship right now because you are already experiencing that in your mind, and the whole house is experiencing, we're all experiencing it, right? And we're all stuck in it. We need to get out. So you need to have a different perspective. You need to be around people who have work, who are experiencing major financial wealth and money coming in. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I just feel like you have to be really careful. MATT: You do. You absolutely have to be really careful, and I am really [00:08:00] careful it's not all the time. FAWN: Yeah. But my desk is right next to you. Mm-hmm. It's a good hour of that sometimes. And the tone and the words that I'm kind of overhearing by accident. 'cause I have my headphones on. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to do other things. Right. But I'm, I hear your tone. I hear the vibration and it's not uplifting Matt. I'm like. That's a good hour of your time. What good is that doing you? And then there's the whole after effect of, of a conversation like that. It carries on. You can't just, I can't, I mean, maybe you can't, I can't just, break it off and be unaffected by it. As I go through my day, I'll keep thinking about it. So, I mean, who are the successful, who are the majorly creative people that you're spending a whole good hour, focused hour with. You know what I'm saying? Why is the focused hour on that? MATT: I spend more time at the gas station for [00:09:00] goodness sake. FAWN: Yeah, but that's not always great either. There are some people who like fall off cliffs and I don't know what MATT: there is. Yes, there is Jack. He did fall off a mountain. FAWN: I'm just saying. Are they like coders? Are they trying to create something that's of benefit to society in the coding world? Do you know what I'm saying? MATT: I do. I absolutely do, but I am very careful and I've been through, we've been through trauma of a whole different kind of dimension. FAWN: Yeah. And that's bad enough because you and I have the same trauma now. We're like bonded by all of that history, and it's kind of nice because you don't have to explain where you're coming from to someone. They just know. So if you're bonding with someone who's had similar experiences, it's kind of nice not to have to explain to your person right or your friend or whoever it is. Mm-hmm. What [00:10:00] happened? So in a way, you're not reliving that thing, right. But then you're, you're continuing that bubble wherever you go. And I'm not a fan of that. I'd much rather be with someone with a completely different experience in than I've had. Mm-hmm. And move on and create a different way, keep growing, keep evolving. Right. Keep transforming rather than staying in that rut. MATT: Yes. FAWN: So all this comes from a reality dating show of like, look at that, they think they're soulmates because they have had similar problems and that makes them soulmates. No. Be careful with friendships and relationships and work situations, I guess, right? Yes. Because Matt's now staring at me. So practical tips to offer: mix your community, keep some friends who deeply understand your pain and some who model resilience or like totally different life rhythms. MATT: And that's exactly what I'm doing. [00:11:00] FAWN: You well, who? There's Mr. Wizard. MATT: Absolutely. There's Mr. Wizard. See, I don't FAWN: really have that many people, so I dunno. I'm, I'm kind of like stuck in my own myopic world at the moment. So another tip is to set purposeful hangouts. let's say you are with fellow quote unquote survivors. Have some meetups about learning or doing like, I don't know, like yoga, pottery, like walking groups, MATT: right. Absolutely. FAWN: It's more than just processing, right? You have an activity and then you can have like a shifting of energy while you talk, MATT: yeah, absolutely. I totally get that. As a matter of fact, my former coworker who's got laid off at the same time, you know, I do offer up and I'm like, Hey, if you're working on this thing or trying to learn this thing, ping me. And we can go through just that. Wait, you're FAWN: the one who's offering all of this. Are [00:12:00] you getting it in return? MATT: And this has been, now this is, this is a theme that I'm starting to feel in my life. I'm just being very careful. It seems like I, I end up giving a lot more than I get. FAWN: This, this happens a lot. Like we always talk about this, Matt, I've been through life. You and I have, MATT: I've had those relationships where I've gotten way more than I've given. FAWN: Really? MATT: Yeah. They, they were a very long time ago, but they did exist. Mm-hmm. So it's, it's, it's a tricky thing, really trying to quantify it. FAWN: Okay. I'm not gonna get stuck and argue. So we're gonna limit my suggestion is to limit co rumination. Notice the conversations that replay the trauma or the bad stuff. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: That come without solutions. And then if that happens, stear toward coping strategies or gratitude and share an uplifting moment. The trouble with this is it seems like [00:13:00] this is usually one sided, like it's U like when we talk to your family, Matt, it feels like we're the only ones doing this like bringing up something that's more uplifting you've always said this, like you, are the one who's offering something new. Right? And the other side is not. Right. Ever. MATT: Ever. FAWN: And it's such a downer. MATT: It can be, yes. That's why you eventually, I eventually get to a place where anything they say I'm gonna clown on, or I'm going to try and inspire a different thought around, FAWN: it's exhausting because they'll just take and take and they're, they just drop it into the trash can. Like I have had, again, your family ask me, Hey. In depth. Like, oh, what can you help us to be vegan? Can you help us? Like come up with some vegan dishes? And what do you suggest for healing this thing through food? Mm-hmm. And I'll take that. I used to take that seriously for them. Right. And I would spend [00:14:00] hours putting things together for them. Mm-hmm. And writing things down and then sharing it with them. Come to come to understand that they didn't really want it. It was just a talking point. They were trying to impress something on me that they to, to make it seem like they're interested in what I have to say, but it wasn't that at all. They didn't use any of that information. And they pretty much just threw it all away. MATT: Yep. FAWN: And wasted hours of my time. And now I'm cynical because the next person who asked me for advice like that, I'm just like, whatever. I don't know, Google it. Which is the big no-no, because people used to say that to us, like when we met people we're like, oh, how do you travel with a baby like that? Mm. Because when we remember, we had. Yes, we were, we just had Elle and we met another couple who had a baby two, three months older, but they were always on the plane traveling. Sorry, [00:15:00] that's my phone, my email. Um, and we asked them, how do you do it? And they told us to Google it and we're like, okay. That was, that was, um, when stuff like that happened, we said to ourselves, they're not a friend. Right. That, that's like, um, those are kind of like fighting words for us. MATT: Even if they just said something silly like, make sure you bring favorite stuffy on the plane. Or if you ask the stewardess X, Y, and Z, oftentimes you can get A, B, and C. That's it. I wasn't looking for, so this is everything you need to do in one 30 minute conversation. Allow me to start monologing. FAWN: Okay guys, I just got an audition, so I have to leave in a few minutes. So let's just like, oh, dear. Zip through it. Okay. You ready? There you go. Limit the co rumination MATT: and try and do something different. FAWN: Seek, um, seek growth oriented relationships. People who have done different challenging things can [00:16:00] offer new coping tools and perspectives. Another one is therapy or peer support groups. With trained facilitators where healing is guided and reframing is encouraged, MATT: and this is, this will be in a situation where you feel like you cannot deal with whatever it is that's in front of you, and you're not dealing with whatever's in front of FAWN: you. And that's, I feel like that's easier to leave behind because okay, you spend an hour there and then you walk away from it. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Boom. Done. And then. Ah, you know, there's one other thing, like, um, I was listening to this guy talk about how your brain has a turnoff switch for stress and the turnoff switch is wonder. So, and he was using the example of being chased by a tiger and you're running and the tiger is chasing you, and you, you turn and you look and it's about to pounce on you. Mm-hmm. What if [00:17:00] you wonder like, well, he said that actually this wouldn't help me 'cause it, it wouldn't take me out of the stress. Mm-hmm. But he said, what if you wondered, all of a sudden, I wonder how much he weighs. For me, i'm like, oh, if I think that if I wonder about his weight, I'm thinking about how much weight and force and speed right together as combines on him, like pouncing on me. Right. But like, I wonder. I wonder how many hairs are on his body. Mm-hmm. You know, something like that takes you away from the stress because Right. MATT: But that's a different kind of stress and that's a different kind. It's a very visceral, very everything FAWN: Stress is stress though. MATT: Hold on, hold on. You have offered up as a strategy once upon a time to just take a moment and revel in the wonder that surrounds us like a tree. How does it form exactly like that? Right? How many blades of grass are there in a square foot? You know, we can go on and on. How is, you know, is every snowflake different? [00:18:00] Huh? Well, why do snowflakes look the way they do and, and there's a billion little things you can ask questions about. Like, wow, that cloud up in the sky, that kind of looks like, you know, Marilyn Monroe or whatever. FAWN: Right? MATT: And that can start to take you away from where you're at. Stoics are big on that as a coping strategy too. FAWN: I learned that from Abraham Hicks. When you're feeling like. You don't have enough money or you're feeling poor, you start thinking of other things like, look at how much there is out there. So if you're feeling like there's not enough money, right, there's not enough of whatever you want, and you look, you're like, look at how many blades of grass exist in front of me right now. Like the amount, MATT: the abundance, FAWN: the amount, the number of blades of grass. The, I don't know. You just, I can't think of anything. 'cause I'm thinking about going to the [00:19:00] audition now. Freaking out. Okay. So there's that. Okay. So, but which leads us to practice curiosity instead of comparison. So asking people about their interests, not just their pain. MATT: Which is once again, what I am doing with my co, my former coworker. Ah, okay. I'm not a fan. I'm doing this thing, not a fan. I know. Yeah. But I FAWN: want you to do with someone else . Someone who's not in the same situation you are. Right? MATT: Absolutely. And that's why I very much limit my exposure and conversation. But do FAWN: it in the first place an hour religiously every week. Is it every day? No. Are you sure? MATT: I think I would be, are you lying to me? Would be? I think I would be sure. Um, it is not every day. We do go different places. We do talk different things. Okay. FAWN: Okay. Well, okay, so doing this podcast episode today to just remind you, just because you meet people with the same experiences doesn't mean that's your soul [00:20:00] person. Soul as in like, oh, my soulmate soul friend. You know what I mean? Soulmate friend, soulmate, whatever. Soulmate MATT: friend is someone you connect to on many different levels, not just on. Perhaps it shouldn't be on the same kind of trauma levels. FAWN: I mean, MATT: yeah, there should be. There should be more to it. Gosh darn it. FAWN: Wouldn't it be great if it was someone you're like, oh, you've been experiencing major bouts of joy and freakish laughter. Me too. You know, like positive things instead of the negative, right? Like, oh wait, you also won the Jackpot lottery. Me too. Oh, you also figured out this thing. Me too. How did you figure it out? Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. There's a difference. Then, oh, you also are laid off. Me too, or you know what I'm saying? I wanna go, I [00:21:00] completely understand what you're saying. Oh, right, right. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be preachy. I'm done. MATT: Okay. FAWN: Do you have anything else to say? I talked for mostly most of today. MATT: Not at all. Just make sure that the friendships that you have are healthy and Growing and not just rooted in one place or in one thought. FAWN: That's all. And we all experience trauma, all of that. definitely get yourself help for that. Find the right people to help you move through it and not be stuck in it. Change is always happening. Nothing stays static. Nothing. Nothing. So we're experiencing hard times and I have to keep reminding myself we're going to move through it. It's hard because the panic attacks set in and I have to [00:22:00] remove myself and go make myself go stand on some dirt and cry or, or listen to some piece of music, um, something, anything, and have to do it over and over and over and over again throughout the day. One time isn't going to do it. I meditate a lot, meditating in the morning. Great. But then, you know. It's throughout the day and I can't, just because I meditated doesn't mean it's going to change everything. I have to stay in that mode. So you have to do it. So don't, don't feel discouraged because you have to keep doing it. This is what I was trying to tell our kids today. They're like, nothing's working. I've meditated, I'm breathing. Nothing is helping. I give up. I'm like, well, you have to keep doing it. You know what I'm saying? You can't just say, oh, I did three ums and I did box breathing, but you know, it didn't help. You [00:23:00] have to keep doing it. And you have to get some help for the things that aren't going away. Or you feel like you need someone to help you carry something, get help for it. I gotta go. Oh my God. I'm sorry. You guys Alright? Um, that's it for now. We'll talk to you soon. We will have a beautiful every day MATT: be well.