“Why Love Languages Don’t Work in Friendship (And What Actually Does)”

Transcript - Love Language FAWN: [00:00:00] There's a quiet pain that no one talks about. Whether it's feeling like you're giving more than you're receiving, feeling misunderstood or wanting connection and seeing others are too busy. So in other words, in other kinds of relationships like love relationships, people talk about this code, like it's a secret cheat sheet for closeness. You know the love language. What love language are you? What love language are they? But maybe the real work isn't learning how to love others, but learning how to honor what we need too. Today we talk about love languages and friendship. Here we go. Before, and another thing I wanna add, I'm thinking $11 a month and every month you receive something just for you, handmade, in the mail from a friend. It'll be your own private gallery, print show of, my photography work from [00:01:00] my book. A friendly package from me and Matt. If you're interested, please go to our friendly world podcast.com and send me an email anyway, thank you. Here we go. MATT: Sounds nice. FAWN: Welcome back everybody. MATT: Hello, Can we maybe not call them love languages and just call them languages? Like this is how you communicate. This is how I like to communicate. This is, you know, this is how I. Do it as opposed to love. FAWN: Yeah. I hate it. And also I think that it was something that someone just wrote a book on and decided, I'm gonna find five ways and you're gonna buy my book and you're gonna figure out what is going wrong in your relationship. I, um, yeah, I'm not a fan. I feel like it's one of those things like, you know, they did all those. Surveys and you're this introvert. Introvert, extra MATT: Myers-Briggs. FAWN: Yeah, yeah, Myers, yeah. Whatever that is, was they, thank goodness. Realized it was totally made up. MATT: Well, they FAWN: debunked it. Yes. But people still use it. [00:02:00] People still go buy it, like it's total science and it's either this or not and I feel like the love language, is this the same? But we're gonna talk about it anyway because Yeah. We can use the five things that they talk about, right? Just to get a better understanding on, on how we can relate to others, how we do relate to others but more importantly, how we feel and how others feel around us, and becoming aware of that. And I think once that happens that opens more doors for. Good friendships. So here we go. Had we start talking about this? MATT: We were watching FAWN: Oh yeah, that's right. Love is blind. Oh, MATT: love is blind. Oh, I was gonna say garbage tv, but okay. FAWN: Yeah. We were watching specifically it was Love is Blind Sweden, and this one guy was asking this other guy, well, what's our love language? Do you know her love language? Do you even know what that is? She's like, no, what is that? But everybody else seemed to know what it was. Right, right. And then, so we started to go [00:03:00] around and we asked each other in our house, like, Hey, what's your love language? And it was perfect for every, every personality. Right. So like my love language is food. Let me, let me make you something to eat. Are you hungry? There's a special occasion. Let me bake a special cake for that. I'm not even joking. One of our kids was like, I don't have one because she's so walls up all the time. MATT: Right. FAWN: And the other one was like, well, hugs and, what was it? MATT: Receiving? Gifts or FAWN: gifts. Receiving gifts. And yeah. And that's what they do. Lots of hugs, lots of giving gifts constantly. It's really quite touching. MATT: When you recognize and understand it, which is why we're here, which is what we're talking about, FAWN: right? Because, we spoke first amongst ourselves, you and I, Matt, right? And you mentioned your love language. And then I got confused. I was like, wait a minute. That's your love language. MATT: How I express affection. FAWN: Yeah. But then I got confused because I was [00:04:00] thinking, if you are wanting to relate to someone else and that's your love language, they may not want that love language. So if your love language is giving gifts and you're like, well, everybody loves getting gifts, I'm like, no, not everyone does actually, because. Some people think of it as like, I gotta now stay even with you and how much did that give gift cost? Now I owe you this much money. And you're like, well, I disagree. And I know why you disagree with that. Because when you give a gift, you should give freely and not ever think about how that gift will be used. It's not yours, right? MATT: The instant you give it, it is no longer your, you should free yourself from attachment. FAWN: You taught me that because coming from my culture, which is a very gift giving culture, but I feel like from my perspective, it's also a very keeping tabs. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: Culture. So I had to let that go. And it was quite liberating every time you told me that, Matt, thank you. But my [00:05:00] rebuttal to that was, yeah, but not everyone is that way. So when they do receive gifts, it could be burdensome to them. MATT: Right. But the key, I think, on that particular one is thoughtful. And thoughtful does not equate to a cash amount. You know? Do you remember A gift you gave was assigned Eddie Van Halen poster. FAWN: They asked for it. MATT: Well, okay. But still, that was not an expensive gift for us because Eddie Van Halen was next door. Right. But again, a gift doesn't have to be, although we start to get into acts of service there. But, it's not about the cost of, of the gift in that particular one. It's not about buying someone a very expensive coat. It's about seeing them and, and having an understanding that they would really appreciate this, whatever it is. And, you know, FAWN: well, well actually Matt, can you go through the five i I always forget what all the five are. MATT: So we've got words of affirmation, which is, [00:06:00] you got this. I enjoy hanging out with you. Cetera. FAWN: Can we actually, since you're going through them, can we just quickly talk about them? MATT: Yes. FAWN: Because, yeah. Okay. So I think of words of affirmation and honestly, all of them I jive with. I want all of them right to some MATT: extent. FAWN: But it's about which one are you? And I think I'm a little bit of all of them. MATT: Well, but that's just it. Which one resonates the most? Nobody is gonna say, I don't like hearing You're the man once in a while. FAWN: Well, okay. I feel like every time you say one, I'll be like, actually, that's the one I resonate with most right now. Right. I, I guarantee you'll say that about every single one. MATT: Right. FAWN: But about this one, I would say yes. That's when I know someone could be a true total um, soul friend, you know what I mean? Like a, it's a soul connection that is like quite mystical, spiritual, because growing up, I would have thoughts in my head that I would never speak to anyone else about. MATT: [00:07:00] Mm-hmm. FAWN: Whether it's specific words that would never come up in normal conversation. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: Or a thought. My friend Jennifer. Voiced a thought to me that I had since I was a baby. And I'm serious you guys, those of you who know me know I have recollection from when I was in diapers. I remember everything. And there was this one thought that I had and she voiced it out loud and I'm like, okay, we're gonna be best friends because she just repeated verbatim. Everything. MATT: Right. FAWN: So those to me were words of affirmation. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: You know what I'm saying? Right. Not just you're pretty. Although sometimes I was like, I wish someone would tell me I'm pretty, and then all of a sudden the friend would say, you know what? You're really pretty. And even when you're crying, you're still pretty, you know what I mean? They would say something like that, and I'm like, oh, my friend. Sorry. MATT: No, no, no. You're all good. Number two is acts of service. Uh, and that is someone who goes like [00:08:00] out of their way to support you or, uh, the person who asks, is there anything I can do to help? FAWN: I feel like MATT: for me, who's actually willing to do something to help. FAWN: Yeah, I wanna say that people that have done that. I felt like was obligatory and they weren't real friends. MATT: And there you go. FAWN: They were doing it because maybe it's the right thing to do, but they, they were, they didn't have their heart in it. So for me, no. MATT: Right, FAWN: because it doesn't necessarily mean that they have love for you. It's maybe done out of obligation or it's just the right thing to do. MATT: Yep. Well, again, it's about people who go out of their way. FAWN: I mean, everyone would have to go out of their way, but I remember there's out MATT: of your way and then there's out of your way. FAWN: Well, when I, when I came back from the hospital, from that messed up situation, MATT: right. FAWN: I wasn't allowed to get out of the bed. We were just out of the hospital. The neighbor came over because she made food [00:09:00] for us. That's really nice. I wanna say she went out of her way 'cause she had two small kids herself. She went out of her way to bring over food that she made, right? Mm-hmm. Now. Everyone knows I'm a total neat freak. Like you have to take off your shoes. And even though I wasn't allowed to move or pick up anything heavy, I still made sure that I mopped and everything was sanitized because we have another one crawling around, so everything was meticulous. Therefore, I could say, okay, I'll stay in bed now. 'cause the doctor said, MATT: right, FAWN: um, she comes in with her muddy boots, not necessarily muddy, but like with her boots dirty. And she just walks all over the house and I'm like, and I could see her from the bedroom. And I asked her like, oh, oh, thank you so much for coming over. Are your shoes on? And I saw her. She didn't know that I could see her. She rolled her eyes. Like, Ugh, come on. And I'm like, this was not an [00:10:00] act of service that was from MATT: heartfelt. Heartfelt. These things must be heartfelt. FAWN: Well, I'm saying MATT: addendum. FAWN: All right. I just remember that. So I'm not a fan of that. MATT: Right. And number three is receiving gifts. FAWN: I'm not a fan of that either. MATT: Yeah, I know. So FAWN: many times MATT: to me, again, heartfelt. Yeah. Again, without a, a sense of obligation. FAWN: Yeah. MATT: Again, I mean, these are, these are deep, these aren't shallow, FAWN: but they, if it's done with listening, like so many times I've told people, please don't send gifts like toys that you think or just no toys, please. Because we have a small house, we are trying to be very, very mindful of what comes in the house. We don't want a lot of things. And we're very right now mindful of what kids have, MATT: right? FAWN: So please do not send gifts, please. And people always think they're the exception to the [00:11:00] rule, even when you're laying it out for them, MATT: right? FAWN: And wasting your breath, talking about it, telling them details of why and they still send it. And it's usually like one of my friends I'm thinking of always sends things that she's trying to get rid of. Because her kids are, are now grown and now I'm doing the job she should have done. I'm going to the Goodwill, try to donate there everything she gave to me and they don't take it. So now I have to figure out, okay, where else can I take this? MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: And in most cases it ends up in the landfill. So now it's in the Washington State Landfill. As opposed to the California landfill. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you're making more work for me. MATT: Right. FAWN: So, I don't know. Gifts again, like it's, it's MATT: heartfelt and I think small, FAWN: but it's heartfelt from her that she sent it. MATT: Yes. You know, but you have to understand there's two sides to every story. There's two people involved in this. So, you know, just because I think [00:12:00] that it's really cool to, I don't know, have a samurai sword, doesn't mean I would send one to somebody. As a gift, you know, they'd have to really appreciate it. It had to be something that they were super into, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. FAWN: You really have to know someone. And even if you've known someone for years and years and decades, you know, in my case with my friend, you're still not listening, MATT: right? FAWN: And so none of these work, MATT: and again, it works to, it's of those moving target things. So, you know, what I'm hearing is stuff is no good for you. Like people giving stuff. FAWN: Not always. I mean, I remember. Sorry, Matt just MATT: rolled his eyes. Exasperating. FAWN: Well, I'm just saying it depends. So it's not a concrete thing. This is why I don't agree with the whole, MATT: it's a moving FAWN: love language MATT: thing. It's a, and it's, it's, there's different elements to it. You know, the right gift at the right time is an awesome thing. Most of the time is not gonna work for me. I'm impossible to buy gifts for. So there you go. [00:13:00] Um, anyways, number four, quality time. Come on. Love it. You can't love, you can't take exception to this one. FAWN: I don't, I'm sorry guys. I'm in a funk lately. Like seriously, like I've just been so sad and jittery and Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I sound really negative right now. MATT: Everybody loves the quality time. Come on. Some people a lot more than others and paying attention and creating the space to make that happen is an awesome thing because it definitely shows how much you appreciate the relationship. As a matter of fact, I just went out for coffee with someone who I appreciate this morning and, you know, creating that space and, and calling him and saying, Hey, do you want to go out? Was very much appreciated. 'cause he very much focuses and, and pays, he pays attention too. Anyways. And then last but not least. Physical touch. Physical touch is important, and that that includes hugs, handshakes, high fives, fist bumps. FAWN: What do you do [00:14:00] with the people we know? Some of them that refuse to be touched, who have a problem with it. MATT: Okay. FAWN: That's not their language, MATT: and here we go. I would not say that physical touch is a priority for me in a friend to friend relationship. It isn't. Period. but I remember as we were leaving Colorado forever, I went out for coffee with my friend Sharon, and at the end of our having coffee together and she knew I was moving and we, we may not see each other for a long time, or she was like, okay, I'm going to give you a hug now. And that was it. There was no argument, there was no exception. There was no nothing. So. It was done. I think it might've been the only time in our entire friendship that we ever actually touched, but, uh, but there it was. FAWN: Hmm. MATT: But it was very meaningful. And you see, I remember it to this day. This was years [00:15:00] ago. so it's about being meaningful FAWN: and impactful. I, I understand, but when something is your love language and that's how you express your, devotion to someone. Mm-hmm. Platonic or otherwise. Even knowing someone for so long. You still don't know where they're at because like you said, it's a moving situation. It's a moving situation. Like it changes, it's a constant change. So when they react negatively in that instant mm-hmm. FAWN: It's really hard to come back from. You know what I'm saying? Like, you go to hug someone and all of a sudden they're like, no, no, thank you. Like they get all stiff and like it's really hard to Yes, MATT: that is true. FAWN: It, it's very jarring. MATT: Right. FAWN: As a loving person that's like, you know, MATT: and this is probably the hardest one. Yes. FAWN: And it's, and that's one of the reasons why it's so hard to to have friendships, is because now everyone is so triggered by everything and you don't know what thing they're triggered by. Right. You don't know what [00:16:00] they're going through. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: Even when you've known them for so long, you don't know what they're going through because we're all so wrapped up in our own stuff and Right. The worldly stuff that it's hard to be very present and understand what's in front of us. That's why I don't like that cheat sheet that will solve everything MATT: there. There are no, there are no secrets, there are no cheat sheets. But it's important to understand these are different things you can do and maybe that's the takeaway. These are different things you can do to show appreciation. And some people value them more than others, and some people may not value some of them at all. FAWN: Maybe it's not something you do, but it's Something that you notice in the other person, like, oh, look at that. She's always gifting and hugging. She's trying to show me that she cares for me. Mm-hmm. So maybe it's just about noticing. It's not about you have to do these things to show that you're a friend, but it's noticing, oh, this person is doing this, this [00:17:00] means something. MATT: Right? FAWN: So I should be grateful for that and maybe acknowledge it, not maybe, I think they, we should acknowledge it. Absolutely. Oh, look at that. FAWN: I think the real love language is, Hearing what's not said, seeing what's not said. So everything in the tiny nano gesture, the tiny nano thought that is lingering in the air, the nano look. I think all the signs are usually there, usually MATT: right? Right. And I would say there are nuances. You know, are you a words of affirmation? Are you an acts of service? Are you receiving gifts? Are you a quality time? Are you a physical touch? No, you're a conglomeration, you're a shuffling of all of these things. And I think that paying attention to all aspects, these five different aspects, focusing on, you know, not focus. Making sure that your entire relationship isn't based [00:18:00] on just one of them is probably a good thing. It adds nuance, it adds dimension, and it adds color, and that's good. We need more color in our lives. FAWN: Okay. MATT: Be Well, FAWN: come on, for real. We're done. That's it. That's, that's what I got. Okay, everyone, we'll talk to you in a few days. MATT: Be well. FAWN: Bye.