“How to Build a Village: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Real Community”

FAWN: The village is still here. Behind the closed doors of our fears, doubts, misconceptions and insecurities, and embedded behind our connection to the internet. In this episode, we share a step-by-step guide on how to open the village again, because the village didn't disappear. It's waiting for you to start building it again. Villages grow when people open their homes, share their tables, and decide that no one should walk through life alone. So here we go. Welcome back to our friendly world, everybody. MATT: Hello everyone. FAWN: Have a step-by-step guide to share with you today on how to start a village. Ready. MATT: This is good, FAWN: but like I said, the village is already here, so we're gonna brush it off and make it shiny and opening it up again. And I'm not just telling you guys, I'm trying to do this myself. [00:01:00] Everything here I've been working on, yes. Reclusive me coming out of my. Padded room. My padded, oh MATT: dear. FAWN: My padded studio. It's MATT: not as bad as it sounds. FAWN: Yeah, it's a studio. Okay, here we go. Number one, start with radical hospitality. Opening the door. Matt has talked about this throughout the entire, every year we've had our podcast. Be a great host. Be welcoming. Remember when we were kids? Matt, did you hear Stranger Danger? MATT: Yes. FAWN: And then years later, um, I think her name was Sark. Was it Sark? She was an artist and one of her big rules was "invite someone dangerous for tea." But really, if you think about it, strangers are not always the danger. Right? MATT: Right. FAWN: Most cases, it's the people that you think you [00:02:00] can trust, right? That are dangerous and end up doing bad things. But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about good things. So we're not talking about an enemy, we're talking about the people that you should have in your lives, but. Matt, do you wanna, can you elaborate on the whole being a good host, MATT: the essence of being a good host? Uh, there's a certain amount of intuition, there's a certain amount of logic, there's a certain amount of everything to it, and it's a balancing act and it's one of these kind of skills you have to practice. You have to practice and you're not gonna get Right. It's like the first pancake. First pancake never comes out. Right. FAWN: I disagree. My pancakes are perfect. MATT: Well, that's you anyways. Any who, um, there's a certain element of like reading the person, understanding what would make them feel comfortable. Honestly, it was designing women. The TV show. FAWN: The TV show from the eighties. MATT: Yes. Dixie Carter, I think her name was on show. That show [00:03:00] on the show. And, and she said basically, um, the art of hospitality is making the other person feel comfortable. FAWN: When I first met you, you brought this notion to me MATT: Absolutely. FAWN: And I thought you made it up because, well, no, but we, so we became friends in, training martial arts. And you said, treat the world as if it's your home. So even the stranger on the streets, and this goes back to the, uh, martial arts training we had, it was the same kind of philosophy. The stranger that you meet on the street or you pass by, everyone is your guest, and your job is to make everyone feel at home, MATT: Yes, yes. It, it, it's your job now, caveats, blah, blah. Keep yourself physically safe, yada yada. But absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. And different people have different kind of what makes them comfortable. Some people aren't comfortable, uh, going in your fridge. Other people are [00:04:00] so, FAWN: you know what? I'm not comfortable with people going in our MATT: fridge. Well, and that's a whole other story too, right? But, you know, some people are very comfortable with Make yourself at home. There's beer in the fridge, dah, dah. Right. FAWN: Right. MATT: You know, that is one layer of comfort. Other people Yeah. E exactly. They're, they're tentative and they're very uncomfortable in that situation. So there's a certain amount of reading. But yeah, absolutely. Make the other person feel comfortable, make the other person feel like they're the priority and they're special. 'cause guess what, at some point you'll believe it too. And then everybody believes it, and that's a really good thing. FAWN: Should we go on to number two? MATT: Absolutely. FAWN: Okay. Try to see the worth and beauty in every person. Treat everyone as important. Speak to people with dignity. Assume goodness. People stay where they feel seen and valued. Anything to add? MATT: I always think about a Herman Hess book whenever this kind of thing comes up. And in this [00:05:00] Herman Hess book, and God help me, I don't remember which one it is, but basically he's hanging out with the family. They're having a great time. It's starting to get dark. Unfortunately, for unfortunately, um, the, the family has taken over kind of the, uh, responsibility because somebody passed away of this person who's in a wheelchair. They left them at home and it's getting dark and there's nothing they can do, and all of a sudden he just feels so guilty and he leaves this family to go and stand outside the door of this poor person who has no one to keep them company. And in that moment, he hears his, the, the person's name is Bapi. Uh, he hears Bapi singing and it's the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard. FAWN: Hmm. MATT: And. People surprise you. People, uh, amaze you and you know, everybody has that special charm, that special skill, that special whatever it is. And it's, it's, I almost [00:06:00] feel it's my duty to tease that out of people. FAWN: Number three. Ready for number three? Yes. MATT: Yeah. FAWN: Okay. One person can do it. Start small like drinks, inviting someone for drinks. Or meeting people for drinks, even a lunch or a breakfast or a dinner. Find something to celebrate and create a, a gathering. Um, a long time ago in Santa Monica and I talked about this years ago when we first started our podcast, but one of my neighbors every Sunday would have like a champagne get together. So none of us had like a set schedule with like a nine to five. Um. So it was hard. It was hard sometimes because you, you, well, you didn't know where your next paycheck was coming from. There was always that hustle that needed to happen, and if you allowed for it, you could feel like a total outcast [00:07:00] in society because you're not working like everybody else. You're not, you don't, your life is totally different, so it's hard to see your wins. It's hard to feel successful. It's hard to feel good sometimes. You really have to be on top of it and keep a, a positive attitude and so anyway. I really don't know why she started it, but we would meet every Sunday and she had champagne and fake champagne for those who were non-alcoholic. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: But she would make everyone go around the circle and celebrate something they did- a win for that week and everyone else would toast to their win. And honestly. Like most of the time people are like. I have no winds to share. Right. I don't know what I'm say, but she was like, Hey, I saw you in the laundry room. You did laundry. And that, believe me, in our building, that was a major feat because we had only a certain amount [00:08:00] of machines and it was a huge building and there was always like a fight over, like if you don't show up just in time for the dryer. Your stuff would be put in the corner on a dirty table maybe, or a, you know, like mm-hmm. You don't want, want people going through your underwear, you know, touching stuff. Right. So it was just, it was just a weird thing. So to accomplish laundry or to get quarters, to do that was actually a big deal. But you don't think of that as a big deal. Right. So we would toast to, I did laundry. Yay. MATT: The trick is, is to that, that's actually brilliant because if you look, you're always gonna be able to find something that you've accomplished and it may not feel like anything. It may be something that ended up turning into nothing, but it's about building momentum. It's about building those muscles. It's about paying attention and understanding that, hey, maybe everything does look like SHIT, except this one little [00:09:00] thing -except this one little thing, and then all of a sudden you start noticing that one little thing is two little things. It's five little things, is half of your reality is 95% of your reality, FAWN: and it takes it to a whole other level. When someone says, congratulations MATT: and there you have it, FAWN: here's a toast to you. MATT: And you can also then look at, well, what else could I do that would give me a win this week? And, and I think about the speech from the, the military guy who says, always make your bed. Doesn't matter what your day looks like, you're always gonna come back to a freshly made bed. That's a win. FAWN: Right, right. Number four, are we ready for number four? Are we? Hello? MATT: Yes. FAWN: Okay. Number four, regular gatherings, they create predictable connection. Community grows from repeated moments together. So rhythm matters. Consistency, right? Like every Sunday, [00:10:00] champagne toast MATT: gives you something to look forward to. FAWN: Mm-hmm. Are we ready for five? MATT: Yes. FAWN: Okay. I love this one. This is how our podcast started at our kitchen table. Okay, so the table, the table is one of the oldest social technologies humans have. A table is, is where community grows. That's where the food is. You have shared meals, it creates trust, warmth, conversation. You have a seat at the table, you belong. So when Matt and I got married, the first big purchase we got when we moved was this beautiful table. It's, it's, uh. Honestly, I've never seen anything like it. It's like a big slab of wood and it's [00:11:00] super long and it can be made even longer. So it can host a lot of people and we're like, yes, let's get this. And we're gonna build our family, like our community, and we're gonna have dinners all the time. We're gonna have people over all the time. Whew. So this table traveled from town to town, state to state in the United States, and eventually we lost hope and that table became our conference room table where I would teach the kids, I would homeschool the kids at this table. And then when Matt started working from home today, well, we didn't have MATT: room for it to be anywhere else than in this one room. FAWN: We also didn't have friends coming over. People looked at us like we were crazy. And they would get offended if I did invite someone over. They were so like literally offended because I invited them for tea. But when they showed up, I had fresh made like homemade pizza, [00:12:00] pizzas made, I like had all these different meals prepared. Right? And they were like, this makes me uncomfortable. You said we were just having tea. And I was like, really? This is your problem because I made food? MATT: Let's be careful and refer back to number one, which is make the other person comfortable, FAWN: but MATT: let it, it's, I, it's a balancing delicate act. And unfortunately, fortunately or unfortunately, I think they have problems how you do FAWN: well now I know they had problems. MATT: Hey, FAWN: you know, you know what I'm saying? Like MATT: right. And, and another tweak on food. Uh, is at the gas station, there is no table. But guess what? If somebody makes something super special, they bring in some mm-hmm. For people, they share it with the group. They'll sh they'll give it to Melissa who runs the register, and it, it's a way of deepening bonds and, and they'll mock me saying, sorry, Matt, we don't have [00:13:00] any sticks and rocks. FAWN: Well, what, what do you mean? MATT: Which is funny because that's what Mr. Wizard says, I eat. FAWN: Oh, because you're a vegan. MATT: So I lean into it, of course, but it, it deepens the relationship. It's, it's, it makes it more complicated, which makes it more friendly and friendshipy. FAWN: Well that Okay. Then going back to those people who showed up and they were like, oh, this makes me feel uncomfortable. MATT: Yes. FAWN: You know. Maybe they should also be gracious guests. Well, yes, and just say thank you. There MATT: is a FAWN: responsibility on the guest MATT: Receiv. FAWN: Yes. Receiv or receiving a compliment. People are like, they turn down a compliment because they're not used to it. It's the same thing and it's, it's very disrespectful to someone who's offering some love. You know what I'm saying? Right. By knocking it down. Just be gracious and say, [00:14:00] thank you. MATT: Right. You don't say, if somebody says, that's a nice shirt, you say this whole thing, FAWN: or you're beautiful, and then you start pointing out flaws. Like just, just stop and just say thank you, thank you, thank MATT: you. Move on. FAWN: Thank you. No, I mean, if you say thank you the wrong way, it could be weird too. MATT: I know, FAWN: but just like. Say thank you. Oh, well thank you. Anyway, so, um, the table, I love the table. Anyway, so we went from the table. Now being to. The table is the set center and people are invited to it again. And we're little by little, having people gather at our table. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: And when they don't guess what, we sit at the table and we don't use it for work all the time. It's mainly for the centerpiece of every kind of ceremony, three times a day. We try to sit there, [00:15:00] even if it's just one person. It's, it's a place to reflect. It's a place to create. It's a place to, um, be grateful for what we have. MATT: Yep. FAWN: Love the table. Number six. Are we ready for six? Yes. Focusing on kindness, loving kindness. Communities grow and people help each other. We know that so. I don't know what made us stop helping one another. So remembering that kindness is, uh, a glue. MATT: And this to me gets into things like, sometimes you're having conversation with someone and they bring up a, a, a piece of information that maybe, you know, is absolutely wrong. Not necessarily like grinding in calling 'em out on it. Be kind. Allow them to get up and say, wow, you know, I really thought that, uh, one plus one equaled two. But hey, you know. Interesting. I'll, I'll, I'll have to [00:16:00] take a look at that, or whatever. What, you know, whatever this thing is people say, you know, that's part of being kind, part of being kind is not, um, looking at things to, to, to, to comment negatively on. And also for me, especially in the technical industry, sometimes somebody just wants to tell you something just because they think it's cool and they have a full understanding. No one else in the God's screener thinks it's cool, but they really wanna talk about it and, and giving them the space to do that is a kindness, FAWN: another kind thing. That we should remember is to support someone going through a hard time. We all go through hard times, most of us on a, on a daily. It's nice to, it's kind to check in on someone. That's it. Celebrate things of all kinds, like celebrate all kinds of things, is what I was trying to say. Um, you know, visit people [00:17:00] who may be feeling bad for whatever reason, just kind things. It can be very little. It could be a tiny little note that you slip under the door that is encouraging or pretty or beautiful or, bringing a little tiny flower over anything kind. Alright, so that was number six. So number seven. The seventh step for creating the village, empower others to participate. A healthy village isn't built by one leader. Communities grow because people host events. They, they teach each other. They volunteer, they help organize something. This transforms guests into builders. So like, eventually those, those quote unquote friends, [00:18:00] they're not friends anymore, but those friends, they came over and they're like, oh, this is making us uncomfortable that you made all the this food. I'm like, first of all, I made this food because we are a family and I always make food. MATT: Right? FAWN: And you don't have to have it, you know, just, it's just be, I'm not forcing you to eat it. Anyway, what was I saying? I totally digress again. Um. Oh, but eventually these guests would come over and help me make stuff like we would make fun meals together and we would laugh and talk and have a really nice time. Actually, MATT: just remember, if you're creating a village, it's not about you, it's about the village. FAWN: Why are you looking at me like that? MATT: I'm just looking at you. Love you FAWN: sweet pea. No, I, I'm super paranoid. Do you think I make things about me or I made about me? No, MATT: I don't. FAWN: Okay, so I think, Matt, what do you think? I think the, common thing is [00:19:00] to celebrate life together. MATT: The, the common thread is to, is involvement. It's not just celebration, it's commiseration when appropriate. FAWN: True. MATT: You know, and to everyone's lives, some rain must fall. And having an understanding that, you know, there are people around you to help support you. One of the, one of the things I remember one of the many times I've been unemployed, uh, a friend of mine was like, you can work here if you want. And just him saying that was just, it was, it was literally all he could offer me and he offered it to me. FAWN: That's so sweet. MATT: And it's like, whoa. FAWN: Yeah. MATT: You know, that's something to take you back. It also was like getting a, a warm fuzzy blanket to wrap yourself in. FAWN: So those are like seven or eight steps that we can all take to create a village. Let's look at five stages and then we're done. Five stages of [00:20:00] growing a village. I just wanna go through these really quick. Okay. Stage one, think of it as a lighthouse. One visible point of warmth. Nothing big, just a light in the darkness. Communities don't begin with crowds. They begin with someone who leaves the light on. Kind of makes me think of me because I leave the garage light on and I wonder if it bothers the neighbors on the street because it's pretty bright. So anyway, forgive me, but I'm trying to leave the light on. Um, just kidding. Okay, number two, five stages. Second stage, the table. My favorite, where the magic happens. Stories are shared. People relax. Strangers become friends. The table turns individuals into a circle. Third stage, the rhythm. And Matt, you talk about this all the time, gatherings become regular. A village, [00:21:00] grows through repeated moments together. Fourth stage: ownership. People stop being guests and begin participating. A village grows when people feel it belongs to them. And the fifth stage culture, this is where we have tradition, shared jokes, collective memories, mutual care. Mutual care. A real community is where people show up for each other in life's most important moments. And that's it. That's what she's got for you. That's what we've got for you. What do you think? MATT: Brilliant. If I do say so myself, Lord have mercy, I sound arrogant. Cut that. FAWN: Ah, okay. That's it. MATT: Anyways. Lovely. FAWN: Have a lovely, [00:22:00] beautiful, every day. MATT: Be well.