“Sweet but Fleeting: Understanding Cotton Candy Friendships”

Transcript-Cotton Candy Friendship FAWN: [00:00:00] Things that are important to one, not important to the other. And cotton candy. Friendship, thank you for joining us this week. Here we go. Welcome back to our friendly world, everybody. MATT: Hello. FAWN: Here we go. MATT: Okay. What's FAWN: on your MATT: mind, FAWN: Matt? MATT: Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. So, so, yes. So something very, very important happened for me and no one else on God's green earth. FAWN: That's not true. I care. And the kids care. MATT: Yes, FAWN: but you're talking about friendship, MATT: but on some level you don't. It's like hard to understand. FAWN: No, I totally get it. It's ceremonial in a way. You're talking about the hat and and the pins, right? MATT: I'm talking about, yes. I'm talking about the hat and the pins. And that's only because you've born witness to my silliness. FAWN: But that's what friendship is, right? MATT: That is what friendship FAWN: is for each other's witnesses. That's what relationships are. MATT: We're each other's. Exactly. So [00:01:00] anyways, FAWN: see, MATT: so FAWN: you have, you have people who care, but you're talking about, MATT: I'm talking about friendships, FAWN: friendship on the, from the outside. MATT: From the outside. Family FAWN: outside, MATT: right. So anyways, so there's this programming site, yada yada. I've been on it for eight years, yada, yada. Um. You do stuff every day that's challenging and you get points, you can eventually redeem points for stuff. And in my case it was, oh my goodness, 590 coding challenges later. Uh, had I been doing it pathologically, it would've taken two and a half years, but it took me eight because I'm lackadaisical. Anyways. Oh, but I finally earned my hat. Great. Awesome. FAWN: Well explain what it is. You have to do coding every day, MATT: right? FAWN: Is it every single day? MATT: No. You don't have to do it every day, but [00:02:00] you have to do it FAWN: and you get points. MATT: I just FAWN: of accomplishment. I actually MATT: just said all of FAWN: that. I'm just recapping it. And then when you reach a certain amount of points, you get a prize. MATT: You, you can redeem your points for stuff FAWN: and MATT: a hat, a shirt, a blah, blah, blah. FAWN: And you chose a hat MATT: Yes. FAWN: With a pin? No. You bought pins MATT: for your hat. I chose a hat. And in the process of understanding I was gonna get my hat I wanted to get pins or buttons for it that are totally geeky and yet self representational. This is part of my whole process. I have a, I have a sweatshirt with, um, a patch that has my name on it, for instance. I want to try and see what I can do to make myself more approachable to others, to try and be able to spark friendships based on, Hey, you like this too. I like this. Let's talk FAWN: right. And you getting the hat. So what does that mean? And I think this comes also, I think the [00:03:00] disappointment is you feel like no one cares outside of the family, but for you, it's a ceremonial thing. And one thing I have not asked you is, okay, you've been coding most of your life, so Yes. What, what is this milestone exactly? Like what do you think this really means for you? Because it's, I feel like it's a ceremonial thing. You're being crowned with this hat now, and you specifically chose it for yourself. So what does that mean in your life? What's going on? MATT: Okay, so FAWN: things I guess a friend should be asking, right? But no one MATT: exactly. FAWN: No one you're saying no one cares. MATT: I'm not saying no one cares, but we're now gonna take it into I have, I have a friend I used to, she used to be my boss. We talk. But every time we talk it's like really good to talk. I'm always really excited. And then once it's over, I realize that it was almost like we just kind of missed each other, the whole conversation. I [00:04:00] feel like we just, we didn't actually connect. We, we, we threw words at each other, but we didn't really connect and we didn't have, 'cause we didn't have the time to connect. FAWN: That's because you meet once a season and it's for 30 minutes. There is no way to put everything. To pack everything in that 30 minutes to have actual realization about the person's life. It's more like, okay, I see how you look and you're just kind of, uh, passing by. MATT: It's like a worse version of being Facebook friends with someone is how it's starting to feel to me. FAWN: Yeah. And it's sad for you. I can feel that. MATT: Um, yeah, and it's, it's, it's FAWN: disappointing a little MATT: bit. It's disappointing. It's bothering me. And like the last second to last time we talked, I was like, Hey, can we do this more often? And I was told basically no. FAWN: Mm-hmm. MATT: Wow. Ow. It hurt. It stings. FAWN: Yeah. I, I, I totally get that. Of MATT: course FAWN: it does. MATT: And, and I was like, you know what, that's fine. If this person [00:05:00] doesn't really wanna be my friend, that's fine. Let's just, I'm not gonna contact them again. Yet, then they tug on the string. FAWN: Mm-hmm. MATT: Once a season again. So that's four times a year, half an hour each call. Great. FAWN: Mm-hmm. MATT: But you know, it's like, and hopefully they're gonna realize it, but like she had spinal surgery and yet they lost power at their house for four days, and that was like a sentence. And then we moved on to the next thing. FAWN: Right, because there's no time, MATT: because there's no time exactly FAWN: wrapped up in the busyness and there's no way you can pack that in. MATT: And I, I didn't even mention the hat. I didn't even mention our plumbing woes. I didn't even mention so many things. FAWN: Right. And there are lots of friendships like that and they see each other every day, but we take it for granted. Like, oh, the person's there, whatever. MATT: Right. FAWN: But I was also saying that, um, when you were talking [00:06:00] about this, I was saying, well, you can say that no one really cares because everyone is only seeing their life. Most people see everything from only their own perspective and their own needs. Mm-hmm. And that's another problem I think that is out there, has been out there for a while now, and another reason why we have a podcast about it is to bring up these issues because I mean, everything is so egocentric and self-centered and that usually happens when things are in, , a state of distress. When people feel, what's the word? Um, you know, like when the house is on fire, MATT: survival mode. FAWN: Sur thank you. Survival mode. This is prime exact example of what happens, but if we bring, if we talk about it and, and, and, you know, like how comedians [00:07:00] make fun of things. Mm-hmm. They bring things to they, they bring things up. It makes you think, right, MATT: right. FAWN: So it's good that we're bringing it up. MATT: Yes. Yeah, it's, it's good we're bringing it up and honestly, I've been thinking about it and it's like, you know what? I'm just gonna, like, unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm gonna send out a Christmas letter to this person. You know how in, in the olden days, FAWN: in the 19 hundreds, MATT: in the 19 hundreds, um, you would get a Christmas card. In the Christmas card, there would be a Christmas letter, and the Christmas letter would catch you up on all the events that happened to this family during the year. FAWN: But honestly, why? Why even bother? They don't care. MATT: It's always FAWN: no MATT: in, in a voyeuristic way. Much like Facebook. It's interesting to hear about what other people are up to. FAWN: Yeah, but it's not your job and why bother? Why put that kind of energy and effort into something like that? They don't care. If [00:08:00] they cared. Matt, sorry, harsh truth. MATT: Here it comes. FAWN: If they cared, they would be there. So don't waste your time and energy. Just know that , your energy is not the same. Right? MATT: True. FAWN: So, but if, if they were the same, distance doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I know time doesn't matter, you're still together. MATT: But even my rhythms with the other people that I am in much more frequent contact. It took. Time for those rhythms to develop. FAWN: Yes, but this has been like a long time. At least a decade. Maybe a decade. Yeah. I think it's been 10 years. You met 10 years ago. MATT: I don't wanna think about that. I really don't wanna, FAWN: but most of that. Most of that is because you worked in the same office. MATT: We did. FAWN: So again, it's like being school friends, MATT: right, FAWN: right, right. You're just there, you're lumped in together [00:09:00] and you can say, oh, I have so many friends. Because you're all forced to go in the same room, in the same building at a certain time. But true, true friendship, true relationships, your energy matches and you move life. You move through life, you move through life together, MATT: right? FAWN: And if you don't, it's okay. You're galloping along at your thing, at your pace, and someone is sitting by the creek over here contemplating maybe like going to the desert and you're headed to the mountains, you know? Right. It's okay, Matt. I mean, you can be sad about it for a little bit, but don't wallow in it and don't think that this is forever and for everything. This is just this one relationship. So maybe part of like you getting crowned this new hat. I [00:10:00] think subconsciously, you know, that there's a whole new chapter about to begin, and maybe the reason why you're feeling sad in coming to this realization about this particular friendship is your past. MATT: And, and you're FAWN: right, it's, it's, it's further being sealed as the past. MATT: You're right, and I am now. And as we stated at the beginning, this is what, what, what I'm gonna call a cotton candy friendship. I'm just gonna say it's, there's, there's very little to no substance, FAWN: right? There's MATT: no FAWN: nutritional MATT: value. It's just a little treat. Maybe I get four times a year, and that's what it is, and that's all it is. FAWN: It looks big, but once you taste it, it disappears, but it's enjoyable. It looks pretty. MATT: Recognizing it for what it is, you're right, is very important and it's what I should be doing going forward. FAWN: Hmm. But you know, we always say nobody loves like us, but guaranteed there are people [00:11:00] out there who do love like us, right, who are looking and do value friendship as family, and can maneuver the same speed. And I'm not saying we're fast or anything, I'm just saying our energies have to align. MATT: Right. FAWN: Aligned. Being aligned. MATT: Right. FAWN: Not to sound like a crazy, uh, I kept saying crazy hippie spiritualist, and I totally offended someone last week because I kept saying, oh, not that I'm a crazy hippie. And he's like, watch it. I used to be a hippie. I I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying, and I, and I did say hippies these days are different than the hippies from your generation to that guy. It's true though, right? It's a, it's a totally different MATT: thing. I definitely think things have shifted around in all levels. In all ways. Yes. FAWN: So, all right. So cotton candy friendship, it's okay, but it's, you know, [00:12:00] it's for, uh, MATT: enjoy it for what it is. It will not nourish. It will not fulfill, but it can be fun. FAWN: It's a Carnival. MATT: Carnival. FAWN: Anyway, so Is that it? MATT: That's it. FAWN: So what's our big takeaway besides like, it's all right, move on. MATT: Enjoy all the relationships you have, but don't try and make more out of them than they are. FAWN: Yeah. Can I add one more thing? Remember, uh, what's her name? Condo Marie Kondo? MATT: Yes. FAWN: Is it Marie Kon? MATT: Marie Kondo, but, FAWN: all right. Well, she's the one who said if it doesn't spark joy, that's when you can part with it. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: Oh my God. I totally forgot what I was gonna say. MATT: Same goes for friendships. FAWN: No, this is what I was gonna say. Not like it's okay. Oh, well, part with it. It doesn't give you joy, like get rid of it. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, I did read her book a long time ago, right when it came out and it said, [00:13:00] let's say you're going through your closet and you come across something you, you bought, but you never wore. But it doesn't give you joy anymore. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: So get rid of it, but you keep, you hold onto it because you never wore it, but you bought it. MATT: Mm-hmm. FAWN: And you've been holding onto it. It's been taking up space. And every time you look at it now, it's starting to make you feel bad. 'cause you're like, oh, I spent all this money and I never wore it. I never used it. But sometimes you have to say, thank you for bringing the joy. Just buying, you brought me joy. That's enough. I don't have to wear it. I didn't have to wear it. The joy was still there and now you can part with it. So, MATT: gotcha. FAWN: You can kind of think about friendship like that. Not that it's not serving me anymore. It doesn't bring me joy. It's like it once did, thank you, but I'm in a different place now and I don't need this jacket anymore.[00:14:00] So that's how I was gonna compare it to, you know. Marie Kondo. MATT: Gotcha. FAWN: Alright, uh, that's it for this week. MATT: Okay. FAWN: Talk to you in a few days. MATT: Be well. FAWN: have a lovely every day.