Episode Transcript
Public - Private - Secret
FAWN: [00:00:00] Welcome back everybody. Welcome to our Friendly World. Hello. I came across this idea and I'm not sure if I agree with it. For, for everyone. I'm special. I feel like I'm different than this, but I'm sure I'll be proven wrong. Anyway, this idea came up that people that everyone has three lives that they're made of.
There's the public, there's the private, and there's the secret, dun dun. Everyone has a public life, a private life, and a secret life. What are those? And it's kind of like an onion, I guess. And how do they interplay? With our relationships, especially making friends. Alright, so the public life, what is that?
It's what you present to the world. It's the mask you put on, like the makeup you put on, the way you fix your hair. A certain amount of, external confidence that you portray. [00:01:00] The small talk that you have, you know, it's everything is for the public, the public life. In a way it's kind of like code switching .
Like you speak a certain way at work and you speak a certain way, like when you are out and about with the general public. Right,
MATT: right.
FAWN: It's a shell to keep the wrong people out. A shell to keep the wrong people out and the right people at a distance until, you feel they're worthy of coming into your private circle.
Okay. Your inner circle. Right. Okay. Okay.
Then there's the private, the private life. Mm-hmm. Which is, that's where your family and your really, really, really close friends; the people who see you when you're without your makeup, when you wake up and you're not dressed to go out, they know what you look like.
They know how different things affect you, they know intimate things about you like that. Right?
MATT: Okay.
FAWN: it's whatever you are not [00:02:00] presenting to the outer world. They know things that the public world doesn't know. Okay. That's fair. So that's your private. Your private life. Mm-hmm. And then there's your secret life that even close family people who see you all the time
MATT: dunno about. Does that mean, is that, that's like my stash of chocolate.
I keep in the
FAWN: Do you
MATT: kidding
FAWN: But that's where you are self-aware. Like, oh yeah, I'm, you know, I was a jerk to this person. Or, I guess it's, it's the thoughts that you have, you know, about your biggest vulnerabilities. Things other people don't know.
Not even the private circle.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: Like you're not as successful as you wanna be. Like you, you have these thoughts, like these are your inner okay, most secret thoughts, but you know that no one else knows this about you, so that's your secret life. And so
it's kind of like an egg with different layers. [00:03:00] I've never, I, I don't think I can fit into that. I don't have a public, private, or secret life. I'll walk out of the house the way I woke up.
MATT: What do you always say that would delineate public from private?
Like there are things that I know about you. Most people don't know. The nicer you are, oftentimes it's the more upset you are.
FAWN: Okay, so this is Matt talking about me because we were just talk, we were just literally just talking about this in the kitchen. 'cause it, I just brought up this idea about the three different lives and I'm like, look, I don't have any of that because I don't have anything to hide.
You know, I don't have a public persona and a private persona. It's the same thing. And whatever secret life exists, I have a big mouth. I'll start, like I'll start talking about things I'm thinking about. So you and the kids know all my thoughts pretty much. Sometimes I can't express some things [00:04:00] to the kids, but I'll express it to you at some point.
Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Right. I don't hide anything. There is no secret with me. But then you, you, you disproved that upstairs by talking about, well, and this is true, that when I'm really mad at someone or totally disappointed, disgusted, I will seem like the most polite person to that person.
I'll be very polite, overly polite, and that was a while ago. I don't do that anymore. And then you said, yeah, that's because you, you, you give less Fs. Now
MATT: I did say that,
FAWN: but only someone in my private world would've known that and I had to tell you that. 'cause you're like, wait, you don't like this person, but you are so nice to them?
I'm like, yeah, because I'm keeping them at a distance, like if I'm overly nice
in a situation where you're like, why were you nice to them? It's because I treat them like [00:05:00] a, a ravaged dog, you know, like a a, a diseased raccoon. You have to very gently walk away. So that's my way to just make sure the air is clear. Mm-hmm. So I can make an escape.
MATT: Right.
FAWN: But I don't do that anymore.
Do I, I just disappear now. I'm just, or I'll let them know I'm mad. I'm like, I, I don't put up with stuff anymore. Right. Or like, I'm, I'm less PC now politically correct. I'll just say it.
MATT: I, I, I would agree with that. However, I still do see it.
FAWN: You see it in me and
MATT: I, yeah. And I don't want to get into specifics right now.
Which is what I'd have to do.
FAWN: See, I'm, I'm very curious now because I feel like I don't really even have a public life anymore, so I don't know who I'm being nice to.
Correct. Matt just wrote, alright guys, I'm glad we're not on video. Matt just wrote down [00:06:00] the person's name. You're so right. You're so right. Yes, very true. Very true. Oh, okay. Alright. So I'm, I fall into this too. We have a public or private and secret life, except
MATT: I would argue that there's nuances and multiple layers and, and it's almost like you're in the friend zone, you're in the private zone, the public zone, and nobody's in the secret zone.
Mm-hmm. Right. I, I think is how this guy would argue it. But like there are people who I would argue are. Getting into the private zone, but they don't know everything. And I'm, I'm carefully monitoring, you know, the pieces of information I'm sharing with them. You know, be it, because I've got stories I like to tell everyone that I meet, right?
Because everybody wants to hear about the time I met the basis from Iron Maiden. Actually nobody does. But, um, you know, I, I keep track of these things so I can tell that story again. 'cause [00:07:00] I like telling that story. Mm-hmm. You know, that kind of thing. So I would argue that there's kind of access levels inside of each of these things.
And you know, I think one of the things I think is, I, I want to say as when we're super young and as we get older. We're willing to let more people know about things that are, we're, we're willing to let our public persona be bigger and more honest.
FAWN: Yeah. And why do we do that? I mean, I understand having a public face when we're at work,
MATT: right?
FAWN: Because why, I mean, I'll, I'll just say you don't want any private information to get out. Like, what if I'm looking for another job? I'm at this job, I don't want that to be known. Or do I
MATT: Right.
FAWN: Or I don't know. I mean, I, I definitely understand, you know, or maybe we to have, I
MATT: personally really don't like [00:08:00] somebody.
Mm-hmm. Or maybe I personally really like someone. Mm-hmm. But I wanna keep it professional, period. You know, because rules of society dictate that, you know, I shouldn't overstep certain bounds.
FAWN: Hmm. I guess that's where I got in trouble a lot was, um, I would tend to, uh, when I was younger mm-hmm. Combine private and public when I shouldn't have done that.
MATT: Right. Right. Whereas I believe that there are boundaries.
FAWN: Boundaries. I didn't have any boundaries,
MATT: you know, and I, I put boundaries between, workmates and then when we become closer than workmates, there's still boundaries, there's still areas I do not go wandering into with them.
FAWN: I can totally respect that now, and now I understand that fully or as fully as I can.
But it seems
MATT: so calculating, doesn't it?
FAWN: It does. And that's why when I was younger I was like, this is terrible. I don't wanna live like that. Right. [00:09:00] But now I see the reasons why we do, we do need to have a public, a private, and a secret life. It's like having a house. You don't wanna be living out in the wilderness without any protection,
MATT: right?
FAWN: It gets cold. You need to have a structure you can go inside of like a shell. I don't know how to explain that. That just came out wrong as I stepped away from my body and heard that like you don't, I'm not talking about building walls so you don't get close to people. That's not what I'm talking about, but I feel like there is a certain sanctuary that is needed
mm-hmm for you to be a whole healthy, psyche spirit person.
MATT: Right.
FAWN: There are certain things that need to get cooked and baked in secret until it's time for it to come out and be public. And there's nothing wrong with that.
MATT: Right? And there are certain aspects of yourself that if you allow them to be broadcast, [00:10:00] people would use them against you and people who don't have your
best interests at heart for sure, to be able to use that. Be able to use information against you or just
FAWN: sabotage
MATT: for For themselves?
Yeah. Yeah.
Either way.
FAWN: So personality wise though, it's really good to know that, and I wish I had known that when I was younger, but yet when I was younger, it felt like it was easier to make friends than it is now, but maybe only because we're more discerning now,
with more experience. So we have different kinds of friends. Mm. No, I, I'm onto something. I, I, I don't know how to verbalize it quite yet. It was easier to make friends when we were younger, when we were kids. Why? Did we have a public, a private, and a secret life then? I'm sure we did.
MATT: We did.
We absolutely did, but they weren't as serious. Maybe, maybe that's, maybe that's a good word for it. And [00:11:00] also because when you attend a, like an elementary school, let's go all the way back to that. Odds are it's gonna be in a similar neighborhood to the one you grew up in, the one that you're living in. So socioeconomically, there's similarities.
You're also spending eight hours a day with people. You know, having the same experiences or at least very similar experiences. Ah.
FAWN: But think about it. Maybe that's why the kids that were popular were so popular because they could figure out the distinction of having a private versus a public versus a secret life.
They knew what mask to put on to be really popular maybe, and that was their public life and. Only certain, a certain crowd could be in that private mode. And even then there was more of a secret going on. 'cause it they, I think if I'm thinking about it right now, which is the first time I'm actually having these thoughts, I feel like, they [00:12:00] probably mastered the art of having a mask, a public mask.
Much like when you do really work. Well at work, like you're able to completely thrive in a corporate atmosphere where you have to be almost, not showing your emotions that you are able to maneuver without getting emotional. I am emotional. It's written all over my face, and I didn't do well in corporate environments
because you needed to have that public persona where it was guarded in a way. Yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying? And,
MATT: and, and I would argue that I tend to get in trouble at work when I do show emotion
FAWN: and private information.
MATT: Sometimes Yes.
FAWN: And I think because maybe is it my fault, you've been around me. So now you share more of the privates during the public, you're more friendly and, there's less boundaries. 'cause you've, I feel like you have [00:13:00] gotten that from me. And from you, I've become more of a boundary person. Like we've switched a little bit
MATT: maybe and, and I think that that's probably normal and natural, but, but I would argue that first of all, I get lied to.
Somebody tells me, yes, we do bring your, bring your emotions to work, but they always think about the positives and not the, I'm upset because of these reasons, these emotional reasons. They just want it to be like, I really believe in what we're doing and I'm so emotionally happy to be doing it. That's what they think.
They only think the positive and not the negative. Right. That's
FAWN: with everybody, not just business. Right,
MATT: right. In some cases it's like, I want to, I wanna believe them.
FAWN: Yeah.
MATT: But
FAWN: that's how I grew up. They were like, let us know what you're feeling, blah, blah, blah, and then if I was sad or upset or like, not that I even had a tantrum, but like if I said, Hey, you know, I don't, I feel uncomfortable about this [00:14:00] situation-
what's happening- what you all have said? Mm-hmm. Then I was negative. Don't bring your negativity here. Meanwhile, they were negative. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. So they wanted nothing to do with my whole being. Right. They say they do
MATT: right? Everybody always does. But like you said, they
FAWN: only wanted the positive.
They
MATT: only want the good. They all wanted and then they,
FAWN: in the end that that's what they would say, only, only be around us when you're in a happy mood. Like family. Family would say that. Or Thanks guys, you know, or friends say that to you. And that goes back to our original premise for our way of friendship is the Nichomachian ethics-
there are three types of friends. Friends that are with you because of the way they feel around you. There are friends that are with you because of what they get from you, and then there are friends that just love you for all of it. Right? They just love you. That's it. They're
MATT: just in on for the ride.
Take
FAWN: it all. Yeah. Anyway, some things to think about the public, the private, and the [00:15:00] secret.
I love it when you break me down, Matt. I'm like, oh, hectic. That's true. I forgot it. Hectic.
MATT: But that's because we do, we share our c um, our private. And a heck of a lot of anything that I would even consider secret. I can't even think about what's secret. Secret. Do
FAWN: you really, there's still some things you won't tell me.
You have some secret club with your sister that you still don't tell me about. What is that?
MATT: Uh, can't talk about that on air.
FAWN: Well, you still haven't told me in person either, so makes me wanna keep some secrets.
MATT: Not that, not that it bothers you at all.
FAWN: I'm a very nosy person when it comes to like our relationship.
I'm like, I, if you have a thought and you're like, oh, nothing, nevermind. I'm like, what were you thinking? Not nothing, nothing. Not important. I'm like, it is important. You let me know right now. What are you thinking about? It was the largest booger you've ever seen. Anyway, [00:16:00] so I hope this helps. I think we need to respect the public, the private, and the secret.
I think it makes for good baking, you know, like thoughts, ideas, art projects, careers, the things you wanna create in your life. I think it's important to start everything off as a sacred space, a secret, sacred thing you only know about. And then as things develop, then maybe you can share it privately, and then when it's all formed, then you can release it out into the public.
MATT: Sounds good.
FAWN: It doesn't mean you're a closed off person and that you can't have friends, but I think we need to remember that these three exist, .
MATT: Alright, be well, everyone.
FAWN: Have a beautiful every day
If you need us, we're here. Email us. Talk to you later.
MATT: Bye-bye.
