Episode Transcript
Acquire Yourself A Friend
FAWN: [00:00:00] Acquire yourself a friend,
not find, not wait to connect to, but acquire.
This is what we're talking about this week. Friendship isn't just nice to have. It's actually part of how we become who we are meant to be. It's intentional, not accidental. It doesn't just happen. You build it on purpose, you invest time, you show up consistently.
You sometimes give more than feels equal. And I think that was one of my personal, deal breakers was when it wasn't equal, but I guess that's how it's supposed to be according to wisdom. So thank you for joining us. Here we go.
Welcome back to our friendly world, everybody.
MATT: Hello.
FAWN: Hi. Welcome back.
MATT: Oh my goodness. So acquisition. So this sounds like, I remember when we were talking about marriage before we got married and we, and we saw it as a merger of companies, [00:01:00] of organizations. Mm-hmm. Acquire feels very similar, doesn't it?
FAWN: It feels.
Actually, when I first came across it, I was like, this smells bad. Like, you know, I need a face. Like what? But I had to really look into it and understand what it was trying to say. It's old wisdom and it's, to me, yeah, when I came across it, it became like this transactional thing, and I've just always been against that.
It feels like I'm taking, I am owning somebody even. And yeah, it just feels, oh dear, it feels wrong,
MATT: it does,
FAWN: but when does it, yeah. I mean, it did when I first looked at it, but when I took a clear, when I take a clear, truthful look. Myself, I think I've been waiting, waiting to feel understood, waiting for someone to reach out, you know, like someone else to reach out.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: Waiting for connection to feel easy [00:02:00] again. 'cause it, at one point it felt easy and. By the way, I haven't, I've, I feel like most times I'm the one to reach out, but I got to this state and I noticed it last week that I've been really negative on our podcast. Like, like I was saying, we've switched roles.
Like, not that you are negative, Matt, whoa, no, you are not negative. But I've become the person who doesn't really go out anymore, doesn't. Isn't interested in making new friends. I'm just like, you know, I was feeling heartbroken, so I'm like, I don't even care.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: So, I stopped being the one that goes out and I was, I noticed in myself that I was waiting for it to happen.
Um, and you know, and I would say, yeah, but we've moved here. I've made this movement happen. I've organized events mm-hmm for people to become friends, but thinking about it for myself,
MATT: right?
FAWN: I'm like, ouch. I really, I've been [00:03:00] waiting. So I had to come to that truth
but, um, yeah, I have been waiting,, waiting to feel understood, even waiting for someone, to just see how wonderful I'm, you know, waiting for connection to feel easy like I said, like that. I was thinking about that. I'm like. Yeah, that's what I've been waiting for. Like, you know, like in the movies where you recognize each other instantly. You see them and everything slows down, like meeting your true love, but your friend, it's kind of like that same romantic ideal that I, Had going in my head, Uhhuh. And when that doesn't happen, it's just disappointing. And then time has been going by so fast that it's like, wow, all this time has gone by. And here I am. So I. And in that waiting, I've definitely felt more alone. [00:04:00] So with the idea of acquiring a friend, I have been confronting myself, as I said, and what am I doing to build connection?
I thought like for real, like what am I doing for myself, not the community out there. Am I reaching out? Am I following up? Am I showing up even when I feel unsure, tired, or a little hurt? Which most cases I have been, or the dreaded busy, like what I'm, I'm busy. Like I, I, in my own private brain have been saying I'm busy or have I been quietly waiting, expecting friendship to come to me.
So this is what I've been thinking about, especially so since the last episode. It's not about chasing people or overgiving, which I tend to do, like when I do go out, oh, I treat everybody even though I can't [00:05:00] afford it, or I just, sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself because I give so much.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: And I'm exhausted. I ended, I, and I end up having outbursts by myself later that night. You know what I mean? Matt, right.
MATT: Oh, I've heard them. Yeah, absolutely. All through the house, no less.
FAWN: So,
It's not about chasing people or overgiving or losing myself, it's about intention. It's about understanding that real friendship is something we participate in Creatively. Real friendship is something we participate in creating.
When my outlook gets a little heavier, that's when I start telling myself things like, they're probably doing more important things than wanting to hang out with me. They don't really care. Oh my God, that's a big one for me. You said that yesterday. Nobody cares about us in the family.
Right. Do you [00:06:00] remember?
MATT: I was feeling like Eyore yesterday,
FAWN: but that's what I'm saying. We get into that space and all these thoughts come up like that or just um, or I'll just wait or. In my case, let's move. Like, this is not our place. Let's get outta here. Let's find a different neighborhood.
Let's find a different place and a different culture. And these stories feel comfortable because they're, they're protecting, like it feels like I'm being protected when I come up with these ideas, like moving but they're. They're disconnecting me and I, I see that. So my own challenge is to choose one person to reach out to, not because it's convenient, not because I'm sure of how it will go, but because I wanna be, I wanna, I want to, practice building connection instead of waiting for it.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: Maybe acquiring a friend isn't about [00:07:00] gaining someone new, but about showing up differently with the people already in our lives. I'm not talking about the people that I don't like. I'm talking about, there are people who are cool, but like, I like, you know, those stories come up. They're so busy, they're, they probably have better things to do.
Or maybe I'm a little whiny today. No one wants this, you know, like. I just come up with excuses. I'm even mean to myself, like, oh, you're whiny. Who would wanna hang out with you? But I'm really not. I think it's in my head, I'm whiny. Mm-hmm. But I don't think, I mean, correct me if I, if it's, do you think I'm whiny?
MATT: No,
FAWN: but those are the thoughts that go in my head and I'm like, no one wants that.
MATT: I think those are the thoughts that go through everyone's head. And the thing is, is to just. Dial the number, send the text, send the email before you have a chance to really think it through. So you send out something, maybe a little nonsensical, but it gets [00:08:00] sent.
Right. Because there is no worse feeling than the whole, oh my God, I haven't talked to this person in six months or a year or however long it's been. Now it's too late. Yeah,
FAWN: that's the thing. There was no worse
MATT: feeling.
FAWN: Right, right. I did that this morning. I reached out to Lars. I'm like, Lars, I don't. You know what?
Let me see.
MATT: Didn't you just talk to him not too long ago?
FAWN: No. See, that's the thing. You think it wasn't that long ago, but it's now been two months.
MATT: Okay. It's two months. Two months isn't six months, so,
FAWN: so I said. We call each other superstar and super genius. So I wrote, dear Superstar, I've been wanting to reach out but keep getting swallowed up by the waters of work and plumbing fiascos, Hey, hello.
I love you. And then I told him how I think about him every day, like he and his family and you know, all that. And I went on, but like I just sent that out.
MATT: Right?
FAWN: No expectation of anything, but just to let him know. I always think about him, [00:09:00] but here's why I forgot to text or I forgot to stay in touch.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: You know, so that was my, one of my mini steps. Um, so if you are feeling that quiet distance too. I think a lot of us are, as Matt just said, we should look at it as not to be fixing everything, not to suddenly become someone else, and to take one step, one small step towards someone. A message, a check-in a moment of effort.
All the things you just said, Matt, and maybe, and maybe a friendship doesn't start with finding the perfect friendship, but it starts with becoming someone who's willing to build it, like becoming that person who wants to build it. And I must admit, I became [00:10:00] one of those people who didn't, who didn't want to, because I was like, huh, it's my ball.
I'm gonna take it and I'm gonna be in my corner. I mean, I think, to be honest, that's how I was feeling. Uhhuh, and I'll admit it.
What do you have to say? Mm-hmm.
MATT: Well, I'm reminded of a lot of things. Uh, I'm reminded of the fact that when I first met Steeny and I didn't even realize this was his first quote unquote professional job. He used to work at FedEx as a baggage handler or a, A package handle. You mean
FAWN: a corporate like office job?
MATT: It was his first, like this was his first corporate office job suit job, but like he literally decided I was gonna be his friend. And then he just never left me alone. Literally. I mean, he would stop by my office every day. He'd say, he'd ask how I was. He was always on board for all the wackiness that I wanted to do.
I was, I was a,
I was a leader.
Um, [00:11:00] and I would do some silly things that had business sense to them, but they were still kind of silly and kind of fun. But they were team building. He was always on board for that.
FAWN: Wait, tell. Tell people what you did. I think they were so cool. Like, like when someone got fired, you would take them out to the movie?
We would go
MATT: out to the movies. Well, when somebody got laid off, laid off, thank God not fired, but or, and or someone left. There was a couple of people who just left and so I went, I took them to the movies too. Life is so cool.
FAWN: When did you go to the batting cages? You would do that too, right?
MATT: Sometimes I would go to the batting cages.
Not very often.
FAWN: You did childlike things
MATT: right?
FAWN: Like fun playground stuff.
MATT: And, and we, we had like, there was like a, a, a company contest. And so of course I had to participate. Uh, I joined the bowling team. I supported the softball team by heckling from the stands. I mean, you know, I tried, I tried to show up, I tried to have fun.
I tried to be a leader. Um, and he was always on board for it. [00:12:00] And like he was literally craving that. He wouldn't, he, he just wouldn't give me space. So what other choice did I have? But to make him my friend on some level,
FAWN: we, okay, this comes back to our conversation yesterday because I was packing the house and there were, the boxes were really heavy and you asked if I needed help.
MATT: Yes.
FAWN: I'm like, here we go again. I said, you know what? I think women have beaten down men so much by like, how dare you open the door for me? I could do it myself. I think that's ruined our relationships. I said I hate it when Matt not, I'm sorry, not Matt. I hate it with when men, like, like one of your bosses on the street years ago, he was standing on the corner in front of our apartment.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: And this was in Santa Monica. And parking was crazy,
MATT: right?
FAWN: Like to find, sometimes you had to park four blocks away [00:13:00] because it's such a touristy area. And then when you're, when you have bags, you're carrying from work and you have groceries and you're carrying all that.
Mm-hmm. So I was carrying like, I think 10 bags. They were heavy, and I was almost to the corner, and he's standing there having a good time, enjoying the sunlight. Not a care in the world, nothing in his hands. I'm the, I'm very petite and I'm carrying 10 heavy bags, like they're digging into my shoulders. My arms, like I had everything, like everything.
He has a nerve to look at me and say, do you need help? And I got so mad.
The, but what, what I had issue with was like, be a man. You are way stronger than I am, way taller, way more muscular, you know, way stronger. Why are you asking? [00:14:00] Obviously I need help. Look at me like to ask. So I got mad. I'm like, no thanks, you know, but I really want, it was just, I don't know it, it wasn't a good comeback for me to say that.
I should have said yes, but I get mad if they have to ask. I like men who take control, right? So yesterday I am like, Matt, if you have to, don't ask me, just take the, obviously I need help. Just can you just take charge? I, I love it when you take charge. You know what I'm saying?
MATT: I do,
FAWN: I do. Why are you looking at me like that?
I know I sound terrible.
MATT: Well, it's, it's like you'll block me from picking up a box or you know, you're moving like so fast. Unless I'm there for the millisecond that I can grab the box before you call it.
FAWN: That's not true all the time.
MATT: Not all the time.
FAWN: It was yesterday. But I also think that No, that's not true, Matt.
That's not true. I was doing it all day yesterday. Um, [00:15:00] there was plenty of opportunity to help. I'm just saying now I forgot my whole, I just went off on a tangent. I had, what were we saying?
Before I started talking about this, what were we saying? I was saying it's like when men don't just do it. Oh, we were talking about Steamy. That's his nickname. Steamy. But like he's such a man and he will take charge and do something, but he knows how to balance by asking, can I do this? Like, I remember we were going through something horrific and he called me, he said, Fawn, I'm, I'm planning to come help you.
Is that okay with you? And I was so relieved. And I said, yes, yes, please. He's such a man. He's such a good man in that way where he takes charge just like he did with the [00:16:00] friendship, like the way you described it. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like, he's like, I'm gonna keep showing up. Like I want, I wanna be your friend.
You know what I'm saying? I wanna do this.
MATT: Right.
FAWN: But there's still that, that, uh, respect of asking, but it's not asking like. Oh, do you need help with that a hundred pound bag that you're obviously struggling with? If you have to ask, do you know what I'm saying? Like, ugh. Anyway, so I appreciate that. I really appreciate that.
That about S Steamy, right?
MATT: And I've actually taken that on myself. You know, I am in the process of attempting to build a friendship and I'm very, I'm being very aggressive, much more aggressive maybe than I would normally be and trying to communicate. And it took literally like four or five me reaching out before they finally reached back.
FAWN: But going back to the whole word acquire.
MATT: Mm-hmm.
FAWN: I mean, does it [00:17:00] make sense to you now? Does it, what do you think?
MATT: Well, it's, it's, it's like,
it's like when you're just dating someone and you're just dating the woman you think may become your wife. It's a whole different mindset. You go into the whole thing with Right. And that's what I, I think about when I hear acquire, I think that you're thinking about this as somebody who I want to be, you know, my friend for a very long time.
FAWN: Yeah. You're
MATT: not just a,
FAWN: you're building family,
MATT: not just a, somebody to hang out with.
FAWN: You're acquiring a circle,
MATT: right?
FAWN: So you're not, you're not buying a person, which it, which to me, that's what it's, it felt like, right? Mm-hmm. That's why I said transactional. But you're. You are building your family.
MATT: Right.
FAWN: Well, that's it for me. Do you have anything else you wanna say? I
MATT: thought that last point was brilliant,
FAWN: frankly. It was, it was brilliant. It was brilliant. I just wanna make sure that you, you got it all out. I tend to talk a [00:18:00] lot, so I, I wanted to make sure you wanted to express everything. Matt just cleared his Buddha board.
Alright, so I guess you're done.
Alright. Thanks for hanging out with us.
MATT: Be well everyone.
FAWN: We'll talk to you in a few days.
