A Kind World with special guest Barry Lane

This episode, we are visiting with our lovely and talented friend who travels around the country teaching kindness to school children (and people of all ages, really). He is a phenomenally kind, beautiful human being, writer, publisher, musician, husband, father, great friend, Barry Lane!

This episode will calm your senses and make you feel way better about the world! Barry even sings to us! And we discuss the way of kindness. Enjoy this very important episode. 

to contact us: www.ourfriendlyworldpodcast.com or www.ourfriendlyworld.com

To contact Barry: www.forcefieldforgood.com

If you enjoy our show, please contribute by leaving us a little something, or a big something ;)
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Transcript: Episode 36 -  A Kind World with Barry Lane

[00:00:00] Track 1: [00:00:00] And Matt, we're an interracial couple with two kids wanting to do something that highlights the power of friendship and what it means to be in the company of true friends. We're going to move our society away and out of the loneliness epidemic and into a friendlier, happier world. Welcome to our friendly world.

Better, stronger together,

guys, listen to this. Barry Barry, will you lead us in please? Sure.

[00:01:00] no worries. No more fears, something new between the years someone hits you. Turn your cheek. The word peak is the day.

The new day now is you can judge me by my skin kick in time to look within treat you the truth is on the track, but no one talks behind your back is now is the new day. Now is

the

day, both are weak [00:02:00] is a verdict. So there's the burden sings, but more love and much less much the world go up. Hurry. Cause now is.

Now is any day

now is the mixed fleet of one tree live in peace and unity at the old embrace a new

you, you.

Now is your day. How is the day now is a new day hungry people, scared. They don't know how much we can feast the sun soak up. It's raised it's time to find a [00:03:00] better week because.

Now is the new game that the day now is done.

That is the perfect introduction for today. Everyone I'd like to introduce you. To our new friend Barry lane, you can find [email protected] where he sings and teaches kindness. And that is the subject for today. Barry is an amazing writer, musician. Publisher. Amazing human being were so fortunate to become friends with him.

Welcome to our friendly world, Barry. Welcome. Oh, thank you. It's so great to be here. I feel [00:04:00] really at home. You are at home. You're literally in our home, in our kitchen virtually, ironically, you're in your home. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so happy. You're here. I wanted to talk about kindness today and I looked up the roots of what kindness is.

I have some definitions that I've found. So check this out. Kindness. It's from the old English word. How would you pronounce that? Matt? Jacob and Jason is G E C Y N. The means kind nature, race related to kin. Family it's from the prodo Germanic. Coon does, is that how I would pronounce that map? What do you think?

Which means family race from PI roots? Jen, Jean, I'm sorry guys. I can't pronounce [00:05:00] things. English is not my first language. Either give birth begets with derivatives, referring to procreation and familial and tribal groups. Here's the other definition. It comes from the old, this is the etymology of kindness.

It comes from the old English and is constructed from the adjective kind. And the suffix ness kind comes from the middle English, kin old English. How do you pronounce that? And I was like genocide. She, and it meant it meant friendly. Well, disposed tender ness is announced suffix middle English ness and is used to denote a quality or state when attached to an adjective.

Right? So originally kindness, the old English man's nation. However, the meaning evolved during the 14th century to [00:06:00] mean noble deeds, courtesy. Quality or habit of being kind. It's interesting. It said nation, right? Yes. Don't we need that as well. Well, I think as just a citizen of the world, we need it.

Exactly. Thank you. That's really what I meant, Barry. Thank you. Because you are the leader of kindness. You are the ambassador of love. And kindness. We're so happy you're here. Thank you. Thank you. Where do we even start, Matt? I know let's. I'm sorry. I have a nugget now. It's not going to sound. It's not going to sound very kind, but bear with me back in Santa Monica nugget, nugget of wisdom from Santa Monica back in Santa Monica days.

I was a struggling artist. I had gotten off of a corporate job, as you all know, I've taught, I talk about it all the time and I was burnt out. So I started to serve coffee and I [00:07:00] lived for every dollar. Unfortunately, like I didn't have much money. So every dollar I made definitely went towards paying the bills.

I had no health insurance, none of that. I had a car. I had car insurance and on a good week, my budget would allow me $20 a food a week. Right. Like I had $20 to spend on food, but all the coffee you could drink. Right. Um, yeah, but I, wasn't not a coffee drinker. I still am not like one sip will make me the Sapper, but so one day, you know, Santa Monica is beautiful.

So everyone's trying to film there one day out of the blue. Our shift was our shift at the coffee shop was gone. We're like, what's happening. We're not working today. No one warned us that there would be a commercial photo shoot happening in the cafe. And so not only that, but the film crew came in and they towed all our cars.

[00:08:00] Um, now they had put signs up saying, Hey, we're going to shoot, but we didn't know where they were going to shoot, but you know, when they leave a sign there, you're not allowed to park there between those hours in the day, they say, but there was no sign where I parked my car. I can't believe I'm talking about us all over again.

Here we go. So what happened was they started shooting and it was directly underneath me. So my studio was directly on top of the coffee shop. Where they were doing the commercial shoot and you know, it's hardwood floors. And remember I told you guys, I can talk through the pipes, to my neighbors. So you hear everything right?

And so best believe they needed me to be quiet. Right. So what happened was I'm like, okay, I guess I'm not working today, which is a bummer because I really needed the 50 bucks I was going to make that day. And including that was including the tip. And so I walked to my car. My car is not there. Like, where is my car?

I started [00:09:00] to get panicky, like someone stole my car and I don't remember how, but I figured out they towed my car. So I walk all the way to city hall, which is down the street on main street, which is a walk. Right. Especially when you're nervous and you don't know, and you're just trying to run. I figured out that they had in fact towed my car.

I talked to the towing company. I don't know. How I figured that out, but I go to city hall. I'm like they towed my car. There was no sign, nothing. So they looked it up and they're like, and this is how like a tight knit community. It was, they're like fun. They're in the wrong. They did not. Your spot was not there.

Actually. They can get in big trouble. Your spot was not designated for towing. It was not. So you're on the right. So I go back. To my studio and they're shooting. And every time they said rolling, I would make a bunch of noise. I was fuming. I was so mad. I was so angry. I would stomp the floor. [00:10:00] I would hang out my window and there's the whole crew down there, you know, with all the mikes and all, everything that they have, all their gear and they would just ignore me, but they would have to start again because I made noise.

Right. I ruined their tape. I wrecked every take I could. And my friends started showing up because I was yelling so much and they were used to me always being very kind, right. I was always mellow and laughing and we played together all the time. They never saw me lose my temper. Until that day. And one of my friends later said, he's, he literally could.

And he was not, I mean, he was Catholic, so he was spiritual, but he was not like me, like, woo, woo. Spiritual, you know, like seeing auras and everything. He's like fun. I saw a red all around you. Like for real from the street I saw red around you. I'm like, yeah, you best believe I was angry. And so I was like telling the [00:11:00] director, you better pay for my toe.

I'm not paying $350. And that's re I can't, I can't, I don't have the money. And so all day, this went on and the, one of the managers of the building that I was friends with, he comes, he's like fun stop. I'm like, no, you stop. I want the, I need, this is ridiculous. So. This went on for hours until all of a sudden there are three people who show up in my studio and it was the, um, the assistants, the people who, who helped bring the coffees and, you know, the production assistance, right.

They showed up with a wad of cash and the most sincere look on their faces, like, and they said, we're so sorry for the behavior of our. Um, producer or a director, we're really sorry, please take this money. And I said, [00:12:00] thank you.

What does that have to do with kindness? Honestly? Sometimes we all need a little help. You know, I try to walk my talk, but I am human and I can lose it. If I'm in pain, I don't have the capacity. So do you to be kind to you when you've harmed me and. It's so great when we can give each other some Slack. So if you see someone in pain and perhaps you have less pain than they do, maybe you can step up and help them out with something that you can, if you look, you know, they clearly need.

So anyway, Pearl of wisdom from Santa Monica long about windy story, I hope that helps. I hope you will. Don't think less of me, but I can lose my temper. There you go. Okay. I'm done. Okay. Can I, can I tell a quick story? Okay. So [00:13:00] literally one of my favorite things to do or was, I suppose, was to go out for coffee and honestly, I'm very rude.

When I get coffee, I'm not very kind. You're a pointer. You're a close pointer pointer. God. And then I say stuff like, um, gimme, gimme, yes, give me a blah-blah-blah it's, you know, super grand day, blah, blah, blah. And every single time my wife smacks me just a little bit and says, honey, come on. Be kind. I'm like put you don't touch that.

You're too close to that donut. Like he'll put his finger all the way, almost like he's going to touch it. And as a germaphobe, even before the pandemic, I've always been like, Hey, this food shouldn't be out. Like it's in the. It's in the air. Like I don't like things need to be put away. And when people point and get, they get really close to something, it really freaks me out.

And, you know, traveling around the planet, you can always tell who the Americans are. You can always [00:14:00] tell us like you, we, we are like, it's just, they'll. They don't say, please. And thank you. Or may I, may I have, it's not your donut yet. Do you know? You have, until you pay for it. It's and it's in your hand, it's not yours and you don't say gimme.

Okay. Oh my God. I know. And honestly, that's one of the, that's one of the million things that I'm working on.

Okay. That's it. And actually there's, there's a coffee place was a coffee place where they actually recognize me. They could never remember my name, but they always recognize me because I was so Oh, nice. Really good job, honey. I try. But anyways, we're ignoring our guests Arland. I'm sorry. We're rude. I'm enjoying the conversation.

Thinking about things. We don't know. You have any stories of, uh, uh, kindness or unkindness as the case may be buried. Well, I'm just, I think just splits last week. Um, I had a [00:15:00] situation. I, I I've been delivering pies now. It's the first job I've had in 30 years. I actually worked for myself and, uh, it's really fun to be part of the workforce again, but, and I go to supermarkets and supermarkets can be very, um, They look all shiny and nice in the front, but in the back, they're like little dungeon and people work in there and I have all these I'm sure I'm going to write.

I'm the PI guy. I call myself the PI guy, you know, like I am the walrus. Supermarkets with these pies. And, um, the best supermarkets are the independently owned ones because you just walk good. Say, Hey, how are you? Oh, great. We're waiting for her. We love her. They signed the thing. But the fancy supermarkets, the ones that are owned by corporations.

They have these little guns and they have to beep in every pie and there's people called receivers and they can be, it's a very difficult job because [00:16:00] you imagine like three or four pallets of Pepsi coming in and. All these liquor bottles, and then this guy comes in with three and you have to stop what you're doing and go, okay.

Yeah. I'm going to say very difficult job. And I can think of one situation where there was this woman. And I had talked to her. Her name was Patty. I had talked to her like a month or two ago, just briefly. And she had told me she was going to have an operation on her. Needs. And you know how the car, when you get old, the cartilage sometimes goes into your knees and creases, great pain is like going on bone.

And she had to have a job in the dungeon doing that, where you have to walk to the door to let Liz or anything. They don't just have a door that you can walk in. A lot of times they have to be locked though with time. So it's like. The port call us, has the rays for the guy to come in with a one to Brad, you know?

Right. It's like, um, so she has to walk all the way over and back and we already do, and I got there and it's a grind. Sometimes I love the job. I [00:17:00] just listened to books all day, but I try to stop and connect and then I thought I should be connecting with people. I just had that thought, that little thought in your mind.

And I remembered, she had told me. Like weeks ago, just in passing that it was hard for her to get to the door because of her knees. And so I said, Patty, how when's the operation happened? Just like that. And I think she, um, she started almost crying and talked to me for about a half an hour, you know, about.

Yes. And I just listened to an insane, much just listened and nodded. And I realized that day that that was the work of that. I thought, I thought I was a pie man, but I was really something else, you know? And I think that. Many of us have jobs like that, not the job that you're doing is not the real job of our place here on earth.

Uh, it's a job of, um, that's like the, uh, the [00:18:00] surface, you know, underneath there is things in so many times I can think of moments like that, but it takes a little bit of pausing to get there and, and focusing out on them and not yourself. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. That's definitely one of the things I've discovered is if you actually pay attention to what people tell you, They're so grateful.

And if you actually then retain that information and make a comment about it later, like it can be as simple as remembering someone's birthday or making a promise to somebody that you're going to connect with them on such a, such a date and doing it. It's about showing that you're willing to go to the next level.

You're not just being there on the surface. You're you're, you're paying attention. You're connecting you're while you're attempting to connect to someone. In the good way, much as like I Quito. Cause we were talking about IQ earlier. Um, much as I Quito teaches us that a punch is a communication. So is listening and [00:19:00] communicating that that's what you're doing and it happens.

It's rare that it happens and that's how Matt and I became friends and I. Short after that totally fell in love with him because he was the only one that heard me. I feel like I, I was going through a live and no one heard me, no one listened to what I was saying, but Matt got every word and the meaning of what I was saying.

And that was love right there. You know what I mean? Beyond, beyond the physical, it was, that was the number one. That was the number one. And I think, yeah, I think it becomes a habit too. Uh, if you do it once, it's like pay it forward. You do it once. You know, this happens to me a lot. Like even it happens to me at toll booths where you can get to the tub with, instead of the person in front of you paid for you, they're like, Whoa, you want to like catch up with them to like, say thank you, whatever.

But it [00:20:00] happened to me in Starbucks, get this. I was driving. I don't even know how to get it. Don't you have to know what they're getting, but I think she asked what the guy behind her was getting. And, uh, you know, I have a friend named Tom and he's really fun to travel with Trump, gen ed say his last name because he'd loved me to, to immortalize him in this part, say his name again, what's his last name.

And he lives in Philadelphia now he's Quaker. And he, he did a lot of work at like Quaker retreat there and Pendle Hill. And he, um, He used to be the guy that cleaned the rooms and made the coffee and that kind of thing. And, um, so he and I took them on the road. I did three seminars on teaching writing, and I took them on the road with me and we, and we just, it was really fun.

Cause we're old friends, like 30, 40 year old friends, a friendship, but here we go, been in a hotel with Tom and you'd stop. So I'm going to be vacuuming and say, He'd walk up to him and say, stop. Did you turn off the vacuum for a second and turn off the vacuum kind of annoyed. And he, and he looked him right in the [00:21:00] eye and said, you know, I just want to tell you, you're doing an amazing job here.

You know, I've done this kind of work and no one ever, they just complain when something's wrong, but no one ever gets to tell you. So I don't want to tell you that. And people would week, literally week, uh, when. This happened and, and what a great, you know, so when you're traveling, I would tell them, you're not doing seminars, your doing, it's like a ministry, you know, it's like a ministry.

Yeah. I've absolutely known people like that. Yeah. They're, they're not a traditional kind of Holy man or mentor or, but you know, just the way they live is very, it humbles you a lot and teaches you a lot. And you know, what I think is. The other side of it. When you catch yourself, maybe looking at the trifle of what is happening, like you notice something in this person and then you may think to [00:22:00] yourself, Oh, well, I.

I don't know if it's a real thing when I just picked up, because it could happen in a split second. It's like a psychic thing. And most people don't believe they're a psychic. I think we're all interconnected and we're all intuitive. And then we're all picking up each other's feelings, emotions, and there are scientists who've been recording all this to prove that we are in fact totally connected.

By the heart by the electromagnetic field of the earth, the heart, our hearts are connected. So there's that, but most people don't believe that. But what I'm saying is when you see someone and you see a little twinkle or non twinkle in their eye, And you act on that thinking, Oh, if I act on that, I'm just making it up.

Like, I can't believe this is for real, like whatever I may have picked up. But if you do act on that and leave that aside, the surprise of having the [00:23:00] person becomes so emotional and so grateful for the fact that you picked up on whatever that travel was. When that happens, it's addictive. So you want to do it to everybody else.

Do you know what I mean, Matt, do you know what I mean? Very like you catch it and someone gets emotional. Like that's what you want to do it again. And that's kindness. That is that's where it can really transform the world if we all played like that. Yeah, no, no, no, no, absolutely. And I can see that as an evolutionary trade almost.

Because if you do a solid for someone in your quote unquote tribe, you know, you give them food when they're hungry, you, you give them medicine when they're sick, you know, that's going to increase your survivability as well, because then they're going to be able to take care of you when you know, and they're going to have a desire to do this when you're not at your best.

It was actually a study that was done at Harvard. I use this with kids. Sometimes if I have a story, this is kind of a [00:24:00] very trivial story, but even how you're in the line at the checkout at the grocery store. And you've got, you know, a wagon of things and there's some bird bite with like just the carton of milk or even just a couple of things.

And, and you say, you know, Oh, you go first and it's Josie starts. They also have chocolate at the checkout as impulse buys for people. And there's research that rats will forsake a chocolate to save a drowning rat, which I hate. The idea of this experiment, how they do it or whatever, but, but the idea is that evolutionarily, they sit there.

They're hardwired. To save to, to be kind to each other and the same part of your brain that likes chocolate, it lights up when the chocolate also lights up when you do a solid for someone like that. So I'd say the kids I got, you know, you can go first, you know, I'm getting my chocolate in a way. It's weird, but it's like, uh, [00:25:00] you know, and, and this woman went.

You're so kind. Yeah. It's kind of that wash a feeling of, yeah, this is why we're here. You know, why else are we here? What's the, what's the definition of insanity is somebody that can't connect with anybody, but. The demons in their mind, you know? Um, so how do you, um, escape that you focus on others? I had a friend who was feeling suicidal and depressed and he got some advice I forget from who, but they said that the best thing you can do is just spend your time doing stuff, volunteering, and doing stuff for other people.

So he started to go to. Uh, nursing home and reading poetry, reading to people and totally changed his outlook on life. You know, it probably still took some of the anti-depressant drugs, but it just helped him to re-center. I hear that. And [00:26:00] I have definitely been in situations where I felt like there's no hope.

And I recall like one of the last times I was feeling this way, it, it shook me too. I felt shattered. Like it shook me so much that I shattered everything that was about me. Like, I I've talked about this before, like Matt and I used to have a household that was zero waste. We were very gentle with the earth.

We, we were very careful about how we walked and when things got really bad for us, and we felt like we, we didn't have anyone helping us out at all. I was not in the state to help anyone else out. So like, if you're so low, You can't even muster up the energy to go help someone else. If you're feeling like that that's, I've been in that state.

So I can't imagine saying, [00:27:00] okay, I'm just going to go help someone else out when you're in dire need of emotional or kind help. I remember lashing out and I lashed out at the earth. I remember. So we didn't. We, we had lost our home. It was like after 2010, Matt, doesn't like to talk about this. I'm really sorry, honey.

I won't talk about it too much. I'll just say it was a really bad time. And I remember we had to go to the store to buy food and of course we didn't have a place to cook anything. So we had to buy a packaged food, which normally we would have never done because it has plastic. It has all this stuff that I didn't believe in.

Using, but I remember getting it and I remember it for me, this was like pretty defiant might not sound like that to anyone else, but I remember feeding the kids and we had [00:28:00] food and I was looking at the containers of plastic that were non-recyclable or even recyclable. And I was so angry then I just threw it in the trash and.

I w I was just cursing everything. Like I just threw it in the trash and w S thought if no one is helping us out, why am I even bothering? And I threw it in the trash and it took, it took a while to come back to center for myself and like, go back to the kindness. Right. But like, Barry, what do you do when you don't, you can't even muster up the energy to go help someone else when you're so down.

Well, one of the things that I do when I talk to kids about this is that it's really hard to know your higher self or to act, to be kind when somebody is being mean to you. That's like the gold standard of Christianity or any religion really is turning the [00:29:00] other cheek. It's not even just turning the other cheek.

It's actually, you know, uh, maybe it's more about, um, not taking someone's energy, but the Akido thing where you take. The energy of the world coming at you and, and doing something with it so that it doesn't, uh, escalate the conflict or whatever it is, the internal conflict or the external conflict. So one of the things I talk to kids about is to do that.

You have to be able to fight. Your happy place, that part inside your brain, where you can just take a deep breath. And kids are very wise about this. Even when they haven't had mindfulness training, they'll say things like you have to take a deep breath, you know, where you have to be able to punch a pillow or do something you need to find, take care of that part of yourself.

So you can find your happy place. There's a song I wrote. It goes like this. When you're feeling sad, getting scared and mad. Here's a place you can get there [00:30:00] in a moment. If you're only turn the key. So just close your eyes and forget the lie. Cheat. What's the story that you tell that your anger SES and you find a piece down inside your continence.

Well, find your happy place. Deep within your mind. Life is matter. Race. If every one is Chi, stay there for a while. A rainbow smile.

It gets me feeling seen to give everyone love. You're standing there snatches. They blow in the stars. Close. Just breathe in and out. You don't need to shout when you know that your [00:31:00] shadow loving, like trying to fight something might become the day. Find your happy place. Keep with the ear. My life is not a race.

Right. One is K. Stay that for Y grow. Uh, reading books

and winning, winning when it gets so hot. Oh, you can ask him why he's strong and draft here, guys. Keep brave enough and try

to find your happy place. Deep within your mind is not a race. [00:32:00] One is Chi stay for a while. A rainbow smile.

No.

Thank you. You know, it's um, I have so much to say about that. I'm sure you did too, but I'm going to just jump in there, Matt. We are not alone and I did feel alone. And when you're feeling alone, you feel like you are alone, but it is a lie because we're not because we are, it reminds me of your shirt, Sperry, you have a shirt that you wear and it says all one.

And then if you, and you said this on one of your TEDx talks, and then when we were, when we met for the first [00:33:00] time on zoom, you were wearing one of those shirts and it did the same thing. Like when you're in a certain position, the. The shirt creases in a way where it says alone. And then when you put your shoulders back, it says all one, like it happened when we were on zoom the other night.

It's so funny because really you're not alone because we are all one. So I liked the trick that your shirt plays on people. Yeah, I talk to kids about this. We talk about it, you know, the difference we'll usually give us a role-play where a student's having a bad day, kind of like you were describing before, where you just, you know, I'm going to buy the packaged, we're going to cold cuts in plastic today and throw it out the garbage and not recycle or whatever it is, you know, just kind of, uh, uh, Yeah, why bother?

And so you walk up to your friend, you can usually get a kindergartener to [00:34:00] come up back in the days before covert, I had these great super spreader events where I, and everybody 600 kids holding hands. And, you know, it was like a. Great. Thanks very much before the days of COVID. Hold on Barry before, please hold your thought because I forgot to mention guys, this is what Barry does.

He travels around all. Before COVID, but even he's doing it on zoom now, but he travels around his schools and spreads the message of kindness to children. Go on his website. Forcefield for good. And he talks about the force field and interconnecting and how we're all win, but it's really amazing the work he does and the songs you sing, it's all on your website.

Anyway. So this is what he does with kids. He goes to schools and they talk and teach and sing. And it's all kindness related. Okay. I'm sorry to interrupt. Go on Barry. Sorry. Oh, that's a great quote. I'm [00:35:00] glad you brought that up because a lot of schools, when they try to teach kindness, they kind of try to teach it in a very, almost totalitarian way.

Well, that's what schools do. Yeah, not getting in front of anti-bullying is a great example. So say what's kindness, not hitting, not bullying, what's bullying. Well, you know, and then what happens with anti building is everyone just keeps pointing fingers. Oh, you're a bully. Oh, he's bullying me. And it becomes not self-reflective, but like almost like a blame culture.

Uh, and uh, so one of the things I try to teach the kids. So we do this a little role play. So Amber comes up and she's got just kind of, um, she's having a bad day. We all pretend we cross our arms across our chest and we scratch up our face. When we talk about there's 43 muscles in your face that have to work in order to frown, but only 16 to smile.

Some of the research on that it's a little, sometimes it goes back and forth, but. [00:36:00] Roughly about that, that number. And so we practiced going her and then I have this drawing, uh, of all the children around the earth, holding hands and my daughter, Gracie drew. And, uh, we talk about that where you hold your arms out, connect with each other and hold hands.

It's like, ah, sorry. Ah, and we practice doing that. So, so Amber says she's having a bad day. I walk up to her say, Hey, I'm ready. Are you doing? And she looks at me. And because she's having a bad day, not because she's a bully or a mean person or whatever, anything just because she's not feeling well. She looks at, she says, I don't like your shoots.

You know, she says something that just a judgment or something near, and, and then I turned to the 600 kids that are sitting there and I say, what, what can I say back to her when she says that to me? Cause I, you know, immediately I kind to act like. Like you're being injured, you know, he says, that's the moment.

That's the moment we've been talking about the moment [00:37:00] where somebody is, you know, happened to me the other day in the supermarket. This truck driver came in. I was on the phone. Talk to me about the guy to fix my snowblower while I was going delivering pies. And this guy keeps us where's the pie guy walks in and he's got this hat on and I go.

And for some reason I said to him, Oh, do you like our pots? And he says, you're parked your van where the truck needs to go. And he's a guy from Boston and he's, he's really being rude to me. And like, uh, you know, he's like really angry, but he won't look at me, you know, and as we're walking back out and I'm going to move the van right away, and then I did the Akido thing, right.

Oh yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to do that and that'd be good. And he turned to me and says, you know, I don't like your pies either. But you know, that the thing about meanness is it was harder for him to muster up. He had to say something else, but he couldn't think of anything else. So we had to integrate, [00:38:00] it was like, it was like a moment where anyways, so then I came to the group of kids and I'll say, you know, what do I say back there?

And in some cultures, it's interesting, these little tiny rural schools, like in Wyoming, sometimes kids know it. Because they've got grandmothers, I've got a culture of it, but usually they'll say things like you could say, I don't like re-issues either, or they'll say, or they'll say things like, um, you could say, Oh, I like your shoes.

You may say, well, let me take the kids. What if I were to ask her question and that's the, the moment I'm looking for? And if it's a good moment, there's usually a pause there and then somebody will put their hand up and I can tell just by the look in their odd. That they have the answer, the questions that, and they'll say, well, why did you say that?

Which is the simplest non-judgment question. Really? It's not like, why don't you just, why did you say that to me? And at that point, [00:39:00] well, Amber can say I'm having a bad day. Right? And then the whole class can say, it's what I do with the 600 kids. I'm sorry, you're having a bad day. And that moment there's connection.

There's like, there's there's contact. And, um, and to me, what the problem with punishing kids for not being kind or even rewarding kids for being caught, which is, to me, that's kind of absurd in a way you get a pencil. Because, you know, you're, we're kindness week, you know, it, kindness is its own reward and it cheapens, it almost makes it like, it's like, I don't need the chocolate from in the checkout line at the supermarket, you know, I all needs the kindness.

I don't need the chocolate. That's like too rich. Um, but, but that's, that's kind of what I do. I want kids to be able to practice. Kindness and not feel like they're failures because they bought something that they threw and they threw a bit in recycle or whatever it is, [00:40:00] whatever that, uh, bar of perfection that we set for some.

And one of the problems with schools today, I can go on. A lot of, this has to be a whole podcast is that they try to make. Determination into a virtue, you know, there, you know, or that somehow you have to be this Uber Manch, this perfect person to be, you know, successful in life. And, uh, they have quotes from like Wayne Gretzky.

You know, you get, you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take, you know, you know, I'm like, what, why don't you share the puck once in awhile, Wayne, you know, You know, there are things, there are different ways of looking at those quotes, Ruth, you know, you can't lose if you'd ever give up, maybe it's good to give up.

Especially if you're doing something that's not good, you know, for people or hurtful to people in the world. And so, you know, there's kind of a, a human dignity and integrity that, um, I think we need to teach along with kind of [00:41:00] the, why. It's not just the word of kindness. The why of kindness is, uh, yeah, no, no, no, no.

I totally agree. Something. My wife says is hurt people hurt. And in your earlier example with Amber and the role playing. You know, from an acute point of view, she's got so much, let's call it red energy after, you know, Aras, but very angry energy and asking a question, all of a sudden you're engaging a different part of their brain.

They're you're not engaging that I'm mad at everything kind of phase you're you're you're getting into maybe a higher brain function of huh? If you can get there, sometimes you can't, sometimes people are seeing red and then they've got the wall up. But as soon as you break them into a, I'm going to deal with you almost like a parent, we talked about how to be a good host, how to be a parent.

And you know, you're almost teaching the child to be that nurturing force, you know, in that, in that. W why are you being [00:42:00] so mean? Why are you making comments about my shoes? They're not, you're not. You know, it's like, it's like, you're not admitting weakness. You're not admitting that your shoes are, are ugly.

What you're, what you're getting to is explain this to me. I want to know what you're thinking. And all of a sudden now on some level that kindness is validating that person as a person. Because sometimes when we're so angry, we feel ignored. We feel disrespected. We feel all these kinds of disks and, and all sorts of things like trash.

And somebody is saying, Hey, I see you. Hey, I see you over there. And I want to connect with you. Even if you're giving me all this like static and all this, I still want to connect with you. You know, one of my, one of my core fundamental beliefs is that. Everybody has an interesting story. And, you know, I like digging for that.

And so even if someone is mean to me, I still want to find out what that interesting story is. They have to tell, and I don't care [00:43:00] how, you know, how on the surface boring or how different someone is from me. You know, they have that story, you know, I've got those stories, but everybody has that story where you're just like, wow, Yeah.

Yeah. Very way. That is like that another life before COVID I did a lot of plane travel, you know, I don't know if you've ever been in an airport and seen scenes where businessmen get angry at the gate attended because it's snowing, you know, like the, the United airlines seeded the clouds to create it's like, so there's this guy and it was in New Jersey and he was like, really.

Being a bully. You know, he, I mean, he made one of the gate attendants cry and he, they got the supervisor gate attendant to come over and she also just try to. Appease him and he put it with, but no eye contact, just kind of looking away and just trying to say, well, I can't do anything about the weather, sir.

Of [00:44:00] course we get on this little tiny plate and he's sitting right next to them. Oh yeah. Like gold chains, all these like nice and every, I can't believe the Sarah line, you know, I'm not going to get to Cleveland. You know, in time for my meeting or whatever, and we're talking, and finally he like grabs the, the flight attendant.

You literally reached for it and grabbed it. And she kind of looked at him and she looked at him in the eye and he starts to give a spiel, whatever you know about how, you know, the world is not cooperating with his plans basically. And she bless her heart. She, what she does is she gets down to his level.

She literally kneels down. Puts her hand on his hand, looks him right in the eye and says, it's going to be okay. And he just melted. It was amazing. He just like turned to, to melted butter. It's just, and it was like, Oh, you wanted was this mommy? Oh my [00:45:00] God, Barry. That's what we talk about all the time. When you get into situations like that, no matter what, you have to become a parental figure because that's what everyone needs.

And that's why that's the big reason. One of the big reasons I wanted you to talk with us today because. It's not just for children, we're all children. We all need that. And most of us have not had that from parents and we need to constantly parent each other. What's the word for it? I don't know. Abs absolutely.

We constantly need to empathize. I mean, it's all these kinds of words, like empathize and, um, you know, uh, parent are care, friends care show that we care. Right. I mean, a simple glance, a simple kind, not stare was the opposite of stairs. You know, when you look at someone with kind soft eyes, that's enough.

Sometimes most of the time. Right. What you see [00:46:00] now? I don't know if our audience knows this, but my hair is long now. It used to be super well. It used to be super, super long. It used to be super long. Yeah. And I would walk around in my, you know, my heavy metal t-shirts and whatever. And anytime I saw another guy with long hair, just always there's there's the, there's a, Hey, there's that?

There's that lift of the eyes. And there's that acknowledgement that, Hey, I see you. And what's so funny is we became friends with this other couple due to that, you know, because we kept, I kept seeing him and I kept saying, Hey, what's up? Yeah. You know, what's interesting, honey. Like any, when I was little, like four or five years old, there were not very many people like us in the neighborhood and I could spot another.

Middle Eastern person from a mile away. And I would start yelling Santa from far away and my parents would kind of panic because, you know, um, [00:47:00] Immigrants were not totally liked. So like, please don't cause attention to come at us more than we normally get. Right. But I would yell and I could see this trepidation on the other person's body.

Like they were far enough where I couldn't really see their faces, but I knew they were Persian. Right. And I could see that they were shocked. Like, Oh my God, what do I, how do I respond to this? And as we got closer, there would be this smile, but you don't want to be, I forgot what I was saying, but anyway, That was my introduction.

Well, no, that's not long knowledging that people exist. It's you know, and it it's the whole, you remember on, uh, on Bainbridge, how people would just jam in the door before you. Oh my God, what is going on? Okay. So we lived in this area. I think we talk about this. I talk about this on our show, on the mentor show.

The very, very first show. When we started to notice something is happening to our society on a rapid scale, like time is moving [00:48:00] much faster and the anger is bubbling and the unkindness seems to be on, on the uptake wherever we went, we would open the door and. You know, there was someone right behind us.

So we would hold the door open for them and let them go in first. And they would not even look at us and assume that all day, every day, that was our job is to open the door for them and let them go ahead of us. And it would make me so angry and I became very unkind because then I would follow them into the coffee shop.

And I started like a mad person, like, you know, some of our friends in Santa Monica, Right. That needed help. I became one of them. Cause I started just out loud saying I do not understand you people, what? I'm not here to open the door for you. And I dunno, what would I say? I would go on a, I would go on a tirade [00:49:00] about.

Uh, you would, you would be like, it wouldn't be nice if people said thank you and right, and all the rest, but I to scold them, but we just identified something between you and me. I look at guys in the, I would look at, you know, gentlemen with long hair and I would nod. I was always eye contact. This guy wouldn't look at you.

And exactly. And the same thing with the plane, you know, he wasn't, he wasn't looking at the, uh, he wasn't looking at the, uh, yeah, it's the wall. When you think about it, it's the wall people to maintain, Hey, you need the wall. Um, you need to be able to, to not see the map, see the other person. Okay. You know what else it is?

My personal theory is when you connect eyes, you see each other's souls. You see far beyond what is there. And like, let's say you're walking down the street and there's a homeless person in trouble, and they're asking for money very rarely. Do people [00:50:00] have eye contact with the people on the sidewalk that are sitting down and dire need?

Why is that if we have eye contact, we connect immediately and they don't want that connection. That connection seems very scary. It can lead you to an unknown area of trauma that you don't want to revisit. Right? The glances, a very interesting, profound healing mechanism. It is, but it doesn't always have to be the glance because, um, uh, I remember in Santa Monica, I had somebody, you know, who was, who, who needed money.

And he asked me a question. He didn't say, Hey, can you, can you give me money? He asked me a question that made me stop. And that made me, are you talking about our friend or somebody else? No, this is a totally different one. But what did he ask you? I don't remember. It was a silly, it was like this word trick.

And he was like, I can tell you the day you were born or something. I don't remember. It was just, it was bizarre. [00:51:00] But it was my birthday that week. And so it was very confusing to me and it was confusing to him. And, but anyways, but that's just it, as soon as he took it away from, I guess the norm, which is let me, you know, let me.

Put up my wall. Let me just ignore you. Let me just treat you the way that I guess is maybe societaly okay. It's it's okay for me to ignore somebody opening the door for me, because if I'm kind, then, you know, I can't get my coffee and leave this place in two minutes or make my meeting or I can't, or I can't, or I can't.

And there's so much of this can't as opposed to, you know, really looking at. Um, you know, every interaction with people as, as an event, as a celebration as, as, uh, something bigger. Yeah. Did it experienced back in 1998? That was really kind of life-changing and I, um, I got to go to South Africa with, um, a delegation of teachers to do workshops for teachers [00:52:00] on writing and Google aid to in Cape town, which is, that was part of the Amy Biehl foundation, which is a story in itself.

This, uh, Amy Beal was a graduate student who was murdered, uh, in a tragic race riot. Uh, she was sitting from the U S she went to Stanford, I think. Can. Uh, whenever, but the, the FA her parents, when she died, when she was killed, instead of they were wealthy Californian people, instead of, um, being angry and just showing rage, they actually continued her work.

They went over there and asked the question, why did this happen? And how can we help? And which was in itself, they weren't. Christian or even religious people, but they just ask those questions out of pure, like humanity, whatever. And they found that this foundation that's a long story about it, but to make a long story short, I gone over there and done a workshop for two weeks in a very white enclave.

It may take all these people out of the [00:53:00] slums and the kind of the worst places and they get to stay at these luxury resort. And we did these workshops. Um, um, teaching, um, in a better way, I should put it that way co-operative way, um, as, as opposed to having kids in rows and desks and so forth and looking at one teacher, uh, but to learning to work together and that kind of thing.

And, um, but after the workshop I was on this kind of level, a lot of things happen and we'll go into it. But what was on this level where, when I saw somebody else's pain, I felt it. It was, mine was weird. It was a weird kind of field. I gave away all my clothes of my underwear, everything, and they just gave away everything to the people that were working at the resort.

And then when we came back, we're on this little van and there wonderful teachers with me, but they were going to do some shopping in the market there, which is okay, but I could not walk past this woman and this little girl, she had a styrofoam cup. She was chewing on the edge of the cup and a baby, his [00:54:00] woman holding a baby.

So I said, you know what? Come on in with me, we'll have lunch at the holiday at, so we came in, uh, invited them in and, um, I bought them lunch and we just talked for an hour or so. And, uh, she told me the story, how her husband had died. Uh, just, uh, on a trend, there was all these accidents that w w what happened in Google late too, is they had the slums w if you go up above the city, you can see where all the people are living, but there's hardly any electricity.

And everyone has to go into town to make money. So it was very, uh, difficult, uh, life for people. And her husband had many people die in auto accidents, just cramming into these little Volkswagen vans going back and forth. And, uh, and she had lost her husband and you know, her a little girl was named June and we just talked and in the restaurant, the people were giving really weird.

Looks like these people aren't supposed to be in the holiday Inn. Restaurant, you know, it's [00:55:00] like very, um, it was like, these are not, these are non people you're eating with, you know? And, uh, it was very, uh, it felt very powerful just to do that, but it also felt like why I could not physically not do that.

It was like one of those feelings of. Um, just being at that level, like right now, I'm looking at you. I can see the stuff behind you. What if it was just stars in space? You know what I mean? It's like that we're here and he asked, you would ask the question, why are we here? You know? And that kind of like, was that, you know, could you, when you think about it, can you walk by that homeless person, uh, every day and not realize the gift it would be to.

To, to, to be able to help them somehow, although it's not always that simple. Of course. Yeah. And yet it is, it is that simple. It's just a human touch. [00:56:00] It's putting your hand on someone else's hand, it's having a kind glance. It's just seeing someone, just seeing them even saying I see you. Hi, that makes a.

World of difference and that will change everything. And I think, I think it was more than the money. Yeah. It was more than money or food. It was that. Yeah. Yeah. It's an, uh, it's, uh, an inter interaction. It's a, an exchange of energy and someone needs that. Like I was saying, When someone is really down, they don't have the ability or the capability to help someone else because they need help.

And that exchange give someone energy to be able to go on and then eventually help someone else out. Um, I have to. [00:57:00] I have to wrap it up. I know, but there's so much to talk about Barry. You know, it was a wondering, there's so much to talk about. First of all, the fact that you're. You're you're delivering pies.

Matt and I always talk about pastries will. The pastry is, is the answer to world peace. Uh, and I always say, when you end up, it doesn't matter what country you're in. It could be at the United nations and. You have all the world leaders there. If someone walks into a hot room where there's arguments, if someone walks in with a pastry box, I don't care.

Everyone knows what's in the box. Know, well, everyone has an inkling of what's in the box and everybody stops and gets happy and they want to know, is that eclairs? Is that donuts? Nice cheese. So Barry it's beef fitting that you're delivering world peace. You're doing pastries and [00:58:00] I was to be here. Will you please come back with us and continue the conversation?

And can you, can you send us off with another song, the song, um, it's called old to other and it's about, uh, this is my favorite. Yeah. It was started as a poem. And then I wrote it as a song, but it's really about how you began, where I add. That's why I call you my friend.

Track 2: [00:58:33] Without plaque. No way without day, no night, but that's sad. No glad without good. No fan without time. No late, without a love. No hate for the teas. No joy without girls. No. Boys. You begin where I am. [00:59:00] That's why I call you. My friend maybe is different as a land and sea.

With me without where? No. Y without clouds, no sky without not knowing without fear. No hope without stay. No go without fans. No slow without green, no blue without me. No, you begin where I am and that's why I call you. My friend maybe is different as a land and sea.

Me, but don't know where we're going to [01:00:00] just know where are we? He don't believe he and the differences

to make 'em man without like no black without Fred, no back. No without no new without sun lower without death. No, but that's a new space without smile, low faith. You begin where I am. That's why I call you. My friend maybe is different as a land.

Maybe is different.

[01:01:00] Track 3: [01:01:13] Thank you, Barry. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone. Thank you for this beautiful circle of friendship and should anyone need any, anything, please reach out to us and we love you. We love you, Barry. Thank you so much. Any parting words before we say, talk to you today. Um, what's Barry's website again, force, field for good.com.

Forcefield for good.com. Sounds like

the force field force field. [01:02:00] All right, well, we'll talk to you in a few days. Everybody be well, see you later.