Hypergrowth Mode Within Friendships and Relationships

What is Hypergrowth Mode in Friendship? What happens if someone's not growing and you've grown or you are not growing and the other person has grown; if you have an open mind about it, you can still connect and be together. But that's where you can't be so locked into certain belief systems. So if, let's say you've grown so much and you come back. . I'm like, what happened? And you tell me your experience, then if I'm totally open to also acquiring that growth at that precise moment because of your growth, if I'm totally openhearted about it, I think that that's what keeps a true friendship going.

Have you noticed it's gotten easier or harder as time goes by to actually keep in touch with these people who are on either side of it? In this episode, we discuss what happens when people you know who are going through hypergrowth, or if you're going through hypergrowth, these people who are not, can lead to a breakup; which may lead us back to another topic from last week (we did talk about), which was social comparison theory, where somebody's leaving your peer group.

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Hypergrowth Mode TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:00] FAWN: Hi everybody. Welcome back. We have no idea what we're gonna talk about. Oh, we don't do we? Aww. What is going on? Hi everybody. Hope you're well. Love you. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in. What's going on Matt?

[00:00:15] MATT: What's on your mind? Okay, here we go. So, back in college I noticed a phenomenon, phenomenon,

[00:00:23] MATT: Anyways, uh, it was the most fascinating thing. There would be a girl, woman just starting college. She left her boyfriend back at home, wherever home was, and like clockwork, you could watch this happen. And I watched this happen six or seven times, actually over the course of my four years at university.

[00:00:45] MATT: You know, they would tell you how in love they were and how they'd been together for however long it was. In some case it was years and then Thanksgiving, they'd have an argument and it would end on a bad note. Christmas, they'd break up like clockwork. Why do you think that is? And it was literally like clockwork.

[00:01:09] MATT: It wasn't.

[00:01:11] FAWN: Well, I have found that when you start a fight or you start an argument or you get into an argument, I think it's one's way of ending the relationship when you know it's come to its close,

[00:01:24] MATT: but why has it come

[00:01:25] MATT: to its close?

[00:01:26] FAWN: You can just feel it. I don't know. You've grown, you've grown.

[00:01:29] MATT: It was literally like clockwork and it was literally a hundred percent of the women poled.

[00:01:36] FAWN: poled, like you poled them.

[00:01:37] MATT: Well, like they

[00:01:38] MATT: would tell me how they had a boyfriend at home and they were all in love with them and, and I would just watch this transpire. I wouldn't say anything.

[00:01:45] MATT: Well, you're at

[00:01:46] FAWN: university, so you're, your windows are Thanksgiving and Christmas because those are the times that you are kicked out of university and forced to go back home, right back to where you came from.

[00:01:57] MATT: Okay.

[00:01:58] FAWN: So those are the windows of opportunity to connect and reconnect. And those are the times where you would have to do your business.

[00:02:07] MATT: Absolutely.

[00:02:07] FAWN: If that business is breaking up, that's when you do it.

[00:02:10] MATT: But why break up? You're all in love with them. Like literally we would start school September, so September to October.

[00:02:16] MATT: Okay. Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving is in, is in, uh, November. All right. So September to November.

[00:02:22] FAWN: Okay. So I was in a relationship mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . And it was not good at all, right? It was very, very, very bad. Mm. As I'm saying this, the sirens are outside Dope . It was bad. And I had a friend who was like, why, Fawn, are you in this thing?

[00:02:42] FAWN: Right? I said, because I love him.

[00:02:45] MATT: That's always the reason isn't.

[00:02:46] FAWN: And then there was a movie about Tina Turner, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" And he quoted that movie to me. He's like, Fawn, what does love got to do with it. Love has nothing to do with it. That's why.

[00:02:59] MATT: Right. And, and I hear you and I, I absolutely, yes.

[00:03:02] MATT: In the case where love has run its course or there's an abusive relationship, having that opportunity going to university, stepping out of that relationship for X number of months, absolutely. But this was a hundred percent a cases. This wasn't

[00:03:19] FAWN: statistical. I don't understand your question. My, my thing is, my answer is I'm probably misunderstanding you.

[00:03:26] FAWN: You can still love each other, but you are walking different paths. Now, it doesn't mean you're in an abusive relationship,

[00:03:34] MATT: and that is wholly different right there.

[00:03:36] FAWN: What I'm saying is love has nothing to do with it. You can still love the person, but if you're walking in different directions, that's what it is and you know that and it happens.

[00:03:46] FAWN: People grow. People grow differently and they, they grow at a different pace,

[00:03:50] MATT: different times and Exactly. Ex see, steal my thunder woman.

[00:03:54] FAWN: Did I steal your thunder?

[00:03:55] MATT: You did. Oh, I used to call it hyper growth. I would say that in this case, the girl was in hyper growth mode. You go to university, you're in a new town.

[00:04:04] MATT: You are studying new things. You're meeting new people, you're having new experiences. Meanwhile, this person, this boyfriend, you've left at home is not experiencing the same level of growth they may be experiencing growth, yes, but it's not this kind of hyper growth that you encounter when you go to Uni.

[00:04:26] FAWN: And then there's this phenomenon, what is the word? Phenomena or phenomenon? What is the word exactly? I

[00:04:32] MATT: think, I think phenomena is kind of the plural of phenomenon is the singular, but I think we have to look, tend to be used interchangeably. So

[00:04:41] FAWN: I don't know. I don't even know how to spell it. So what I'm saying is, what was I saying?

[00:04:45] FAWN: What am I thinking? What I'm saying is that, what was I thinking?

[00:04:49] FAWN: I think that if it's true love, even with true love, you may still have instances where you have to have separation until the timing is correct. Mm-hmm. that particular situation or people,

[00:05:08] FAWN: but like, If someone's not growing and you've grown or you are not growing and the other person has grown, if you have an open mind about it, you can still connect and be together. But that's where you can't be so locked into certain belief systems. So if, let's say you've grown so much and you come back. . I'm like, what happened?

[00:05:36] FAWN: And you're, you tell me your experience. Mm-hmm. , then if I'm totally open to also acquiring that growth at that precise moment because of your growth. If I'm totally openhearted about it. Mm-hmm. , I think that that's what keeps a true friendship going or relationship. Either way, it's the same thing.

[00:05:57] FAWN: Relationship, friendship. Right. Romantic.

[00:06:01] MATT: Platonic, this is, this is definitely one of those areas that those tend to blur.

[00:06:05] FAWN: Absolutely. Well, I mean, like, let's say someone, let's say I only bake chocolate chip cookies a certain way, and it's a certain flavor with like, I don't know, maybe it's that, vanilla tasting chocolate chip cookie, right?

[00:06:21] FAWN: And then my best friend comes back from some other country and says, oh look, this is now how I'm doing the chocolate chip cookie. I'm putting in rosemary and garlic into it. Ooh. You can say, Ooh and separate, or you can say, whoa, let me try that . Right. You know

[00:06:41] MATT: what I'm saying? Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and it's a difficult thing to figure out how to communicate this.

[00:06:49] MATT: Um, Really gauging the person's receptivity because in point of fact, the couple of times that I really started thinking about this particular subject, I would ask the girl, um, well, why'd you guys have a fight during Thanksgiving? And invariably she would say something like, it just seems like he's just stuck in doing the things.

[00:07:13] MATT: You know, we, it was like we just did the things we used to do, but it didn't feel.

[00:07:18] MATT: The same.

[00:07:18] FAWN: And it happens, I think because they've had perspective, they've had time away, they've seen other things. So you have a different point of view. So when you come back to where you were, you're like, I don't like this view anymore.

[00:07:32] FAWN: This view doesn't suit me anymore. Looking at life at this perspective. Right. And And if the other person doesn't wanna have another point of view mm-hmm. , then there's a problem. Well, but there's no problem if they do or if they're open to it. Who? Okay. What

[00:07:48] MATT: can't get a word in edgewise. Also at

[00:07:51] MATT: 18, 19, you are not, I don't think that the, the women involved in my, uh, unscientific study, uh, had the vocabulary with which to express that kind of stuff.

[00:08:04] FAWN: What stuff? Well, like, you know, maybe we should do such and such, or, you know, well, I don't think these are the things I've experienced. Well, yeah, no, it's

[00:08:12] FAWN: not your job. You said communicate and it's, no, it's not about communication. I, I just think it's about, it's

[00:08:18] MATT: about communicating and sharing those, those

[00:08:20] FAWN: things.

[00:08:20] FAWN: Well, no, it's about feeling open, having an open outlook. It's not about communicating, it's about being open to.

[00:08:27] MATT: Yes, but I honestly think the majority of times the guys probably would've been open to it, but it didn't transpire because it wasn't brought forth by the other party. Well, Yeah, because they go through, you go through so many changes, it's hard to articulate them all.

[00:08:44] MATT: So what? The

[00:08:44] FAWN: question is,

[00:08:46] MATT: what do 19, you don't have the vocabulary to articulate

[00:08:49] FAWN: them all. You know what, it's not about that age. It's about most people don't have the vocabulary to do anything. We just had an argument today about that used certain words. I'm like, might you can't use those words. You know, like it sounded terrible.

[00:09:02] FAWN: He's like, well, what do you want me to do? I'm like, well, you should use this other word instead. It would've changed the whole feeling of what you said. You said, why did you sit on my couch, , or something like that. I'm like, instead of my should have been our couch. What do you mean your couch? You know what I'm saying?

[00:09:23] FAWN: It's our couch. Whatever. So why did you

[00:09:26] MATT: sit on our couch? That doesn't sound, and, and, and I don't wanna get back into this though, cause I'm gonna get in

[00:09:32] FAWN: trouble. I'm just saying one word can change everything. So now I forgot what we were talking about. .

[00:09:39] MATT: It's, it's hard to articulate when you go through a period of hyper growth, it's hard to articulate.

[00:09:43] MATT: Yeah. All the things

[00:09:44] FAWN: that you're growing. I wouldn't put it on an age group. I would say as a human being, it's hard to articulate.

[00:09:49] MATT: Yes. But as you grow older and more experienced, it's easier.

[00:09:54] FAWN: I disagree.

[00:09:55] MATT: To articulate the changes you go through. Oh

[00:09:58] FAWN: my God, Matt, I so disagree.

[00:09:59] MATT: I said, I said I didn't

[00:10:00] FAWN: say easy.

[00:10:01] FAWN: I said easy. I don't know. I've been thinking about this a lot lately in that I feel like as, as we grow older, we have more responsibilities. There's so much that is asking for attention that it's harder to communicate as we get older because there's literally so much to think about that when something comes up, you don't have the capacity to discuss that one thing because as you're experiencing this one thing, 10 other things are happening at the same time and you're exhausted.

[00:10:36] FAWN: So I think. Uh, communication at all times is difficult. You could say, oh, well, we don't have the vocabulary for it because this age group doesn't have the vocabulary. You could say, this age group doesn't have the experience, and therefore they don't have the vocabulary because they don't have the experience.

[00:10:55] FAWN: But you can also say, because there's so much experience happening, you don't have the capacity, right? So there's always

[00:11:01] MATT: something going on. You could say that. Having now gone through multiple moves , I am more able to keep in touch and keep connected to people from previous destinations because I've learned good ways of trying to make that stuff happen and trying to keep those relationships together.

[00:11:21] MATT: I have a better vocabulary, I have a better understanding, and I understand a different pace and tempo for the whole thing.

[00:11:26] FAWN: You've had some repetition.

[00:11:28] MATT: I've had repetition. You've had practice. I've gained through experience from practice. Yes. And again, welcome to the world of not experienced, haven't been through it, so agree to disagree.

[00:11:42] MATT: So anyways, but my, my, here's, here's, here's my other thing is, and another thing, I wonder how prevalent it is now because communication is so much more kind of permeating our existence. And so it's easier to stay in much more constant contact with people. ,

[00:11:59] FAWN: but because there's so much, it's just as hard. Well, because there are a lot more people to, uh, to remain in contact with.

[00:12:07] FAWN: That

[00:12:08] MATT: is true. But if this is your sweet Babu

[00:12:13] MATT: to quote, uh, Sally from Peanuts, I don't know, Matt. I know it's a,

[00:12:20] FAWN: it's a sticky, tricky, honestly, life is an ever flowing mix of everything, so I don't know. I know. Me neither. Who I don't even know anymore. Well, ,

[00:12:31] MATT: shall we post it as an open question to our, our listeners?

[00:12:35] FAWN: What's the question again?

[00:12:37] MATT: First of all, have you ever seen this phenomena that I'm describing?

[00:12:40] MATT: And secondly, you know, have you noticed it's gotten easier or harder as time goes by to actually keep in touch with these people who are e E either side of it, these people who you know who are going through hyper growth, or these people, or if you're going through hyper growth, these people who are not which, that may lead us back to another topic we did talk about, which was social comparison theory.

[00:13:03] MATT: Somebody leaving your peer group.

[00:13:06] FAWN: I can barely keep up with myself sometimes, Matt, as what was happening lately? I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't know. All right. What do you think? I don't know. Do you know?

[00:13:20] MATT: I think I want try those chocolate chip cookies with the, uh, with the

[00:13:23] FAWN: rosemary and garlic? Yes. No, Rosemary.

[00:13:25] MATT: Oh, it's rosemary.

[00:13:26] MATT: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:13:28] FAWN: Like something totally different. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Okay, let's try it. All right. Good for you. Good for you. Trying new things, . All right. We'll talk to you in a few days, okay? Okay. Bye guys. See you soon.