"Embracing the Enchanted Stranger"

Enchanted Stranger Fawn: [00:00:00] Welcome back to our friendly world, everybody. Hello, everybody. I've said this MATT: before. Fawn: And I'll say it again. And I'll say it again. Every meeting is destined and has influence on us. Every meeting I'm talking about, you're walking on the sidewalk, on a busy street, and someone passes by, like, you know, you cross each other's paths for a split second. That is a destined meeting. There's like MATT: hundreds of those every day. Exactly. For me. Fawn: Exactly. MATT: And that's not even Fawn: talking about anybody else. So I'm saying every meeting is destined and has influence on us. It changes us in ways we may not even recognize, but it does happen. That's my belief. I feel like it's so important to come into the present time, to feel the power of the present. And have the capacity to appreciate someone. To look carefully at [00:01:00] who you're looking at and identify our past hurts. Some people are a mirror to the past pain that we have. And what if we can clear, wipe the mirror to just see the person And not our past. Okay, so I was talking to Farnoosh. Hello We've been talking a lot on the phone lately, thank goodness Saved my life guys saving my life talking to friends Talking to Farnoosh in particular So anyway, I feel like lately To have just privacy not that Okay, I was, I was, I'm skipping ahead. So when, lately, when I talk to Farnoosh, I go into a private space. So that no one can hear me. It's not that I'm, saying anything secret or anything like that. I think being a mom we live in a tiny house and, we're always in each other's business, [00:02:00] businesses. House isn't that tiny. Okay. It's a tiny house. Anyway, so what I'm saying is that sometimes you just want a cocoon or Sanctuary. Sacred space. Sacred space. Thank you. Perfect description. Sacred space. So I'll take it where I can get it. So like sometimes I go into my voice booth, Where I record. Or I'll go in the car and just sit there and talk. Or I can't even really go on a walk because you never know who's like jogging behind you. That is true, right? So a couple days ago we were talking I had the earbuds in my ear where i'm talking to Farnoosh on the phone And i'm walking in our yard i'm facing the house. My back is to the street, I'm in our yard and someone's like saying something, but I, I don't turn around because I figure it's one of the neighbors talking to another or asking a neighbor something. And plus I was in such a deep conversation with Farnoosh that [00:03:00] I didn't want to turn around. But something made me turn around and I see this woman standing in our walkway. And I felt annoyed immediately because the look on her face triggered me. it's so funny because Farnoosh was on the other end, you could hear everything. And so she, Farnoosh was saying, she's not yelling at you. She knows me so well because I was like, Immediately. What's MATT: this witch with a B Fawn: doing? Like, what do you want from me? Why are you yelling at me? Is what I was thinking. I was just like here comes, again, it's my own past trauma and this is what Farnoosh pointed out. She's like, it's your past trauma. This lady was not yelling at you. She's not yelling at you. I'm so used to, given our history, like all the places we've lived. The way I get treated by people, So, now, I think a part of me wants to be on guard and ready to attack like an attack dog. Like, start growling immediately instead of like, [00:04:00] I don't know, a year in? And when I'm alone in the shower and I have Tourette's all of a sudden? Like, you know, like, I want to say all the things I should have said on the spot that I didn't? You know? so anyway, this person was asking me, was telling me what street this was. And I'm like, no, this is this street. And I was telling her what street. And she kept repeating the name of the street she's looking for. But she was saying, no, this is this street. I'm like, no, this is this street. Anyway, we were going back and forth and Farnoosh was like, you know what? Even I had trouble hearing what you were saying. Like what street you were saying it was. Like I even like misheard it. So she's not yelling at you. She's confused. And I had to calm myself down and remember that I was in a safe place, that this person means no harm. And so Farnoosh, being the beautiful, wise, spiritual person that she is, was like, listen, [00:05:00] she's lost. Mind you, we had already straightened it out, but, but we, we kept talking about it So the person, I guess, figured out, , in fact, she's not on the street she thought she was looking for, right? So she gets back in her car, she drives away. But we're still talking about it. And so Farnoosh said, Right at that moment, you were the only person on the earth that she knew. And she was asking you for help. And then I felt terrible. MATT: Because when a friend asks for help, you help Fawn: them. But I was locked in my past trauma thinking, Is this a racist person yelling at me? You know what I mean? In my own yard. MATT: I've had to deal with people who have told me things I know aren't true, and at some point you just have to agree with them to get them Fawn: to shut up. What do you mean? What does this [00:06:00] have to do with MATT: what we're saying? Okay, so way back when when I was in college, I knew what a vegetarian was. I wasn't a vegetarian, but I absolutely knew what a vegetarian was. Not a problem. And somebody I was working with, in the warehouse, told me vegetarians eat Fawn: meat. Honey, you say this story all the time. I know. But what does that have to do with what we're saying? Okay, so this guy was, um, he couldn't believe that people existed that were vegetarians. That vegetarians only eat vegetables. Right. Or whatever, not meat, right? MATT: Yeah, exactly. But like in the same way you were hearing this, I've, I've been in situations where somebody will tell me something I know is patently untrue and, you know, other situations, that's just the easy one. That's the layup out because it's simple. But, like, were you thinking when this woman was talking to you that, that, and you told her the name of the street you lived on, she didn't believe you? Fawn: She didn't believe me. And I felt like, but it wasn't about that, like, [00:07:00] we were saying words, but I think what was happening energetically for me was she was yelling at me for my culture. You know what I'm saying? Like, we've lived in so many areas, you guys, listening. Like, I was always accosted by, people that were not kind to people of my color or my way of looking. Not kind at all. Right? So, like, we had a neighbor on Bainbridge Island. And when we moved in, we went across the way, and we knocked on her door, we gave her something, and we're like, Hi, we're Fawn and Matt, we live right there, we pointed to her house, and she's like, oh yeah, hi, hi, right? Well, a few months later, I'm walking, had given birth at this point, and I'm walking, and she's yelling at me, Maria. Um. Thinking I'm the maid there to clean her house, right? And I'm like, no, [00:08:00] I'm Fawn. She's like Maria And she's like, you know, like this kind of stuff would happen to me all the time We're like people assume I'm the maid or I don't belong where I'm walking Like what are you doing here? You don't live here. What are you doing here? Like they treat me like like terribly, you know, so That's what I went to Right. Because her face was not happy, because she was lost. Right. But what I get was, she's looking at me, she's mean, she's angry, you know what I'm saying? So that's, I immediately went to my past trauma. So what I'm saying is, that every person that we come across is of influence and is destined. So here we are, we're talking, right? And she's like, so far I know she's like, The way she said it, like, She's lost and I'm the only person on the planet that she can turn to right now. [00:09:00] It was true. No one was around. Right. Just me. Right. And it made me go back to a loving place. A friendly place. But unfortunately, she'd already left. Bye! And Farnoosh, she's like, don't worry, I mean, you still, like, helped her. Mm hmm. You didn't help her in the kindest tone. MATT: Well, that's a nice way of putting it, I Fawn: suppose. So, anyway. MATT: Well, I completely get that, too, because, like, at work sometimes, I'm dealing with As a software developer, I have to deal with my testers who don't really necessarily understand what the heck they need to test or how they can test it. And what they really want to hear is they really want to hear a parent saying, Okay, we're going to figure this out. It's okay. Fawn: It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Baby MATT: steps. Let's just see this one thing. Okay, can you see this? Okay, can you see this? Good job. Taking them into that space. [00:10:00] Right. It would, then I could do that all the time, though. Well, we can't. Because I tend to snap at other moments. Fawn: Oh my goodness. Guys. No, I won't talk about it. Never mind. MATT: Okay, we're not talking about it. No. Fawn: You did snap the other, the other time. Oh my lord, did I snap. I was in the kitchen, about to put a piece, a slice of toast in my mouth, and I heard you. And I just dropped everything and ran away. And I was in the kitchen. You were in the MATT: office. On a conference, on a, on a Zoom Fawn: meeting. And I just froze. Mm hmm. And our oldest child, like, she's also frozen. And we're looking at each other like, uh oh. Uh oh, we gotta get out of here. She runs up the stairs. She runs up, A, to get away from you, also B, B, to warn,[00:11:00] MATT: Dad's in a mood, Fawn: but anyway, I mean we're human, we have, we have emotions, and we have our moments, and they're justified, sometimes, yeah, I mean, so, what I'm saying is, it's hard to get along with everyone today, especially these days. Right? It's hard, everyone. I mean, my goodness, there's so much going on. There's so much war and so much fear and just uncertainty. What do you call that? FUD? Fear, uncertainty, and doubt. FUD. F U D. So, interestingly enough, you know, it's interesting how things coincide. FUD. So this conversation happened with Farnoosh, and the lady that I thought was yelling at me, who wasn't, but, I go back in, so the phone call is over, I go back to work, and when I go back to work, I have like [00:12:00] 32 tabs open on my computer. The only MATT: 32? 32. Well, no, this is standard for people, honestly. I was speaking with somebody who mentioned they had 300 tabs open on their Fawn: phone How do you even see that? I can't even see the tabs on my computer. Boomer You calling me a boomer? Well, I don't know, I don't know how to have tabs on the phone. This from MATT: a person who has a max of four tabs open at any moment, so Fawn: So, anyway. What I'm trying to say is I go back to my desk to get some work done, but I never Usually can't go to work immediately because I have so many tabs open and I'm like, oh that's right This person just posted a video right or You know, I follow other podcasters. I'm like, what are they talking about today? Like, what's going on? I get messages, I have to open up tabs for different reasons to click onto [00:13:00] something that's needed for MATT: work. And also it generally just takes kind of 15 minutes to settle into Fawn: something in general. Right. So what happened was I got an email from, Carolyn Myss. Not that she emailed me personally, but she uploaded a video. She had a video, and I'm like, huh, what is she saying today? And she was talking about, exactly what we were talking about, the Enchanted Stranger is what she called it, She talks about archetypes, and how this could be an archetype. Right. That she's going to create, like, an enchanted stranger. But I've been talking about this for years, Matt. If you go back to our podcast like two years ago, two and a half years ago, about subculture Joe, and how everyone we meet fundamentally moves us and changes us. And, pretty much can change the trajectory of where we're headed. MATT: In the course of one conversation, for sure. Fawn: Or a glance, even. MATT: Sometimes. I generally need a bit more, but yeah, I get it. Fawn: [00:14:00] So what she was talking about, was kind of related, different, but still related, but she said, Just like, things being hard today, right? Mm hmm. And she goes, but this is the world we were born into, and this is the world we have to deal with. That's your only choice. Are you going to or are you not going to whatever it is you're doing, you know what I'm saying? You have to deal with it. So I'm just I'm only speaking of it in terms of friendship and people we come in contact with right? So This is the world we are born into Everything that's happening. That's what we were born into. So are we going to engage with it or not engage with it? What are we gonna do? So You The people that we come across, the people that we meet. How are we going to deal with that? Are you going to engage in a loving way or are you going to engage in war? Now, sometimes you have to engage in war, unfortunately. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I've just been going back and forth in my head. [00:15:00] If someone is bound to kill you, that's their only determi That's their only, um What's the word? That's their only goal is to kill you? Well, you can't, love is not going to win in that situation. Well, MATT: Aikido teaches us how to handle that kind of a situation, Fawn: right? Remind me again, because if someone is just out to end you, there's no harmony to be MATT: had. Well, you bring them to the realization that A, they can't do that, and B, they're only going to hurt themselves worse by Fawn: doing it. Right. So Aikido comes from a place, just to remind everybody, that it's the way of, explain it, it's, it's really peaceful, it's a peaceful martial arts, and especially our school, our lineage, taught us that if someone is attacking you, it means that they're, they're out of harmony, and it's your job to take care of your attacker. So, MATT: is it my turn to explain it now? [00:16:00] Sorry. Aikido, Do is WAY. , Aikido is actually translated to the way of harmony with the universe. And, it's like, if you are standing against the will of the universe, you're gonna lose. It's like yelling into a snowstorm. You're not really going to make any progress. It's, it's like ice skating uphill. Again, you're not necessarily, you're not really going to make a lot of progress. And so what Aikido teaches us is when you are, when you lash out, when you attack, it's, it generally speaking, it comes down to you don't feel like you're being heard, which is a powerful kind of a message. But like, A fist to the face, that is a definite message that's hard to ignore, but what Aikido teaches us is how to take that energy and redirect it, which invariably ends up with the [00:17:00] person on the floor. Fawn: But the way they're taken to the floor is very, very much in a loving way. Right. That, so let's say, let's say that, I am attacking you. And you are a black belt. This is your art. You do Aikido. You are of that way. And I come and attack you. You will throw me and everything happens in a circular motion. Circles after circles after circles. Until you end up on the ground. But the way it will feel for me attacking you as a black belt. I, as the attacker, end up feeling like, weee, it feels fun, because you're not hurting my ego or my body, it is actually like, done in a very loving way, it feels, it feels fun, it feels fun the way that you're taking me down. At least in the MATT: style that we learned, Fawn: yes. Right, [00:18:00] but if I keep fighting you, as I'm on the ground, What's actually happened is that you have my joints in a certain position, where I keep, if I keep fighting you, then I lose. I, I, MATT: You're gonna end up hurting yourself worse Fawn: and worse and worse. So anyway. Well, where are we going with this now? Well, I was starting to say that our choice is to lead with love, ? Really? But, but then I contradicted myself in my own head. You know when I'm talking, there's a voice in my head that goes, yeah, but what about this, you know? Yeah, but what about when someone MATT: Really Fawn: is bound and determined to kill you. Right. That doesn't want you to exist then You Then you can't, you know, it doesn't work. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think love will work in that situation. MATT: Well then you start adopting the, um, God, is it Kung Fu? But, um, [00:19:00] basically, if someone seeks to kill, I will maim. If someone seeks to maim, I will wound. If someone seeks to wound, I will hurt. If someone seeks to hurt, I will. And it's ratcheting it Fawn: all down. Yeah. But what I'm saying is if we just act in love regardless of all that. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Go with love, up until if someone is bound and determined not to act in any fashion with love or harmony, you have no choice but to get them in a lock. Right. Right. So, but, okay, but that was in my head, I'm thinking, because I was saying, you know, this is the time and place that we're all born into. This is the time and place that we're dealing with people. Right, and these are the struggles of the world. Yes, the struggles of the world right now, and that people are dealing with us also, not just, we're dealing with other people. We're dealing with one another, and how do we [00:20:00] respond? How do we have enough grace to be as loving as we can? And can we remember what we love? And, so the, bringing it back, it's, and it's interesting because this is before this woman came up. Our conversation was, how can we truly appreciate ourselves. Like we were talking about a voice and she was, you know, if I knew she was saying I have a nice voice, you know, and then she was saying, but I couldn't listen to my own voice. I'm like, Oh, trust me. I understand because before podcasting, I used to hate my voice so much. I would just want to run away and like cry if I heard my own voice. But then I had to hear my voice because I'm editing this podcast. Right. But if, you know, but to this day, I still can't look at myself on video. I hate being on video. I won't let anyone take my picture. And if, if those things happen, I have a horrible time with it. And then [00:21:00] hours and days later, I'm still dealing with it. Like something happens to me that is not okay. And so, but anyway, we were talking about this kind of stuff and we're like, isn't it a shame how we don't honor and love ourselves fully as who we are. And so, what I'm saying is, I think the love to have, to share with other people, like someone that you think is yelling at you, or maybe you're being triggered by something, by this person, Mm hmm. and that triggers your past wound, your past experience where it was not okay, and then you can't get along with this person because all you're feeling is what you went through, Mm hmm. Some other time ago that this person is now for you. You're putting it on this person This person has nothing to do with your past, right? Right. I'm talking about a stranger. Mm hmm Who's asking you for directions, right? Right. And so What I'm trying to say is do we love [00:22:00] ourselves? And it's interesting Like can we truly accept ourselves? So before this lady came And was asking for directions. I was saying to Farnoosh that every day What I do to make myself feel better to make myself Come to a situation where I can um Honor and appreciate myself is I I put a if you've notices, Matt, on my desk there's a Photo of me when I was like two years old. Oh, yeah, absolutely Right. She's totally cute, right? Yes So were you? But see no, I just want to cry if I see my own image now, do you know what i'm saying? like I can't but I see this two year old and I And she's adorable because i'm seeing it as another person. I'm not seeing it as me I have enough distance from that time to go. Oh, what a cute cute little girl And then I think, how can anyone mistreat [00:23:00] this girl? And I think about my family and how they would talk to me. And how I was treated growing up. I'm like, how can anyone do that to this little girl? This little girl is precious, right? Right. But, everyday I'm at work and because I'm in the industry I'm in, You know, it's very like, it's the entertainment industry, and You know, you have to, I have to have my face on all the time. And so it's like, for me to look at that picture and feel love for this person is in a way making myself feel better about myself and giving myself some love. And what I'm saying is, do we truly love ourselves? And if we can get If we can feel that first, if we can be anchored in that, to respect ourselves, the whole, the mystery of self, just coming back to [00:24:00] that and what's the consequence of not respecting and not loving ourselves? You can't love other people. And if you do it, it's quite superficial. Because guaranteed you're going to be triggered in some way. Because you're not happy with yourself, you're going to fight with this person at some point. And I think that's the key to friendship right there. You have to have a good time with yourself, you have to know yourself, you have to love things about your own self, even the terrible things that you think are terrible, in order for you to appreciate someone else. And so. Everything. To appreciate the earth, to appreciate the animals, all animals, that includes humans. You know, if you don't feel that love, then nothing matters. We mistreat ourselves and others, we get depressed and we get lonely. And so Building the love in yourself [00:25:00] with baby steps, like looking at a picture, like looking at a photo of you with some distance, right? Or getting yourself a cup of water to drink, to nourish yourself, to water yourself, to, to just be kind to yourself will result in you being kind to the outside. Thank you. So, that, that is what came to me the other day that I wanted to talk about was this whole enchanted stranger and how everyone we meet is destined and has influence. I just wanted to spit all that out before you spoke. Wow. Because, I mean, there's a lot in there, right? Right. I just wanted to make sure I got it all. There's a ton to unpack. I mean, so we have talked about how so many people have changed our lives. You know, we've talked about this on other shows. I don't want to relive all that. Okay. But I want to move forward, especially these days, because it seems like, okay, so we made, [00:26:00] made it through the big hurdle of a pandemic, mm hmm. We made it through. Now there's all this other stuff that's happening. So, how can we move through keeping in mind the whole idea of the enchanted stranger? And the stranger could be yourself, like, we could be strangers to ourselves. How can we be present and loving towards every person that crosses our path? Especially these days when we are triggered and we don't necessarily are in a loving place because we are We are going through some something So what do we do? So my fix was Baby steps to love yourself, right? And it seems like I just want to throw up saying that, because it's much like, much like self care. You know? Oh dear. But it's really about [00:27:00] faith. Like Carolyne Myss was talking about, the video that she had where she talked about the enchanted stranger, she was talking about faith. Like it comes down to, you have to have faith within yourself and if you don't, if you're not anchored in some faith like that. Like, trusting, trusting yourself, or having that, sense of, I trust, that's when everything goes haywire, and it leads to all kinds of things, like, addiction, or loneliness, or, you know, you just go down this road of things falling apart. MATT: Yeah, I think I tend to go through life almost with an expectation of wonder. Like, I expect everyone to have an interesting story that they can tell. And I, I go through life and I realize and something that I'm now working, a new thing I'm working on is just, what's the word for it? I think everybody wants [00:28:00] to be recognized. So I'm trying to be the enchanted stranger. So I'm trying to notice. Everybody and those people who notice me noticing them I'm not going to do what's called civil inattention and kind of ignore them I'm going to try and not necessarily not really necessarily engage, but not look away and With a head nod or a whatever to say I see you When I we were we were at the supermarket today and there was a woman getting groceries for someone else Because that's what they're doing now. Um, and I had to scooch past her. But, normal, quote unquote normally, I would have just scooched past her. But, I made sure to acknowledge, and not engage, but acknowledge and say something. You know, to that point. In an [00:29:00] attempt to just recognize. Fawn: Nice. Yeah, it's, it's, you know, we always say the key is to be heard and to be seen. Right. Right? I think the key also is appreciation. The key is to feel appreciated. You can just look at someone and express appreciation for that person just existing. Right. You know, like, Oh, I appreciate you. You're lost. I appreciate that you're lost. It's okay. This is the street. You know, but, but because I was just talking about hating myself, I think, that I was, like, not in the space. And I also wanted some privacy. Right. Right. So, I was annoyed. Mm hmm. So, because the love wasn't there, I didn't have the capacity to appreciate someone else that suddenly came in on, not on my timeline that I was aware of. You know what I'm MATT: saying? Right. Yes. And we also Yeah, exactly. We play the victims of our own trauma and we [00:30:00] think our trauma is bigger than everything else because it's happening to me. Fawn: And it goes back to hosting. Like you always tell us, be a good host. Treat the world like it's your house, it's your home, and every person you meet is your honored guest. So, a stranger you meet on the street. This is Matt, by the way, who always says this. I'm just repeating it. A stranger on the street is your honored guest in your home. So, take good care of them. Make them feel comfortable and honored. Right? Appreciate it. Exactly. Yes. But, if you're not in that state, you don't have the capacity to. When you're not feeling the love, you have to feel, you have to be anchored in love in some way. It could be the love of a squirrel, as I always say. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but I have to buy the MATT: squirrel's love every day. Fawn: You do, with peanuts. When we have love, then we have the capacity to appreciate. True. That's what I wanted to say today. Can we close [00:31:00] it off with that? We can close it off with that. Because I really need to go to the bathroom. I completely understand. Okay guys, really? Do you want to say anything else? I don't even know if I can make it up the stairs to the bathroom. MATT: I will just say, you need to go to the bathroom. I Fawn: really do. Guys, I'm so sorry to cut this short. We love you so much. Have a beautiful every day. And again, please reach out to us through our website. And thank you. Be well.