You, I Love

[00:00:00] FAWN (2): Welcome back to Our Friendly World, everyone. Hi. [00:00:02] MATT: Hello. [00:00:04] FAWN (2): Matt, do you think there's a difference between friendship and marriage? [00:00:08] MATT: Yes. [00:00:08] FAWN (2): What's the difference? [00:00:10] MATT: Sex. [00:00:12] FAWN (2): Aside from that. Aside from that. The way we carry our relationship. [00:00:19] MATT: Okay, so, there are certain people I can only handle in doses, right? Friends or not, at some point I, you know, at some point it gets old. [00:00:29] Like our next door neighbor, couldn't be married to him. Absolutely not. I get tired of it. [00:00:35] FAWN (2): So How does marriage differ? What makes marriage And I gotta say, it's not for most people because I feel like I'm always hearing people talk about marriage and they talk about getting bored and everything. [00:00:47] And, knock on wood or whatever, I don't feel that with you. Well, I keep [00:00:52] MATT: it fun! [00:00:52] FAWN (2): Or our kids. Like, I hear so many parents say they You know, especially some years ago [00:01:00] when everyone was stuck together, right? Right. Stuck together are, those are their words, not mine. Right. But like, they, they don't, even now, like, friends of mine don't understand why we live the way we do. [00:01:15] You know, they think, oh my god, you guys are so trapped and you're in, in this small house and always on each, you know, on top of one another. I'm like, we're not on top of one another. We actually like like to be together. [00:01:28] MATT: Right, [00:01:29] FAWN (2): but I don't think that's the majority of people. Well, [00:01:32] MATT: it's a hard thing It's a it's a tricky thing because I think it requires you to kind of lay aside yourself on some level it's like there's a lot of movies I would love to watch that we don't watch on family movie days because You know, I don't know how you'll take them or you will, you plain old won't like them. [00:01:51] FAWN (2): I feel like you sacrifice all the time because you never watch whatever you want to watch. I did today. When we're not around. [00:01:58] MATT: I watched exactly what, and [00:02:00] you all joined me in watching it. Oh, [00:02:01] FAWN (2): that's true. We watched, um, what was it called? My Blue Heaven? [00:02:05] MATT: My Blue Heaven. Steve Martin. [00:02:07] FAWN (2): It was so good. I didn't recall it being that good when I saw it years and years and years and years ago. [00:02:13] Wow. [00:02:14] MATT: Wow. No, it's a brilliant cast and it's it's a it's an interesting fun story. It's [00:02:19] FAWN (2): done so well. Everything about it was good The photography was great. The writing was great. The direction was amazing. Yeah, but we digress but anyway, so I'm asking this question because we were talking to a friend of ours and He said something that, that blew my mind, along the same lines as when I was in India and I was thanking this one Swami who was always helping me. [00:02:44] And I said, thank you. And when I was leaving, I said, have a nice day. And he's like, wow, don't ever say that because you're condemning someone to one nice day. Really think about have a nice every day. [00:03:00] And so from that Point forward. I've always said have a beautiful every day I won't say a nice day or a beautiful day or or Happy New Year or whatever. [00:03:13] I don't say that if you if you are with me You'll it's very rare that I will say Happy whatever have a happy whatever I will say have a happy every whatever But in the same vein we were talking to one of our friends and we were talking about spiritual matters and he said something that blew my mind and I realized wow I'm probably such a bad wife to you because row row because it's it's we were talking about what it really means To love someone? [00:03:49] What it really means to do something good for someone else? What it means to be of service to someone else? What are you looking at? [00:04:00] I feel like you're not, is there a spider behind me? No, I'm, [00:04:03] MATT: no, come on. [00:04:04] FAWN (2): Essentially, the two things he said is 1. A. As human beings, we only see through our own lens. [00:04:12] He said, in a relationship When there are two people who love each other, if you spend a lot of the time thinking, How does that love make me feel? It has nothing to do with the other person. So, and then we got into doing things for other people. [00:04:31] Like, he was saying, if Matt likes purple curtains, and that's what makes Matt happy, then, If you love someone, then you'll focus on having the purple curtains. If you're giving someone a gift, you don't give them a gift that you like. You have to really think about what they need. What not what you like or what is good for you or what you think they should have [00:05:00] It's what they want. [00:05:01] It's what they desire You have to think in those terms and you do that all the time with me and I just kind of run with it And I just noticed like he's right because like even like simple things Matt, do you, what do you think, uh, should we do this color or that color? And you'll say, this color. I'm like, actually, no, I think we should do that color. [00:05:27] And you're like, well, why did you even ask me? But it happens all the time. And I'm really sorry. So as soon as I heard this a few days ago, I have Really been working on switching that which means I [00:05:39] MATT: get to listen to my music in the car. [00:05:42] FAWN (2): Well, I haven't said anything [00:05:44] MATT: I know i've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. [00:05:46] FAWN (2): No, it's not going to drop because you mocked [00:05:49] MATT: me that one time [00:05:50] FAWN (2): What do you mean? [00:05:51] MATT: We were listening to uh that weird band that does Lounge covers of heavy metal songs. [00:05:57] FAWN (2): I didn't mock you. How did I mock you? [00:06:00] skeletons [00:06:01] MATT: of society [00:06:02] FAWN (2): I don't remember. Ugh. What? [00:06:05] MATT: That's the name of the song. It's by a band called Slayer. [00:06:07] It's a very, ugh, song, right? It's not something I normally listen to, but the lounge version is like, catchy rhythm and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but the chorus was driving you guys crazy. Everybody was mocking me. [00:06:19] FAWN (2): I wasn't making fun of you. I don't, I seriously don't even remember. Okay. But. [00:06:26] MATT: That was, that was two weeks ago though. [00:06:27] So. [00:06:28] FAWN (2): Yeah, I'm still, I'm still, no, that was before the epiphany. And so he, and then he further, our friend further went on to explain that even when you say I love you, it's all about the I, I love you. Whereas, much like, have a beautiful every day, it should be you I love. The focus is on you. [00:06:54] So I thought we would talk about that today a little bit. In terms of friendship, how would you explain [00:07:00] what we were listening to with our friend? Like, how did it affect you, other than, you're right, Matt. [00:07:07] MATT: You know, it's, it's, it's, it's how I do. [00:07:10] FAWN (2): It is, it is how you do. You [00:07:12] MATT: know, I'm always, I'm finding these ridiculous [00:07:15] FAWN (2): You do that for everyone at work, I've noticed, because my desk is next to yours, so I hear you with your colleagues at work, with your people. [00:07:23] You're very, you're very selfless. You're selfless, period. Not very, you're selfless. [00:07:28] MATT: I try to be. [00:07:30] FAWN (2): And, um. And competent. And just, like, like me, I think, I mean, I still love you. I mean, I, I feel like I do, I do, no, I'm trying. You I still love. You I still love. No, that came out wrong. Not the still part. I'm just saying, I still, this is what I was trying to say, I still, I still [00:07:50] even though I'm like, Oh, what do you think of this? Oh, no, you know what? I'm going to do this instead. Anyway, even though I just asked you for your opinion and I'm not going to follow your opinion. A [00:08:00] lot of the times it's, I'm trying to think out loud. Like should we go with green or should we go with purple? [00:08:06] Do you know what I'm saying? And then when you say green, I'm like, yeah, but I think purple, I'm thinking out loud. And I realized, you know what? I should have these thoughts in my own head. And before I start, vocalizing things out loud, I should come to terms with what do I really think here? So then I'm more prepared I have more capacity to fully receive what your opinion is. [00:08:33] I think that makes for a better friendship, better relationship. No, [00:08:38] MATT: it does. And [00:08:39] FAWN (2): I think that's, that's my downfall is I think out loud. to my own defense, it's because I feel like I have to take care of so many things constantly in a hurry. So I don't have, I feel like it's a luxury for me to have the space to think about something on my own for a bit and let it, you know, mull it over.[00:09:00] [00:09:00] So I don't, I feel like I don't have time so I'll just say it out loud. I'm trying to explain that I do respect your opinion. I just have to wait before I say anything. Anyway, I forgot what I say now. Oh, but in terms of like, I've noticed how you are so selfless with other people. And I was going to say, even though it seems like I'm not doing what you want, I still live my, throughout my day, all day, every day, thinking about ways to make things. [00:09:37] Wonderful for you in a way that it's now it's just automatic, you know Like, the way I'll make our bed, the way I'll cook, or the way, like, everything is done with you in mind and the kids in mind. [00:09:55] MATT: Right. [00:09:56] FAWN (2): To the point where, you know, a few months ago you were like, [00:10:00] It's all about you and the kids, like, what about me? [00:10:03] I'm like, what do you mean, what about you? And we got into this huge fight because I, I don't, I'm not the kind of person that like keeps a tab or like to keep, you know, keep score. So I had to really think about things and I started yelling at you saying, yelling basically all the things that I do. I'm like, all this is for you and you're like, yeah, and the kids like, how about me? [00:10:27] And I'm like, Oh my God, you're right. But at the same time, none of this is for me either. So anyway, something to think about as a way to remind us of this slight transition, but like it's such a huge transition to make. I love you, you I love. It is a huge turnaround actually. It's hard to even say, it's so simple, it's just one small word put into a different part of the sentence, but [00:11:00] I feel like it's hard on the brain. [00:11:04] To, you know what I'm saying? To think and to say a lot. In a way, [00:11:07] MATT: yes. And, and I get that. I can remember, we're all the center of our own universes, right? And we live in this sphere where we're the center of our own universes. Hopefully, I think it's part of normal human development. And, and we go through our, hopefully our childhood into, into our, into adulthood really believing we are the center of our own little universe. [00:11:31] But, every once in a while, getting that ding, ding, ding reminder that maybe we're not. Not in a hectic, terrible way, but just in a small way. And I can remember, in college, [00:11:46] Basically, think of it as I was, I was swapping bootleg Grateful Dead tapes of their live shows because that's legal and everything else. But anyways, so I went over to somebody's place. [00:12:00] apartment, somebody's room and swapping bootlegs. They didn't have really any bootlegs for me, but I had lots of bootlegs for them. [00:12:07] So I gave them a bunch of bootlegs, but I was a little pissed because my friend Jane arranged this whole thing. And I was like, Jane, there was nothing in it for me. What a story. And she's like, sometimes it's not about you, Matt. And I was enlightened. Sometimes it's not about you. It was about the other person for whatever reason. [00:12:30] But it was one of those moments where I was enlightened [00:12:35] FAWN (2): you do it really well though, and I wish you could give us some Nuggets here to carry on with to figure out how you do it Because remember a few years ago we did a show on paying attention to trifles [00:12:50] MATT: and yes, and that's what I do I [00:12:51] FAWN (2): think definitely that's what you do. [00:12:54] But how do you constantly notice things about other [00:13:00] people? It seems like you don't work very hard at it. It just comes to you. The fact that you can see what someone truly needs. I feel like I have a hard time with that, actually. [00:13:11] MATT: It's, it's, it, it's a lifetime. And that was one moment of, that's one moment I can point at is going, that was what that was. [00:13:21] But the other thing is, yes, absolutely. Pay attention. People tell you who they are. People tell you what they are. People tell you the things that interest them. We oftentimes let so much go by. And then there's the other side of it, because one of the other reasons why I'm this way is because I have been so incredibly humbled by my friends. [00:13:42] There was a point in time where, in college, I told one of my friends, I need you please come, and he came. [00:13:51] FAWN (2): From another city. [00:13:52] MATT: From clear across hundreds of miles. [00:13:56] FAWN (2): Right. [00:13:57] MATT: And, You know when you [00:14:00] need it steamy came [00:14:03] FAWN (2): that's steamy is matt's friend [00:14:05] MATT: Incredibly humbling. [00:14:08] FAWN (2): I didn't even have to ask him, [00:14:09] MATT: you know, it's it's it's about You know paying it forward. [00:14:13] It's about keeping that always In your mind, it's one of those things It's one of those definitive kind of moments that i'm trying to document all these weird definitive moments i've had And that's a strong one. [00:14:28] FAWN (2): That's true. And I remember we call him steamy. That's not his name, but we call that's his nickname Because his name is Steenhoek. [00:14:37] I call him Steenie. But I remember, he didn't just come. He asked me. And this was after I So Matt was in the hospital and things were crazy and I asked a couple of our friends to come, and they flat out said no. And I never heard from them ever again. Right. Now, Steenie [00:15:00] called me and asked me if he could come. [00:15:06] I just cry, I'm sorry. But yeah, like, he knew what we needed. Like, throughout the whole time, he knew. You know, like, it's crazy. I don't know. I, I, like, even gift giving? I don't know. I don't think I'm a good gift giver. Because just a few days ago we bought a gift for a friend. And we really tried hard. Oh no, [00:15:34] MATT: that was a brilliant gift. [00:15:35] It was. Absolutely was. But [00:15:37] FAWN (2): it's nothing that he wanted. [00:15:38] MATT: Uh, uh, uh. [00:15:39] FAWN (2): Because he's not using it. Let [00:15:40] MATT: it go. [00:15:42] FAWN (2): I know I should let it go, but I'm saying, but, [00:15:44] MATT: I [00:15:45] FAWN (2): understand, but was it, it's, it's the questioning, like, was it for us or was it for him? Is it something he really wanted? Was it really for him? I don't know [00:15:58] MATT: and and sometimes [00:16:00] I sometimes everybody gives gifts like that And that's what that is. [00:16:03] But when you give a gift you let it go But that's also why we didn't just bring one gift We brought two gifts and one of them I guarantee you he enjoyed. [00:16:13] FAWN (2): Oh, that's the one He totally was excited about and it's the one that Matt gave and it was just a soda a can of soda very now Like, the kids and I were like, we're not wanting to buy him that, it's not good for him, but Matt took a Fanta, and he was so excited. [00:16:34] MATT: And why? Giving gifts, that's a whole, we could do a whole show on giving gifts, but literally, pay attention, it's the thought, that's it, it's the thought. [00:16:51] FAWN (2): Even though it's a 1. 00 can of soda as opposed to this elaborate gift that we ended up getting that was like, [00:17:00] you know, he said thank you for that But he talked way more about the soda. [00:17:06] MATT: It's the thought and then you let it go It's like shooting an arrow when you release it you're done. That's it And we have no idea what is going to transpire with this gift. We don't know if he's going to, he already, we don't know if he already regifted it to his, to one of his children. We don't know. [00:17:26] He very well could have done that because I get the feeling he's not the wealthiest person on earth. So, I mean, materially wealthy, he's one of the wealthiest people I know, but not materially. Or so I think. I don't know. I [00:17:46] FAWN (2): mean, we don't, yeah, I mean, well. So, I mean, what do you think? [00:17:55] MATT: I think I need some purple curtains. [00:17:58] FAWN (2): Whatever you want, honey. [00:18:00] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay. [00:18:03] MATT: But, no, it's about paying attention to everything everybody always says. Our oldest today was talking about getting snacks. [00:18:12] FAWN (2): And I immediately was like, no, we've got snacks at home we can just take. Because she said, can we, I want to go out and buy some snacks for our road trip. [00:18:21] I'm like, we have snacks. [00:18:23] MATT: And what did I say? Tell. I was like, what were you thinking of getting? Right. You know, is there something in that, is there something we've had that we haven't had in a long time that you want? [00:18:34] FAWN (2): Yeah, and my response, which was so immediate, like, we have stuff already, then she wouldn't even say what she wanted. I know. [00:18:42] MATT: D'oh. [00:18:43] FAWN (2): I'm sorry. D'oh! Missed that opportunity. Okay. It's, it's, it's a weird, is it, is it even a balancing act? [00:18:54] MATT: There's no balance to it. It's all about, there are those times, Wow, no [00:19:00] balance. [00:19:00] It's [00:19:00] FAWN (2): all about the other person. There [00:19:01] MATT: are, there are those times when it's all about me. And those times are from 4 a. m. to about 9 a. m. That's about, that's me time. That's me. And everything else isn't, everything else is everything else. [00:19:18] FAWN (2): Do you think that some people give and give and give so much? Like, for example, mothers. [00:19:24] I'm trying to make excuses for myself here. But like, everything, literally everything is for the other person. You know, everything from my body is now for the other person. Like giving birth, breastfeeding, all of it, right? No sleep, every, every minute, every second of the day. For a long time, for years. [00:19:47] And I want to say, now that they're teenagers, like I want to say even now, it's 24 hours a day. It's not breastfeeding anymore, but it's still I'm exhausted, but I've gotten to the [00:20:00] point where I'm like, me, what about what I want? And I feel like, I don't know. Am I, am I tripping here, Matt? I feel like, have I been selfish? [00:20:09] Is it all about me? I feel like it is. No, no, [00:20:13] MATT: and no, but keep in mind. I get five hours a day of me time. That's like a quarter of my day. You know, I enjoy watching footyball an awful lot, even though y'all mock me about it. I watch plenty of footyball. First thing in the morning. [00:20:33] FAWN (2): That's really good, because throughout the day, I feel like I don't get a chunk of time like that, so throughout the day I'm like, me, me, me. [00:20:42] I feel like, well, I want some tea, or I want to just listen to this YouTube video. Podcast or you know, I'm constantly thinking that but at the same time I'm doing things for everyone else So it feels like it's a battle and I feel like a selfish person [00:21:00] [00:21:00] MATT: And I feel like [00:21:01] FAWN (2): I've lost the ability to really be about you I love you know what I'm saying in a calm in a calm manner in a calm Manner. [00:21:15] MATT: I feel you. Or you, I feel. [00:21:17] FAWN (2): I'm showing him my lower lip. Howdy face. You I love too. And so, I, let's just start with that. You I love. Let's practice that. [00:21:32] Anything else? [00:21:33] MATT: You I love. [00:21:34] FAWN (2): You I love. [00:21:35] MATT: Okay. [00:21:36] FAWN (2): All right. [00:21:37] MATT: So you be well. The greater you be well. [00:21:40] FAWN (2): You. You I love. Hey, you have a beautiful everyday. You have a beautiful everyday. You talk to you soon.