The Art of Authenticity in Friendship - 4 Key Things to Notice

June 20, 2022 00:47:15
The Art of Authenticity in Friendship - 4 Key Things to Notice
Our Friendly World with Fawn and Matt
The Art of Authenticity in Friendship - 4 Key Things to Notice
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Show Notes

Did you know that our cells, (the cells in our bodies) create light? Science today is telling us that even our cells emit light when they perform their functions. Neurons in the brain and spinal nerves have been found to produce photons. Photons are tiny particles of light that influence our very atomic structure when they send impulses to each other. They're communicating through light!  "The Energy Codes" by Dr. Sue Morter. A little quote that actually blends into what we're talking about today, about authenticity. A quote from the book:

"The key to a fully empowered experience of life is embodying the energy that you are." When I read that to me, I get, to live fully, you have to be fully yourself. Don't hide. Don't try to edit yourself because you're afraid, afraid of not having this friend, or afraid of not having the job.

Also, what is the difference between authentic and genuine?

We discuss 4 keys to noticing the authenticity in yourself and others.

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TRANSCRIPT

The Art of Authenticity

[00:00:00] Fawn: Welcome back.

[00:00:01] Matt: Hello?

[00:00:01] Fawn: Hello. How can I thank you for listening and come across in the way that I really feel in my heart. How do I do that? Would that not sounding authentic? How do I do that?

[00:00:13] Matt: Uh, yes, authenticity is in a challenging place for me right now. I happen to be, uh, uh, interviewing with different companies.

So that's always a tricky thing. Tricky

spot

[00:00:25] Fawn: I'm in a tricky spot with it myself, because I was being my normal self. I'm an open book and with a friend, if something bothers me, I talk about it in a gentle way. And I felt like the person wasn't hearing me. So I went to the next person in our little tiny circle.

Right. And they were not hearing me at all.

[00:00:48] Matt: Oh dear.

[00:00:48] Fawn: I said, I don't think you understand how bad my situation is right now. So you're not hearing what I'm saying. And boy, did she not like hearing that and it was the end of our friendship.

[00:01:00] Matt: Yeah. That is a challenging thing to hear, frankly. yeah, nobody likes to have their authenticity called into question for sure.

[00:01:08] Fawn: I didn't call up their authenticity into question. I was just revealing my pain and it wasn't, it had nothing to do with them, but anyway, it definitely got to got me in a place where, wow, well, I don't want to share myself ever again. You know what I'm saying?

So anyway, that's my challenging point right now, right? Why is yours that way? I know, you know, Matt is looking for a job,

[00:01:33] Matt: everybody. Hey, anyways, um, no, I'm a hundred percent authentic when I'm talking to the people. It's the follow-ups that are tricky. And it's the understanding that, maybe this is not the right opportunity or this isn't a dream opportunity.

As it were. Right. And these are people who are already heavily invested in whatever place they're at. And so they're all a hundred percent on board theoretically, so it can be hard to sound enthusiastic about being there with an understanding that in all likelihood.

I won't be because I'm looking at many opportunities right

now.

[00:02:14] Fawn: And also most people are not living authentically. They're not being their true, authentic selves, but they pretend they are to save their job. They pretend they are to save their relationships. They pretend they are because they don't want to be exposed.

Anything it's risky. It's risky to be authentic, to be totally yourself,

[00:02:36] Matt: right

[00:02:37] Fawn: because it can get you fired. It can get you out of a relationship, you know, it's quite painful. And it also,

[00:02:44] Matt: and it also exposes you completely like, if you're so desperate to fill in the blank, to get this job to, be with this person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And it doesn't happen. BOOM that's that's a hard

thing.

[00:03:01] Fawn: So by going back, I, we want to express to you how grateful we are that you're listening to our show right now. Thank you. I am in awe. It's not like I have poured a whole bunch of money in looking at analytics for our show, but looking at it, I know you're listening every single day and I am so grateful.

Thank you. Having us be heard. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. It means, yeah. I feel like she started to tear up folks. I am starting to tear up, but I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is going to sound so cheesy and inauthentic, but it really is. I'm so grateful. Okay. So here we go.

Let's just get into the topic for today. of course I always say, okay, let's get into it. But, but first I wanted to ask you, did you know that our cells, you know, the cells in our bodies, so science today is telling us that even our cells emit light when they perform their functions, neurons in the brain and spinal nerves have been found to produce photons. Photons are tiny particles of light that influence our very atomic structure when they send impulses to each other, they're communicating through light. There's this quote from the book, "The Energy Codes by Dr. Sue Morter. A little quote that actually blends into what we're talking about today, about authenticity.

The key to a fully empowered experience of life is embodying the energy that you are. When I read that to me, I get, to live fully, you have to be fully yourself. Don't hide. Don't try to edit yourself because you're afraid, afraid of not having this friend or afraid of not having the job.

Although the job thing that's, that's affecting. If you're American, that's affecting your life. You could die if you don't have a job because you won't have health insurance or you won't, you know what I mean? You won't have a place to live. There's nothing out there that's a safety net for us Americans, right.

[00:05:15] Matt: It sucks

right. But there's a difference. Yeah. In my mind, at least. And then maybe it's just how I'm dealing with things. I am a hundred percent authentic, you know, I am showing them who I am and some people are some people like that. And some people don't like that.

[00:05:30] Fawn: Yeah. Most people don't do that, Matt.

[00:05:32] Matt: Well, yeah, that's true. That's one of my differentiators.

[00:05:35] Fawn: All right. So the art of authenticity, here we go, did you have something else to add before I get into it? All right. The art of developing your presence, the art of authenticity. Authentic, the definition; I was looking around for several different definitions. And I was going back and forth between authentic and genuine, genuine.

How do you pronounce it? Genuine or genuine? I dunno. Okay. So here we go. You know what I'm talking about? Authentic means conforming to reality and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. Okay. Then genuine is belonging to, or proceeding from the original stock. Native, not counterfeit, not false. And at first I wanted to say that being genuine is radically different than being authentic.

And then later as I was looking, I slept on it. I actually slept. And then I realized, okay, this is what genuine and authenticity is like why I was tripping on both of them. And I came to a conclusion. I'll tell you about it in just a second, but one more definition of authentic. Here we go. Authentic: it's

you're true to your own personality, values and spirit regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. I'm going to say it again, being Being authentic: you're true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. You're honest with yourself and with others and you take responsibility for your actions.

It's about your values, ideals and actions. It's where your values, ideas, and actions align. That is being authentic. And so. I thought, why am I tripping on authentic versus genuine

why did I trip on the difference between authentic and genuine? Because when you look up the etymology of authentic, it, it says, oh, to be genuine. And I that no, that doesn't ring totally perfect with me. So I had thought about it. And if you look at the definition of genuine, it means belonging to, or proceeding from the original stock.

It's native. It's not counterfeit, it's not false. But what really got me was it belongs to. What does it belong to? It belongs to yourself. When you're genuine, you belong to yourself. When you're genuine, you belong to yourself. You're fully empowered. You fully embody the energy that you are, and that is authentic.

And I think what I'm trying to say is that this is one of the key, key, key things of having true friendship is being authentic first with yourself. There are things that we have to tell ourselves or acknowledge about our own selves before we can seek out or even recognize authenticity in another person.

And then therefore you can understand is the friendship authentic. If the person isn't being authentic with themselves, there's no way that they can do that on the outside world and accept someone else's authenticity because they're not even accepting their own. And how can you even have a friendship and know what an authentic friendship is if you can't even take it to yourself and to others? How can you bring into the circle of friendship, having it be a true, genuine friendship, if this is not practiced, if this is not done. So the questions that I ask is, are you the same person when you were by yourself, as when you're in front of someone else, when you're in front of other people? Do you change when you're in front of other people, do you use different language when you're in front of other people?

Do you wear something that you would never wear on your own? Can you dress in front of other people the way you dress when you're by yourself.

Do you change things about yourself? Is there a facade? Is there a wall? And this is why it's so important to be alone. Like, you know, when people date they're like, you should really spend time with yourself and date yourself, you know, get to know yourself before going out there

again,

[00:09:55] Matt: I'm a big believer in that.

[00:09:57] Fawn: Me too. I mean, not that it happened on purpose, but it just happened. So I'm like, okay,

[00:10:04] Matt: well, I, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as dating myself, but I would classify it as being comfortable and having a clear understanding of exactly who you are, owning your inner Popeye.

[00:10:15] Fawn: Having

a good time on your own is key, right?

Because if you don't, if you have to appreciate your own company, I got to a point like, again, not by choice, not like I was like, you know what? I'm not going to hang out with you. I'm not going to date you. I'm going to take time for myself. No, it just happened. And I was like, wow, I'm by myself, nobody around.

And like, if I were to describe it, it was like just being in the desert. Like that, that time in my life was like, I'm just by myself, on an island. Oh, well, what are you going to do? There are no planes flying over you can say help to. It was just me. And, and then after awhile, I'm like, I don't know if it was like too much loneliness, but I started cracking myself up.

I was like, I'm funny. I appreciate my own sense of humor, Ooh, we can watch this movie. I love that movie too. Do you know what I mean? Is it,

I just started having a good time by myself. I have the similar interest in art. I,

[00:11:28] Matt: you better.

[00:11:30] Fawn: It was fantastic. You know, and because I had that, I was more, um, I had more capacity to appreciate something I didn't appreciate hanging out with someone else. You know what I mean? Because that's what they appreciated because I got to totally go to the movies that I wanted.

I got to say what I wanted. I got to think what I wanted. I got to do whatever I wanted because I had that space and you don't have to be in a desert like existence, like I did to achieve that. You have to just look to yourself and go, what, what do you want, what would you like to do? You know what I mean?

Like or what do you really want? What do you like to do? What do you really think? You know what I'm saying? Without having anything punish you out there for thinking whatever you want to think, but you know what that's, what it is. People are afraid to be their authentic selves because they get punished.

You get fired from a job. You got people yelling at you for having a belief that you have, but when you practice doing it on your own, it kind of goes away. It does. I mean, you, you may still have people yelling at you about what do you mean? Do you know what I'm saying? But because you embody yourself and you're centered in that it doesn't bother you.

It doesn't shake

you.

[00:12:49] Matt: Okay. Uh, yeah, a lot of what you're describing, I certainly went through when I lived alone. Uh, you know, I moved out of my parents' house and I had my own place. And yeah, you spend an awful lot of time like sorting things out. How I describe it to people like, a friend of mine just recently, unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't know, separated from her husband and she got her own place and it was the first time she'd ever lived alone.

And she was, I don't know, late twenties, early thirties. And I was like prepared. It gets a little lonely at first, at first, because you have to get comfortable with being alone and not being lonely.

[00:13:29] Fawn: Right.

[00:13:30] Matt: And that takes a minute.

[00:13:31] Fawn: I mean, we all know you can be with a bunch of people and feel lonely.

[00:13:34] Matt: Yes,

absolutely.

[00:13:36] Fawn: But if you know your authentic self, if you embody yourself, there's a party. There's a party at my house over here in my own self. Right.

[00:13:44] Matt: But

[00:13:45] Fawn: You know what I'm saying,

[00:13:46] Matt: and it just, it can take a minute to get

comfortable with that,

[00:13:49] Fawn: but then it could also happen in a flash, like at, okay. At the risk of sounding schizophrenic.

I've told you this story before, but it helps, for example, like the reason why I'm saying there could be a party inside you. I had an entourage, like in a split second, I decided I need an entourage. I need, I need protection. You guys. Well, I was just newly, like 18. I was 18 graduated from high school.

I had to hide the fact that I got into one of the toughest best art schools in the country. Like one of the best, and to even interview with this place, I knew that I had to go in person to interview. Because if they looked at my portfolio alone, I knew, I knew they would never accept me. The school is very fine, arts oriented, and my stuff was very commercial looking.

I knew I had to sell it. And from an early age, I realized, even though people kept telling me Fawn, you really need to learn to be a really great salesperson because I worked with a lot of cameras, salespeople. I don't know, especially back then, sales had a very bad connotation.

You know, salespeople were like the shady, used car sales people of the 1970s, you know, like the very cheesy you see in movies. Well,

[00:15:13] Matt: and that's because they weren't being authentic.

[00:15:18] Fawn: Right. Exactly. And things have changed now, hopefully. Right. But I dunno, it's trickier now. It's trickier to see the sleeze sometimes because they can use certain words, certain terminology to make.

Uh, T to use the colloquial colloquial, colloquial colloquial. Oh my God. Close Colac, who we are. They use those certain terms or certain key words to get a rise out of people. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a little bit more tricky. I think, to spot authenticity in sales, right now. But anyway, going back when people told me that I got really offended, but at the same time, I was kind of understanding that I have to be there and I didn't use the word sell, but I had to be there looking back on it. I can say I had to be there in person to sell my work, to sell what I was about to sell what my work was about. And I did. And so I secretly flu to another city and met with the Dean of the school and got accepted on the spot.

All right. And then I have to figure out how to actually move there. I was on my own guys, like my family, pretty much disowned me. So, I left. I packed up whatever little bit that I had and I moved to San Francisco. I had traveled quite a bit before. But all of a sudden I was so scared and I felt stuck and not able to move around.

Like I just felt stuck. I was like, oh my God, how do I get from point a to point B? Like even the simple stuff I was like, how do I find out where my luggage is? How do I find out where in the airport that the carousel is to find my luggage? What if I don't get there in time? What if the connecting flights don't work well, how do I find my stuff?

Because I was so scared and I was so alone. I just felt like I, I didn't know anything. And so here's what, where the entourage comes in because all of a sudden, well, first of all, several amazing things happened on that flight. One is I was sitting next to a person that was older. They looked at my photography work and they were like, wow, you're really talented.

And that, it just means I needed to hear that I needed some confirmation from people because I wasn't getting it from my family. For sure. So that happened. And before the flight took off the, the pilot started whistling as we were taking off, like every little thing that I was used to, I was used to being on a plane.

I was used to like the plane taking off, but everything because I was feeling alone, felt very unknown to me. So as the plane was taking off, I was getting more and more scared because I was like, where am I going? I don't even know where I'm going to sleep. I don't know anything. Nobody is helping me.

There's no one waiting for me. On the other side, I worked throughout high school to raise enough cash for tuition, like plunking down cash to the school. It was scary. So the plane is taking off and the pilot starts whistling "Off Into the Wild Blue Yonder". Here we go. I can't out into the, he started whistling the song.

That's American song about flying in the air force. Anyway, if you heard it, you would know it, Matt and I can't do it cause we're not allowed anyone who's music on this show. Anyway, when I got down to the airport at my destination, I remembered what a friend of mine said, don't worry about it. If you don't know, just follow the herd. Right. And she's right. And I, every time, since then, every time we travel anywhere, I kind of chuckle to myself because I remember my friend Arianne saying, just follow the herd. And it's true. When you get off the plane, the herd kind of leads you to baggage claim.

Right. And so I did. I got all my stuff, but I was thinking I need help. So all of a sudden, I split into all these different Fawns. There was one Fawn that was like the six foot four tall man who was security. And this Fawn walked with me. I was safe. I was protected by the security Fawn.

And then there was another Fawn that was like holding a clipboard, holding a clipboard and knowing exactly what our agenda is like at this time we're going to go here. And then there was one Fawn that was in charge of baggage. So she collected all the bags. Right.

There was a Fawn for everything and I felt better. I felt like, okay, I'm a powerhouse. Do you know what I'm saying?

[00:20:21] Matt: I completely get it. Absolutely.

[00:20:23] Fawn: I forgot why we started talking about this whole part. Do you, do you remember why we started talking about, but I think it was about like having a party within yourself

[00:20:36] Matt: being comfortable being alone.

[00:20:38] Fawn: Yeah. and realizing every aspect of yourself. And from that, I think one of the things that is key is to think about what it is that you're really thinking when you're in front of other people, when you meet someone else or , you're in a new situation, think to yourself, do you act in a way where you have to prove yourself in any way?

Are you, are you going about life, trying to prove yourself? Another one is, are you going through life feeling like you are protecting something? Are you going through life feeling like you have to defend something? Are you going through life thinking you have to hide something? Look at those four things.

Prove protect, defend, hide. Those are the main four things. Are you doing any of those and really getting to a point where you embody yourself, you embody your life. You don't have to do any of these things, but it's really important to find out if you are indeed acting, speaking in a way where you're constantly trying to prove protect, defend, or hide, and those things can get in the way of being genuine, being authentic. When you share more of you, and that is your complete self, when you're embodied in that complete self of yours, you're a powerhouse. You're compassionate. You have more flexibility.

You're more comfortable and you attract so many others that are like you. And it's easier to find authentic situations, not just authentic friendships, but just authentic experiences, authentic jobs things will fall into place, but that means. That you share your joys. That means that you share your mistakes, your greatness, you share your greatness, you share your vulnerabilities.

People don't want to do that because they think it's risky. They get in trouble. When you show your vulnerability, people can pounce on you or do something to hurt you. But if you're so centered in that, and you're showing your vulnerability, they can't hurt you. They can't. So showing your fears, once you face these vulnerabilities and these fears, they disappear, but it is authentic to share them because it's, it's still what you are feeling, what you're going through.

Showing your brilliance, showing all of it. That is being genuine. That is being authentic, but you really need to anchor yourself in your true being in your own self to be strong in that. I know it's risky. But it is the key to having a true friendship. It is key,

[00:23:20] Matt: it's

risky and it's so easy to hide behind being snarky all the time or being self-deprecating all the time or editing your life in such a way that you only show the highlight reel. I mean, there's a certain comfort in that there's some comfort in being like, always like, Ooh, yes, I am the greatest or.

Mocking yourself and actually making yourself sound worse in a self-deprecating way.

[00:23:45] Fawn: There's also a great comfort in living with misery, because you're used to that misery. You're not used to something that's totally different. You're afraid to walk and dip your toes into water. That is a different temperature.

It's uncomfortable. Right. But it doesn't mean it's good for you to just stay in.

One of the people that I really love as Lisa Nichols, she's a great public speaker. I'm going to tell you something that she taught. It's an exercise. You have to do it every day. You have to do it when you wake up, you have to do it in the morning.

Whenever you wake up, whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, it's an exercise you're supposed to do every day, right? Until you feel better until you, you realize what your authenticity is and it's this. You start off by stating your name to yourself.

You're talking to yourself, you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're talking to yourself as if you are talking to your best friend. You state your name. So my best friend. Okay. I'll say Fawn, I'm proud that you, and then you fill in the blank, but you have to come up with seven different things that you're proud of.

Yeah, until you achieve something like, you know, okay. I'm centered now. So Fawn, I'm proud that you fill in the blank. Seven different things. Okay. Let me see. Actually, I haven't done this yet, so I'm going to do it off the cuff right now. Okay. Fawn, I'm proud that you took off to San Francisco without having any support whatsoever. I'm so proud of you for doing that. That took balls right there. Fawn, I'm proud of you for starting this podcast. No one could understand what I was talking about when I was talking about the art of friendship. No one understood what I was getting at. So I'm proud Fawn, I'm proud of you for doing that.

I'm proud of you for not listening to the nay sayers. Anyway, you do it like seven times, seven different outcomes, Fawn, I'm proud of you for leaving terrible relationships. Fawn, I'm proud of you for drawing a line and creating your own family circle where the family that you came from was not okay. Was creating a life that was not okay. And even though you come from a culture that never turns its back on its family members, I'm proud of you for being brave enough to just walk away from that negative situation and creating your own life even though you've had so many challenges because you were alone, even with you, Matt, you and I have been alone.

There have been no grandparents or anybody to help us raise our kids, not even anyone to babysit for us. It was just you and me. Fawn, I'm proud of you for still having an open heart when people have totally been mean to you. I'm proud of you for standing up to those yoga people that were so. Bad. I want to say racist.

I'll call out. Fawn, I'm so proud of you for standing up to that and saying, no, this is wrong. I'm proud of you for sticking to your own virtues. I, up to seven. This is hard. It's not seven yet. Well, you get the point, right? Okay. So the next sentence you have to say is your name.

And then you have to say, I forgive you for filling in the blank, Fawn, I forgive you for, oh my God. This is hard. You want to go?

So you, you state your name. And you say, I forgive you for fill in the blank, seven different things. So there are three sentences that you say, I forgive you for

beating yourself up so much and not sleeping and purposely staying up for the last seven years because you're afraid to go to sleep because you're afraid of. You're going to lose control of your life, that you feel like you have to stand on guard.

fine. I forgive you for sometimes losing your temper in bad situations. Fawn, I forgive you for not being the success that you thought you would be with your career.

I starting to cry. So I guess this is my authentic self. This is when things get hard. When you're saying this is when, you know, you're being authentic when it's really hard. And that's the point of this? Uh, the thirds, I couldn't go through seven because I can't talk into the mic when I'm crying. Okay. Um, the third one is you state your name and you say, I commit to you that.

So Fawn, I commit to you that from now on, I'm going to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. State your name, I commit to you that. So you're looking at yourself and you're saying these things. So the three sentences, again, are your name, I'm proud that you fill in the blank. I forgive you for fill in the blank.

And then the third one is you state your name. I commit to you that fill in the blank, seven different things. You do this every morning, and then you're supposed to write down four things that really got to you. Like for me, it was about my career. I started crying at a certain point. Right down the four things that really got to you, and that is where you start finding your true, authentic self.

When you really feel them, you can embody them. When I come to my own authentic, genuine feelings,

there's nothing anyone else can tell me that will shake me. It's like, yeah. What's so what's new. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, okay. It's like Cyrano de Bergerac when the guy's making fun of his nose and Cyrano de Bergerac says, is that all you've got my nose is big? Really? That's all you've got. Do you know what I'm saying?

He's not shaken by that. Well,

[00:30:00] Matt: it's more than just, that's all you've got, he actually outlines like 13 better insults when it bleeds. The red sea is the one I always remember, you know? Oh. Or an excellent display for perfumery.

[00:30:16] Fawn: This episode today turned into a how to, but, uh, what do you think.

[00:30:21] Matt: Yeah, this is all certainly good as a step in, I would say my step in was very different. You know, the way I really explored what I call my inner Popeye, because Popeye yam what he am. He's, you know, he is who he is and he has a clear understanding of that. And, and my way in was not every morning going through an exercise.

It was just, it was a whole process and it was a process I went through when I lived alone, because yeah, it afforded me the opportunity to really dive in. And then even more recently, I did a checkup on it, which is really going through and pondering decisions you've made choices.

You've made the goods, the bads, the indifference with an understanding that had you made any of them differently that your life would be in a different place?

And it tends to bring up things I feel bad about, and it tends to bring up, things I am proud for. So

there you go.

[00:31:17] Fawn: You have to take the charge out of the things that you feel bad about. Yeah,

[00:31:21] Matt: absolutely. And you know, that's just part of everything

I had a friend who would constantly like, he knew the points that were vulnerable and he would go for them in a joking ish manner. But there was a sting to it until there wasn't a sting to it. Right.

[00:31:35] Fawn: And you guys w you had this banter back and forth where you would totally rag on each other, but nobody's feelings would be hurt.

[00:31:43] Matt: Well, that's not a hundred percent true. Sometimes feelings would get hurt and things would get really raw, but the friendship was bigger than that. It wasn't something that could be, you know, it wasn't a friendship that could be shredded by an errant comment or even a biting comment.

[00:31:59] Fawn: Okay.

Okay. So this is where I have a question.

So my friendship with someone totally got shredded because she snapped at me when I was being vulnerable. She snapped. And came at, came back at me with, cause I said to her, you don't understand. And not every friendship is this way first of all, because I remember like, let's take Holly as an example, years ago, I got fired from this job and I was devastated and I called her still at my desk saying they just fired me.

And she was so happy on the phone. She's telling me, congratulations. This is wonderful. Thank God. And I was like, I came back at her like, you're awful right now. Why are you being so mean to me? Do you know what I mean? But she didn't say she didn't come back and get offended and like end the friendship.

When I said. You're terrible right now. I'm in pain. You're not even, you don't even understand. I told her you don't understand, and that didn't offend her. It actually did did this thing where she embraced me and explained why it's good news. Do you know what I mean? She held me and our friendship got better even better.

Whereas last week, I told someone you don't understand when they were clearly not understanding my problem, , my situation, they did not understand. And I said, yeah, you don't understand. And from me, say, texting, yeah, you don't understand. She came at me with such a venom that it was the end of the friendship for me.

Like I don't have the capacity to be having an authentic friendship with this person because she just flew off the rails for me.

[00:34:02] Matt: Right, right. But again, there's so much nuance to that first of all well,

[00:34:07] Fawn: first of all, she was like, how dare you assume what I do and do not understand. I will never do that to you.

Like, she just went nuts on me. So I'm like, you know what? I can't fight any of this. Like I can't like, she hurt me so badly that I'm like, I can't fix this. I don't have the capacity to fix this because obviously the years that I've known her, maybe weren't as authentic as I thought, because here the authenticity came and boom, this happened, I'm sorry.

Please tell me what you were going to say.

[00:34:42] Matt: Well, first of all, I have issues with texting, but let's just throw those away for a second. Cause it's impossible to hear tone from a text. I said, let's put that aside.

[00:34:52] Fawn: Okay.

[00:34:53] Matt: Respect mutual respect is what gets you through those moments? You know, I remember getting so pissed at this friend because I was already feeling stressed about something.

I think it was something about being late, which is one of these core things that I adhere to. So it's one of these like huge pet peeves that I have that I understand. and I remember just exploding all over him. And he just kind of listened and he understood, and he made a one smart Alec comment and I shut that down with anger and then he just backed off.

He gave me my space, he respected me enough to give me my space. And I finally came back to center and, you know, I apologize cause I was way out of line. But at the time I wasn't feeling heard, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So, tricky but mutual respect factors into that. And that is something that occurs through time with people.

So I was going through an interesting moment recently and I was talking to a buddy of mine and I kept saying, you know, this is all the weird stuff I've got going on just to express it and to, you know, shared pain is lessened, so sharing pain and then saying, but at least I'm not a fan of the sports team, which is his sports.

And then he laughed and I laughed and that was good. So I did inject a little levity at the end of it, but still being completely authentic and that comes through,

[00:36:17] Fawn: I guess the question is, what do you do when you are usually authentic and then you get hurt and , you don't want to be authentic

so you end the friendship. Cause we were like, well, authenticity doesn't work.

[00:36:29] Matt: Right. And, and that is humongously tricky. And sometimes a relationship needs to end. Some, all relationships, all friendships are not forever. There are friendships that are and there are others that aren't. People come and go as, as needed into your life sometimes.

And then sometimes it's about everybody taking a step away. Like I took a step away and I was like, dang, I was kind of a meanie. So I need to come back and make it okay. Because I treasure and I value this friendship and, you know, boom.

[00:37:01] Fawn: So yeah, I can't be friends with this person because I don't feel like it's strong enough

it's the kind of situation where the person thinks that they are in the right and I'm completely in the wrong where it's both, I can see where I'm wrong. I can see where I don't have the strength right now to be forgiving and to still respect this person. And I started to come up with all the things that I don't respect about this person.

I don't think that I have it in me to be fully loving towards this

person.

[00:37:33] Matt: Well, you just said there are things I don't respect.

[00:37:35] Fawn: Yeah.

[00:37:36] Matt: You know, and, uh, you know, I think to be friends with somebody is to respect them warts and all, as they say,

[00:37:46] Fawn: and I thought I did, I thought I did, but I realized I don't because certain things are deal breakers for me.

And so it's. It's done, you know, is that okay?

[00:38:00] Matt: As I said, some friendships, some relationships are, people are meant to come in and out and when things change, things

change,

[00:38:10] Fawn: but I realized all along, they never considered it the type of friendship that I thought it was. And that's what really hurts. And here I am saying, you know, going back to the Nico back-end ethics, right?

Know what kind of friend you have. And I didn't want to face the fact that I had signs all along that this person was in it for not the same reasons I was in. Right. But I ignored it because I just wanted to have a sisterhood.

[00:38:40] Matt: Okay. I completely get it for me. I mean, you are, you're the cliff diver who like jumps from a hundred feet up into the water, plunges down 20 feet, you know, whereas I dip my toe in the water and if that's okay, then I put my foot in the water and I finally get to a point where, you know, I can embrace, I can submerge, I can, whatever, but it all takes time for me.

And it's, it's a different way of doing it and it's not, absolutely not your way.

[00:39:14] Fawn: I feel like there's so much to do in life. I don't have time for that. Right. You know, I, I, I want to take a dive in and if you're with me, you're with me, but I got to say living that way, it can be painful sometimes, because then you get into the situation that I get into.

Right.

[00:39:30] Matt: Uh it's. It's like, literally I'm so like stoked that, uh, All work seems to be remote now because day one at any job, they always took me out to lunch and taking me out to lunch with me as a vegan means, I get to, I have to tell them I'm a vegan. There is so much like burden that goes along with that because people make assumptions in the same way.

People make assumptions about born again, Christians, or, you know, and a lot of that is not factored for me.

[00:40:05] Fawn: The thing is that you have to hide the fact that you have this lifestyle that you have to defend it because most people think vegans are crazy people. But that's just it. You have to protect yourself and you have to prove to them that you're like this human being that doesn't stand on a soapbox and say, meat is murder,

[00:40:24] Matt: you know, well, and, but that's just it authentically.

I am that guy. I don't stand on a soapbox and say, meat is murder. If you want to talk about, you know, the standard American diet, we can talk about it. If you don't want to, if you want to deny it a million other things, then that's fine

too.

[00:40:38] Fawn: The prove, the protect, the defend, the hide.

Are the aspects that come in again.

[00:40:44] Matt: Right. But that's just it, I don't hide it. It's just

[00:40:47] Fawn: because you're authentic

[00:40:50] Matt: it, I don't come into the place with vegan, a vegan button on, or, you know, a magic light behind me that says, yes, he's vegan. I allow it to emerge organically so that, you know, because it's not.

It is certainly a part of me, but the key initial things that people discover about me are he's helpful. He's friendly, he's interested. He's curious. Those are more central than, and he's never late. And he doesn't like it when you're late. Um, those are the things that are central and, you know, being vegan is one of like a kajillion aspects.

I don't tell people the music I listen to either. I don't tell them that I follow the tour de France. It just typically doesn't come up at first. I'm not going to give somebody the laundry list of this is exactly who I am. I, you know, that comes through

time.

[00:41:46] Fawn: I guess that's part of what resumes were for.

So they know like maybe there should be resumes for friendships. You know, like, this is me, this is my path. This is what I do. This is who I am. And they know this stuff exists and you'll figure it out as time goes on, I guess. I don't know.

[00:42:06] Matt: This conversation went a completely different direction. I thought it would

[00:42:09] Fawn: okay. You always say that every time we talk, where did you think authenticity would go to what I said? You know, we should be talking about authenticity

[00:42:16] Matt: I was expecting to talking about rock and roll, but that's

[00:42:19] Fawn: a whole other story.

What were you going to say about rock and roll praise?

[00:42:24] Matt: The key thing that differentiates, differentiates, excuse me, rock and roll from like pop music. Is that rock and roll is, and this is encyclopedia Britannica people. They say that rock and roll is authentic and pop is not. Pop is constructed and being authentic means being true to one's personality, spirit,

and character.

[00:42:51] Fawn: Maybe they should say rock and roll is genuine because it belongs to, or not the other way around. There's genuine, which is belonging to. Being native and authenticity is conforming to the reality worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. So maybe the

[00:43:10] Matt: different, different, we, we, we pulled our definitions from different places.

[00:43:14] Fawn: Like genuine means it comes from this original source. So maybe the words should be different. That they use for

[00:43:23] Matt: rock and roll any, any anyways, it's likely encyclopedia, Britannica states rock and roll is authentic and pop isn't necessarily. And so they even cited. It was funny because it's older, but they actually even cited that Madonna can be considered a rock artist because it comes from an authentic place in her.

[00:43:49] Fawn: Like I said, genuine. Belonging to coming from the original stock native and authentic is conforming to reality and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. I'm just saying maybe the words should be used differently.

I dunno, it was getting too complicated. What I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm? You don't understand what I'm saying? I

[00:44:09] Matt: do. I just, yeah, I have different. I have a different definition. First of

[00:44:14] Fawn: all, we can't talk about art and art is so changeable depending on your mood. You know, you can't say art is this. Art is constantly changing and evolving, transforming. You

can't say this is rock and roll. It's just one person's definition. Isn't it? Hello, encyclopedia. You know what that's like saying that's like Bible, something right there. I don't care if it's in the encyclopedia Britannica one man wrote that probably. Oh Matt has given me the death look, whatever.

Some people wrote it with a specific point of view. On what defines life like you? Can't life is you cannot define life. You cannot define it. You sure as heck can't define art. It is different for everyone. Rock and roll maybe meaning something so different to someone else. It's how you feel. If you feel rock and roll.

If that's what the term you put on it, it's rock and roll. I don't think Madonna is rock and roll.

[00:45:29] Matt: No, but they said she was a rock artist.

[00:45:32] Fawn: Okay. I don't care. We're getting into like, exactly,

[00:45:36] Matt: like I said, religion off on a tangent, so you can cut this whole segment out

[00:45:41] Fawn: and you will well, anyway, again,

[00:45:43] Matt: thank you.

Actually entered it so beautifully before he asked me if I had anything else to

[00:45:47] Fawn: say. So anyway, authentically. Sincerely, thank you for listening to us as always go to our friendly world podcast.com to get ahold of us, to talk to us and to support us in any way you want, whether that's coming on our show, donating anything.

Thank you so much for listening. Thank you. Thank you for hearing us and having us be heard. Really appreciate you. Talk to you soon. Be well, bye.

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Episode Transcript

The Art of Authenticity [00:00:00] Fawn: Welcome back. [00:00:01] Matt: Hello? [00:00:01] Fawn: Hello. How can I thank you for listening and come across in the way that I really feel in my heart. How do I do that? Would that not sounding authentic? How do I do that? [00:00:13] Matt: Uh, yes, authenticity is in a challenging place for me right now. I happen to be, uh, uh, interviewing with different companies. So that's always a tricky thing. Tricky spot [00:00:25] Fawn: I'm in a tricky spot with it myself, because I was being my normal self. I'm an open book and with a friend, if something bothers me, I talk about it in a gentle way. And I felt like the person wasn't hearing me. So I went to the next person in our little tiny circle. Right. And they were not hearing me at all. [00:00:48] Matt: Oh dear. [00:00:48] Fawn: I said, I don't think you understand how bad my situation is right now. So you're not hearing what I'm saying. And boy, did she not like hearing that and it was the end of our friendship. [00:01:00] Matt: Yeah. That is a challenging thing to hear, frankly. yeah, nobody likes to have their authenticity called into question for sure. [00:01:08] Fawn: I didn't call up their authenticity into question. I was just revealing my pain and it wasn't, it had nothing to do with them, but anyway, it definitely got to got me in a place where, wow, well, I don't want to share myself ever again. You know what I'm saying? So anyway, that's my challenging point right now, right? Why is yours that way? I know, you know, Matt is looking for a job, [00:01:33] Matt: everybody. Hey, anyways, um, no, I'm a hundred percent authentic when I'm talking to the people. It's the follow-ups that are tricky. And it's the understanding that, maybe this is not the right opportunity or this isn't a dream opportunity. As it were. Right. And these are people who are already heavily invested in whatever place they're at. And so they're all a hundred percent on board theoretically, so it can be hard to sound enthusiastic about being there with an understanding that in all likelihood. I won't be because I'm looking at many opportunities right now. [00:02:14] Fawn: And also most people are not living authentically. They're not being their true, authentic selves, but they pretend they are to save their job. They pretend they are to save their relationships. They pretend they are because they don't want to be exposed. Anything it's risky. It's risky to be authentic, to be totally yourself, [00:02:36] Matt: right [00:02:37] Fawn: because it can get you fired. It can get you out of a relationship, you know, it's quite painful. And it also, [00:02:44] Matt: and it also exposes you completely like, if you're so desperate to fill in the blank, to get this job to, be with this person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And it doesn't happen. BOOM that's that's a hard thing. [00:03:01] Fawn: So by going back, I, we want to express to you how grateful we are that you're listening to our show right now. Thank you. I am in awe. It's not like I have poured a whole bunch of money in looking at analytics for our show, but looking at it, I know you're listening every single day and I am so grateful. Thank you. Having us be heard. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. It means, yeah. I feel like she started to tear up folks. I am starting to tear up, but I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is going to sound so cheesy and inauthentic, but it really is. I'm so grateful. Okay. So here we go. Let's just get into the topic for today. of course I always say, okay, let's get into it. But, but first I wanted to ask you, did you know that our cells, you know, the cells in our bodies, so science today is telling us that even our cells emit light when they perform their functions, neurons in the brain and spinal nerves have been found to produce photons. Photons are tiny particles of light that influence our very atomic structure when they send impulses to each other, they're communicating through light. There's this quote from the book, "The Energy Codes by Dr. Sue Morter. A little quote that actually blends into what we're talking about today, about authenticity. The key to a fully empowered experience of life is embodying the energy that you are. When I read that to me, I get, to live fully, you have to be fully yourself. Don't hide. Don't try to edit yourself because you're afraid, afraid of not having this friend or afraid of not having the job. Although the job thing that's, that's affecting. If you're American, that's affecting your life. You could die if you don't have a job because you won't have health insurance or you won't, you know what I mean? You won't have a place to live. There's nothing out there that's a safety net for us Americans, right. [00:05:15] Matt: It sucks right. But there's a difference. Yeah. In my mind, at least. And then maybe it's just how I'm dealing with things. I am a hundred percent authentic, you know, I am showing them who I am and some people are some people like that. And some people don't like that. [00:05:30] Fawn: Yeah. Most people don't do that, Matt. [00:05:32] Matt: Well, yeah, that's true. That's one of my differentiators. [00:05:35] Fawn: All right. So the art of authenticity, here we go, did you have something else to add before I get into it? All right. The art of developing your presence, the art of authenticity. Authentic, the definition; I was looking around for several different definitions. And I was going back and forth between authentic and genuine, genuine. How do you pronounce it? Genuine or genuine? I dunno. Okay. So here we go. You know what I'm talking about? Authentic means conforming to reality and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. Okay. Then genuine is belonging to, or proceeding from the original stock. Native, not counterfeit, not false. And at first I wanted to say that being genuine is radically different than being authentic. And then later as I was looking, I slept on it. I actually slept. And then I realized, okay, this is what genuine and authenticity is like why I was tripping on both of them. And I came to a conclusion. I'll tell you about it in just a second, but one more definition of authentic. Here we go. Authentic: it's you're true to your own personality, values and spirit regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. I'm going to say it again, being Being authentic: you're true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. You're honest with yourself and with others and you take responsibility for your actions. It's about your values, ideals and actions. It's where your values, ideas, and actions align. That is being authentic. And so. I thought, why am I tripping on authentic versus genuine why did I trip on the difference between authentic and genuine? Because when you look up the etymology of authentic, it, it says, oh, to be genuine. And I that no, that doesn't ring totally perfect with me. So I had thought about it. And if you look at the definition of genuine, it means belonging to, or proceeding from the original stock. It's native. It's not counterfeit, it's not false. But what really got me was it belongs to. What does it belong to? It belongs to yourself. When you're genuine, you belong to yourself. When you're genuine, you belong to yourself. You're fully empowered. You fully embody the energy that you are, and that is authentic. And I think what I'm trying to say is that this is one of the key, key, key things of having true friendship is being authentic first with yourself. There are things that we have to tell ourselves or acknowledge about our own selves before we can seek out or even recognize authenticity in another person. And then therefore you can understand is the friendship authentic. If the person isn't being authentic with themselves, there's no way that they can do that on the outside world and accept someone else's authenticity because they're not even accepting their own. And how can you even have a friendship and know what an authentic friendship is if you can't even take it to yourself and to others? How can you bring into the circle of friendship, having it be a true, genuine friendship, if this is not practiced, if this is not done. So the questions that I ask is, are you the same person when you were by yourself, as when you're in front of someone else, when you're in front of other people? Do you change when you're in front of other people, do you use different language when you're in front of other people? Do you wear something that you would never wear on your own? Can you dress in front of other people the way you dress when you're by yourself. Do you change things about yourself? Is there a facade? Is there a wall? And this is why it's so important to be alone. Like, you know, when people date they're like, you should really spend time with yourself and date yourself, you know, get to know yourself before going out there again, [00:09:55] Matt: I'm a big believer in that. [00:09:57] Fawn: Me too. I mean, not that it happened on purpose, but it just happened. So I'm like, okay, [00:10:04] Matt: well, I, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as dating myself, but I would classify it as being comfortable and having a clear understanding of exactly who you are, owning your inner Popeye. [00:10:15] Fawn: Having a good time on your own is key, right? Because if you don't, if you have to appreciate your own company, I got to a point like, again, not by choice, not like I was like, you know what? I'm not going to hang out with you. I'm not going to date you. I'm going to take time for myself. No, it just happened. And I was like, wow, I'm by myself, nobody around. And like, if I were to describe it, it was like just being in the desert. Like that, that time in my life was like, I'm just by myself, on an island. Oh, well, what are you going to do? There are no planes flying over you can say help to. It was just me. And, and then after awhile, I'm like, I don't know if it was like too much loneliness, but I started cracking myself up. I was like, I'm funny. I appreciate my own sense of humor, Ooh, we can watch this movie. I love that movie too. Do you know what I mean? Is it, I just started having a good time by myself. I have the similar interest in art. I, [00:11:28] Matt: you better. [00:11:30] Fawn: It was fantastic. You know, and because I had that, I was more, um, I had more capacity to appreciate something I didn't appreciate hanging out with someone else. You know what I mean? Because that's what they appreciated because I got to totally go to the movies that I wanted. I got to say what I wanted. I got to think what I wanted. I got to do whatever I wanted because I had that space and you don't have to be in a desert like existence, like I did to achieve that. You have to just look to yourself and go, what, what do you want, what would you like to do? You know what I mean? Like or what do you really want? What do you like to do? What do you really think? You know what I'm saying? Without having anything punish you out there for thinking whatever you want to think, but you know what that's, what it is. People are afraid to be their authentic selves because they get punished. You get fired from a job. You got people yelling at you for having a belief that you have, but when you practice doing it on your own, it kind of goes away. It does. I mean, you, you may still have people yelling at you about what do you mean? Do you know what I'm saying? But because you embody yourself and you're centered in that it doesn't bother you. It doesn't shake you. [00:12:49] Matt: Okay. Uh, yeah, a lot of what you're describing, I certainly went through when I lived alone. Uh, you know, I moved out of my parents' house and I had my own place. And yeah, you spend an awful lot of time like sorting things out. How I describe it to people like, a friend of mine just recently, unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't know, separated from her husband and she got her own place and it was the first time she'd ever lived alone. And she was, I don't know, late twenties, early thirties. And I was like prepared. It gets a little lonely at first, at first, because you have to get comfortable with being alone and not being lonely. [00:13:29] Fawn: Right. [00:13:30] Matt: And that takes a minute. [00:13:31] Fawn: I mean, we all know you can be with a bunch of people and feel lonely. [00:13:34] Matt: Yes, absolutely. [00:13:36] Fawn: But if you know your authentic self, if you embody yourself, there's a party. There's a party at my house over here in my own self. Right. [00:13:44] Matt: But [00:13:45] Fawn: You know what I'm saying, [00:13:46] Matt: and it just, it can take a minute to get comfortable with that, [00:13:49] Fawn: but then it could also happen in a flash, like at, okay. At the risk of sounding schizophrenic. I've told you this story before, but it helps, for example, like the reason why I'm saying there could be a party inside you. I had an entourage, like in a split second, I decided I need an entourage. I need, I need protection. You guys. Well, I was just newly, like 18. I was 18 graduated from high school. I had to hide the fact that I got into one of the toughest best art schools in the country. Like one of the best, and to even interview with this place, I knew that I had to go in person to interview. Because if they looked at my portfolio alone, I knew, I knew they would never accept me. The school is very fine, arts oriented, and my stuff was very commercial looking. I knew I had to sell it. And from an early age, I realized, even though people kept telling me Fawn, you really need to learn to be a really great salesperson because I worked with a lot of cameras, salespeople. I don't know, especially back then, sales had a very bad connotation. You know, salespeople were like the shady, used car sales people of the 1970s, you know, like the very cheesy you see in movies. Well, [00:15:13] Matt: and that's because they weren't being authentic. [00:15:18] Fawn: Right. Exactly. And things have changed now, hopefully. Right. But I dunno, it's trickier now. It's trickier to see the sleeze sometimes because they can use certain words, certain terminology to make. Uh, T to use the colloquial colloquial, colloquial colloquial. Oh my God. Close Colac, who we are. They use those certain terms or certain key words to get a rise out of people. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a little bit more tricky. I think, to spot authenticity in sales, right now. But anyway, going back when people told me that I got really offended, but at the same time, I was kind of understanding that I have to be there and I didn't use the word sell, but I had to be there looking back on it. I can say I had to be there in person to sell my work, to sell what I was about to sell what my work was about. And I did. And so I secretly flu to another city and met with the Dean of the school and got accepted on the spot. All right. And then I have to figure out how to actually move there. I was on my own guys, like my family, pretty much disowned me. So, I left. I packed up whatever little bit that I had and I moved to San Francisco. I had traveled quite a bit before. But all of a sudden I was so scared and I felt stuck and not able to move around. Like I just felt stuck. I was like, oh my God, how do I get from point a to point B? Like even the simple stuff I was like, how do I find out where my luggage is? How do I find out where in the airport that the carousel is to find my luggage? What if I don't get there in time? What if the connecting flights don't work well, how do I find my stuff? Because I was so scared and I was so alone. I just felt like I, I didn't know anything. And so here's what, where the entourage comes in because all of a sudden, well, first of all, several amazing things happened on that flight. One is I was sitting next to a person that was older. They looked at my photography work and they were like, wow, you're really talented. And that, it just means I needed to hear that I needed some confirmation from people because I wasn't getting it from my family. For sure. So that happened. And before the flight took off the, the pilot started whistling as we were taking off, like every little thing that I was used to, I was used to being on a plane. I was used to like the plane taking off, but everything because I was feeling alone, felt very unknown to me. So as the plane was taking off, I was getting more and more scared because I was like, where am I going? I don't even know where I'm going to sleep. I don't know anything. Nobody is helping me. There's no one waiting for me. On the other side, I worked throughout high school to raise enough cash for tuition, like plunking down cash to the school. It was scary. So the plane is taking off and the pilot starts whistling "Off Into the Wild Blue Yonder". Here we go. I can't out into the, he started whistling the song. That's American song about flying in the air force. Anyway, if you heard it, you would know it, Matt and I can't do it cause we're not allowed anyone who's music on this show. Anyway, when I got down to the airport at my destination, I remembered what a friend of mine said, don't worry about it. If you don't know, just follow the herd. Right. And she's right. And I, every time, since then, every time we travel anywhere, I kind of chuckle to myself because I remember my friend Arianne saying, just follow the herd. And it's true. When you get off the plane, the herd kind of leads you to baggage claim. Right. And so I did. I got all my stuff, but I was thinking I need help. So all of a sudden, I split into all these different Fawns. There was one Fawn that was like the six foot four tall man who was security. And this Fawn walked with me. I was safe. I was protected by the security Fawn. And then there was another Fawn that was like holding a clipboard, holding a clipboard and knowing exactly what our agenda is like at this time we're going to go here. And then there was one Fawn that was in charge of baggage. So she collected all the bags. Right. There was a Fawn for everything and I felt better. I felt like, okay, I'm a powerhouse. Do you know what I'm saying? [00:20:21] Matt: I completely get it. Absolutely. [00:20:23] Fawn: I forgot why we started talking about this whole part. Do you, do you remember why we started talking about, but I think it was about like having a party within yourself [00:20:36] Matt: being comfortable being alone. [00:20:38] Fawn: Yeah. and realizing every aspect of yourself. And from that, I think one of the things that is key is to think about what it is that you're really thinking when you're in front of other people, when you meet someone else or , you're in a new situation, think to yourself, do you act in a way where you have to prove yourself in any way? Are you, are you going about life, trying to prove yourself? Another one is, are you going through life feeling like you are protecting something? Are you going through life feeling like you have to defend something? Are you going through life thinking you have to hide something? Look at those four things. Prove protect, defend, hide. Those are the main four things. Are you doing any of those and really getting to a point where you embody yourself, you embody your life. You don't have to do any of these things, but it's really important to find out if you are indeed acting, speaking in a way where you're constantly trying to prove protect, defend, or hide, and those things can get in the way of being genuine, being authentic. When you share more of you, and that is your complete self, when you're embodied in that complete self of yours, you're a powerhouse. You're compassionate. You have more flexibility. You're more comfortable and you attract so many others that are like you. And it's easier to find authentic situations, not just authentic friendships, but just authentic experiences, authentic jobs things will fall into place, but that means. That you share your joys. That means that you share your mistakes, your greatness, you share your greatness, you share your vulnerabilities. People don't want to do that because they think it's risky. They get in trouble. When you show your vulnerability, people can pounce on you or do something to hurt you. But if you're so centered in that, and you're showing your vulnerability, they can't hurt you. They can't. So showing your fears, once you face these vulnerabilities and these fears, they disappear, but it is authentic to share them because it's, it's still what you are feeling, what you're going through. Showing your brilliance, showing all of it. That is being genuine. That is being authentic, but you really need to anchor yourself in your true being in your own self to be strong in that. I know it's risky. But it is the key to having a true friendship. It is key, [00:23:20] Matt: it's risky and it's so easy to hide behind being snarky all the time or being self-deprecating all the time or editing your life in such a way that you only show the highlight reel. I mean, there's a certain comfort in that there's some comfort in being like, always like, Ooh, yes, I am the greatest or. Mocking yourself and actually making yourself sound worse in a self-deprecating way. [00:23:45] Fawn: There's also a great comfort in living with misery, because you're used to that misery. You're not used to something that's totally different. You're afraid to walk and dip your toes into water. That is a different temperature. It's uncomfortable. Right. But it doesn't mean it's good for you to just stay in. One of the people that I really love as Lisa Nichols, she's a great public speaker. I'm going to tell you something that she taught. It's an exercise. You have to do it every day. You have to do it when you wake up, you have to do it in the morning. Whenever you wake up, whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, it's an exercise you're supposed to do every day, right? Until you feel better until you, you realize what your authenticity is and it's this. You start off by stating your name to yourself. You're talking to yourself, you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're talking to yourself as if you are talking to your best friend. You state your name. So my best friend. Okay. I'll say Fawn, I'm proud that you, and then you fill in the blank, but you have to come up with seven different things that you're proud of. Yeah, until you achieve something like, you know, okay. I'm centered now. So Fawn, I'm proud that you fill in the blank. Seven different things. Okay. Let me see. Actually, I haven't done this yet, so I'm going to do it off the cuff right now. Okay. Fawn, I'm proud that you took off to San Francisco without having any support whatsoever. I'm so proud of you for doing that. That took balls right there. Fawn, I'm proud of you for starting this podcast. No one could understand what I was talking about when I was talking about the art of friendship. No one understood what I was getting at. So I'm proud Fawn, I'm proud of you for doing that. I'm proud of you for not listening to the nay sayers. Anyway, you do it like seven times, seven different outcomes, Fawn, I'm proud of you for leaving terrible relationships. Fawn, I'm proud of you for drawing a line and creating your own family circle where the family that you came from was not okay. Was creating a life that was not okay. And even though you come from a culture that never turns its back on its family members, I'm proud of you for being brave enough to just walk away from that negative situation and creating your own life even though you've had so many challenges because you were alone, even with you, Matt, you and I have been alone. There have been no grandparents or anybody to help us raise our kids, not even anyone to babysit for us. It was just you and me. Fawn, I'm proud of you for still having an open heart when people have totally been mean to you. I'm proud of you for standing up to those yoga people that were so. Bad. I want to say racist. I'll call out. Fawn, I'm so proud of you for standing up to that and saying, no, this is wrong. I'm proud of you for sticking to your own virtues. I, up to seven. This is hard. It's not seven yet. Well, you get the point, right? Okay. So the next sentence you have to say is your name. And then you have to say, I forgive you for filling in the blank, Fawn, I forgive you for, oh my God. This is hard. You want to go? So you, you state your name. And you say, I forgive you for fill in the blank, seven different things. So there are three sentences that you say, I forgive you for beating yourself up so much and not sleeping and purposely staying up for the last seven years because you're afraid to go to sleep because you're afraid of. You're going to lose control of your life, that you feel like you have to stand on guard. fine. I forgive you for sometimes losing your temper in bad situations. Fawn, I forgive you for not being the success that you thought you would be with your career. I starting to cry. So I guess this is my authentic self. This is when things get hard. When you're saying this is when, you know, you're being authentic when it's really hard. And that's the point of this? Uh, the thirds, I couldn't go through seven because I can't talk into the mic when I'm crying. Okay. Um, the third one is you state your name and you say, I commit to you that. So Fawn, I commit to you that from now on, I'm going to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. State your name, I commit to you that. So you're looking at yourself and you're saying these things. So the three sentences, again, are your name, I'm proud that you fill in the blank. I forgive you for fill in the blank. And then the third one is you state your name. I commit to you that fill in the blank, seven different things. You do this every morning, and then you're supposed to write down four things that really got to you. Like for me, it was about my career. I started crying at a certain point. Right down the four things that really got to you, and that is where you start finding your true, authentic self. When you really feel them, you can embody them. When I come to my own authentic, genuine feelings, there's nothing anyone else can tell me that will shake me. It's like, yeah. What's so what's new. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, okay. It's like Cyrano de Bergerac when the guy's making fun of his nose and Cyrano de Bergerac says, is that all you've got my nose is big? Really? That's all you've got. Do you know what I'm saying? He's not shaken by that. Well, [00:30:00] Matt: it's more than just, that's all you've got, he actually outlines like 13 better insults when it bleeds. The red sea is the one I always remember, you know? Oh. Or an excellent display for perfumery. [00:30:16] Fawn: This episode today turned into a how to, but, uh, what do you think. [00:30:21] Matt: Yeah, this is all certainly good as a step in, I would say my step in was very different. You know, the way I really explored what I call my inner Popeye, because Popeye yam what he am. He's, you know, he is who he is and he has a clear understanding of that. And, and my way in was not every morning going through an exercise. It was just, it was a whole process and it was a process I went through when I lived alone, because yeah, it afforded me the opportunity to really dive in. And then even more recently, I did a checkup on it, which is really going through and pondering decisions you've made choices. You've made the goods, the bads, the indifference with an understanding that had you made any of them differently that your life would be in a different place? And it tends to bring up things I feel bad about, and it tends to bring up, things I am proud for. So there you go. [00:31:17] Fawn: You have to take the charge out of the things that you feel bad about. Yeah, [00:31:21] Matt: absolutely. And you know, that's just part of everything I had a friend who would constantly like, he knew the points that were vulnerable and he would go for them in a joking ish manner. But there was a sting to it until there wasn't a sting to it. Right. [00:31:35] Fawn: And you guys w you had this banter back and forth where you would totally rag on each other, but nobody's feelings would be hurt. [00:31:43] Matt: Well, that's not a hundred percent true. Sometimes feelings would get hurt and things would get really raw, but the friendship was bigger than that. It wasn't something that could be, you know, it wasn't a friendship that could be shredded by an errant comment or even a biting comment. [00:31:59] Fawn: Okay. Okay. So this is where I have a question. So my friendship with someone totally got shredded because she snapped at me when I was being vulnerable. She snapped. And came at, came back at me with, cause I said to her, you don't understand. And not every friendship is this way first of all, because I remember like, let's take Holly as an example, years ago, I got fired from this job and I was devastated and I called her still at my desk saying they just fired me. And she was so happy on the phone. She's telling me, congratulations. This is wonderful. Thank God. And I was like, I came back at her like, you're awful right now. Why are you being so mean to me? Do you know what I mean? But she didn't say she didn't come back and get offended and like end the friendship. When I said. You're terrible right now. I'm in pain. You're not even, you don't even understand. I told her you don't understand, and that didn't offend her. It actually did did this thing where she embraced me and explained why it's good news. Do you know what I mean? She held me and our friendship got better even better. Whereas last week, I told someone you don't understand when they were clearly not understanding my problem, , my situation, they did not understand. And I said, yeah, you don't understand. And from me, say, texting, yeah, you don't understand. She came at me with such a venom that it was the end of the friendship for me. Like I don't have the capacity to be having an authentic friendship with this person because she just flew off the rails for me. [00:34:02] Matt: Right, right. But again, there's so much nuance to that first of all well, [00:34:07] Fawn: first of all, she was like, how dare you assume what I do and do not understand. I will never do that to you. Like, she just went nuts on me. So I'm like, you know what? I can't fight any of this. Like I can't like, she hurt me so badly that I'm like, I can't fix this. I don't have the capacity to fix this because obviously the years that I've known her, maybe weren't as authentic as I thought, because here the authenticity came and boom, this happened, I'm sorry. Please tell me what you were going to say. [00:34:42] Matt: Well, first of all, I have issues with texting, but let's just throw those away for a second. Cause it's impossible to hear tone from a text. I said, let's put that aside. [00:34:52] Fawn: Okay. [00:34:53] Matt: Respect mutual respect is what gets you through those moments? You know, I remember getting so pissed at this friend because I was already feeling stressed about something. I think it was something about being late, which is one of these core things that I adhere to. So it's one of these like huge pet peeves that I have that I understand. and I remember just exploding all over him. And he just kind of listened and he understood, and he made a one smart Alec comment and I shut that down with anger and then he just backed off. He gave me my space, he respected me enough to give me my space. And I finally came back to center and, you know, I apologize cause I was way out of line. But at the time I wasn't feeling heard, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So, tricky but mutual respect factors into that. And that is something that occurs through time with people. So I was going through an interesting moment recently and I was talking to a buddy of mine and I kept saying, you know, this is all the weird stuff I've got going on just to express it and to, you know, shared pain is lessened, so sharing pain and then saying, but at least I'm not a fan of the sports team, which is his sports. And then he laughed and I laughed and that was good. So I did inject a little levity at the end of it, but still being completely authentic and that comes through, [00:36:17] Fawn: I guess the question is, what do you do when you are usually authentic and then you get hurt and , you don't want to be authentic so you end the friendship. Cause we were like, well, authenticity doesn't work. [00:36:29] Matt: Right. And, and that is humongously tricky. And sometimes a relationship needs to end. Some, all relationships, all friendships are not forever. There are friendships that are and there are others that aren't. People come and go as, as needed into your life sometimes. And then sometimes it's about everybody taking a step away. Like I took a step away and I was like, dang, I was kind of a meanie. So I need to come back and make it okay. Because I treasure and I value this friendship and, you know, boom. [00:37:01] Fawn: So yeah, I can't be friends with this person because I don't feel like it's strong enough it's the kind of situation where the person thinks that they are in the right and I'm completely in the wrong where it's both, I can see where I'm wrong. I can see where I don't have the strength right now to be forgiving and to still respect this person. And I started to come up with all the things that I don't respect about this person. I don't think that I have it in me to be fully loving towards this person. [00:37:33] Matt: Well, you just said there are things I don't respect. [00:37:35] Fawn: Yeah. [00:37:36] Matt: You know, and, uh, you know, I think to be friends with somebody is to respect them warts and all, as they say, [00:37:46] Fawn: and I thought I did, I thought I did, but I realized I don't because certain things are deal breakers for me. And so it's. It's done, you know, is that okay? [00:38:00] Matt: As I said, some friendships, some relationships are, people are meant to come in and out and when things change, things change, [00:38:10] Fawn: but I realized all along, they never considered it the type of friendship that I thought it was. And that's what really hurts. And here I am saying, you know, going back to the Nico back-end ethics, right? Know what kind of friend you have. And I didn't want to face the fact that I had signs all along that this person was in it for not the same reasons I was in. Right. But I ignored it because I just wanted to have a sisterhood. [00:38:40] Matt: Okay. I completely get it for me. I mean, you are, you're the cliff diver who like jumps from a hundred feet up into the water, plunges down 20 feet, you know, whereas I dip my toe in the water and if that's okay, then I put my foot in the water and I finally get to a point where, you know, I can embrace, I can submerge, I can, whatever, but it all takes time for me. And it's, it's a different way of doing it and it's not, absolutely not your way. [00:39:14] Fawn: I feel like there's so much to do in life. I don't have time for that. Right. You know, I, I, I want to take a dive in and if you're with me, you're with me, but I got to say living that way, it can be painful sometimes, because then you get into the situation that I get into. Right. [00:39:30] Matt: Uh it's. It's like, literally I'm so like stoked that, uh, All work seems to be remote now because day one at any job, they always took me out to lunch and taking me out to lunch with me as a vegan means, I get to, I have to tell them I'm a vegan. There is so much like burden that goes along with that because people make assumptions in the same way. People make assumptions about born again, Christians, or, you know, and a lot of that is not factored for me. [00:40:05] Fawn: The thing is that you have to hide the fact that you have this lifestyle that you have to defend it because most people think vegans are crazy people. But that's just it. You have to protect yourself and you have to prove to them that you're like this human being that doesn't stand on a soapbox and say, meat is murder, [00:40:24] Matt: you know, well, and, but that's just it authentically. I am that guy. I don't stand on a soapbox and say, meat is murder. If you want to talk about, you know, the standard American diet, we can talk about it. If you don't want to, if you want to deny it a million other things, then that's fine too. [00:40:38] Fawn: The prove, the protect, the defend, the hide. Are the aspects that come in again. [00:40:44] Matt: Right. But that's just it, I don't hide it. It's just [00:40:47] Fawn: because you're authentic [00:40:50] Matt: it, I don't come into the place with vegan, a vegan button on, or, you know, a magic light behind me that says, yes, he's vegan. I allow it to emerge organically so that, you know, because it's not. It is certainly a part of me, but the key initial things that people discover about me are he's helpful. He's friendly, he's interested. He's curious. Those are more central than, and he's never late. And he doesn't like it when you're late. Um, those are the things that are central and, you know, being vegan is one of like a kajillion aspects. I don't tell people the music I listen to either. I don't tell them that I follow the tour de France. It just typically doesn't come up at first. I'm not going to give somebody the laundry list of this is exactly who I am. I, you know, that comes through time. [00:41:46] Fawn: I guess that's part of what resumes were for. So they know like maybe there should be resumes for friendships. You know, like, this is me, this is my path. This is what I do. This is who I am. And they know this stuff exists and you'll figure it out as time goes on, I guess. I don't know. [00:42:06] Matt: This conversation went a completely different direction. I thought it would [00:42:09] Fawn: okay. You always say that every time we talk, where did you think authenticity would go to what I said? You know, we should be talking about authenticity [00:42:16] Matt: I was expecting to talking about rock and roll, but that's [00:42:19] Fawn: a whole other story. What were you going to say about rock and roll praise? [00:42:24] Matt: The key thing that differentiates, differentiates, excuse me, rock and roll from like pop music. Is that rock and roll is, and this is encyclopedia Britannica people. They say that rock and roll is authentic and pop is not. Pop is constructed and being authentic means being true to one's personality, spirit, and character. [00:42:51] Fawn: Maybe they should say rock and roll is genuine because it belongs to, or not the other way around. There's genuine, which is belonging to. Being native and authenticity is conforming to the reality worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. So maybe the [00:43:10] Matt: different, different, we, we, we pulled our definitions from different places. [00:43:14] Fawn: Like genuine means it comes from this original source. So maybe the words should be different. That they use for [00:43:23] Matt: rock and roll any, any anyways, it's likely encyclopedia, Britannica states rock and roll is authentic and pop isn't necessarily. And so they even cited. It was funny because it's older, but they actually even cited that Madonna can be considered a rock artist because it comes from an authentic place in her. [00:43:49] Fawn: Like I said, genuine. Belonging to coming from the original stock native and authentic is conforming to reality and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. I'm just saying maybe the words should be used differently. I dunno, it was getting too complicated. What I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm? You don't understand what I'm saying? I [00:44:09] Matt: do. I just, yeah, I have different. I have a different definition. First of [00:44:14] Fawn: all, we can't talk about art and art is so changeable depending on your mood. You know, you can't say art is this. Art is constantly changing and evolving, transforming. You can't say this is rock and roll. It's just one person's definition. Isn't it? Hello, encyclopedia. You know what that's like saying that's like Bible, something right there. I don't care if it's in the encyclopedia Britannica one man wrote that probably. Oh Matt has given me the death look, whatever. Some people wrote it with a specific point of view. On what defines life like you? Can't life is you cannot define life. You cannot define it. You sure as heck can't define art. It is different for everyone. Rock and roll maybe meaning something so different to someone else. It's how you feel. If you feel rock and roll. If that's what the term you put on it, it's rock and roll. I don't think Madonna is rock and roll. [00:45:29] Matt: No, but they said she was a rock artist. [00:45:32] Fawn: Okay. I don't care. We're getting into like, exactly, [00:45:36] Matt: like I said, religion off on a tangent, so you can cut this whole segment out [00:45:41] Fawn: and you will well, anyway, again, [00:45:43] Matt: thank you. Actually entered it so beautifully before he asked me if I had anything else to [00:45:47] Fawn: say. So anyway, authentically. Sincerely, thank you for listening to us as always go to our friendly world podcast.com to get ahold of us, to talk to us and to support us in any way you want, whether that's coming on our show, donating anything. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you. Thank you for hearing us and having us be heard. Really appreciate you. Talk to you soon. Be well, bye.

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